Authentic

He sent me that text message at ungodly hour and told me that I was "just going to die" when I heard the news. I believed him.. I thought it was terrible. So all day I worried and I fretted and I wrung my hands. I almost didn't go to praise team. I almost told them I was sick and couldn't sing. I didn't want to hear the news. I decided if I wasn't there to hear it then it wasn't real and you would still be my best friend.But curiosity got the best of me and I went.
And much to my surprise the news wasn't terrible. It wasn't even bad... not even a little bit.. not even at all.

You are restored! You've returned! You're my brother!!! You, the one I've been praying for since Chicago, are back and better than ever! And unlike the times before, this is real. I could feel it even as you spoke the words to me. I heard the news and couldn't restrain myself! I'm surprised you can still breathe after those hugs...

I'm just so relieved...

If only the migraine would follow the example of the weight on my shoulders and just.. go away.

Truth Chains

We're here again. Here at that place where neither one of us knows just exactly what to do, say, or even think.
We've been here about 6 times since I've known you and each time it's for the same reason. I've fallen in love and you're not in the catching business. At least.. catching me.
Sure you "cherish our friendship" but that just makes it hurt more.
I'm always the best friend. I'm always the comforter when the pretty girl gets bored toying with your feelings and walks away. I'm always the one who gives you the girl's opinion while simultaneously being one of the guys. I'm always the one who, after talking about the girl you're really interested in, gets told she's beautiful (on the inside, mind you) and that any guy ( except for you, of course) that isn't interested in me is off his rocker. I'm always the one you try and set your other friends up with.. Gee, I wonder why that never worked out...
So much about this is unfair. The age difference that makes it awkward and seemingly impossible. The feeling in my stomach that tells me it's always going to be this way and it's so pointless. All the times that I thought you felt the same way, only to have another heart-wrenching encounter with reality. That it's always me that gets outed & you're never the one who has to tell the truth.

And what hurts the most right this second is that all I really want from you is the same friendship I've given you. So much right now is indefinite. I really thought you were a constant, but after that phone call I'm not so sure anymore. What if you decide (like I have) that it's unfair? What if after that decision you make the stupidest choice and cut yourself out of my life for "my sake"? It certainly wouldn't be the first time that's happened to me, and it wouldn't even be the first time you've been the one who did it. And where would I be? Sitting here by myself with one "best friend" who's too busy fluttering about from this boy to that, one more that just found the boy she's been dreaming of off in her black&white, fairytale world of shopping with her art school friends, one sister who has her own troubles and a wedding to plan, and your brother who is, by the way, still scared to talk to me.
There is my other redheaded sister... so all is not lost.

I just wish you hadn't asked me not to lie to you this time...