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Saturday, January 5

Lather, Rinse and Repeat

There's nothing I want to do more right this second than to pack up a few things and just dissapear. I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of feeling so sick all the time. I'm tired of hospitals(whether it's for me, or my mom). I'm tired of my little sister not understanding that I have no control over any of this. I'm tired of having no control over any of it. It's not fair that I don't know if I'll be able to function like a normal person when I wake up. I'm tired of waking up some days and knowing that not only will I not be able to leave the house that day but that it's doubtful I'll even be able to stand up for more than a few minutes at a time...

I'm just tired of being me these days. I wanna trade with somebody else. But this isn't some kind of video game where I can switch characters when I feel like it. This is reality and I just have to face it and move on... or not depending on the day...


If one more person asks me what I'm planning for the fall I swear I'll have some sort of internal nuclear meltdown. I don't know what I'm doing come August. Heck, I don't know what I'm doing come Monday. I can hardley do anything by myself. I mean, nobody's spoon feeding me or anything like that, but I'm not as good as I used to be. I can't remember if I've taken meds at the right times. I do things two, three times before I can remember doing them at all. So I've kind of decided that the easiest way to not wanna bash something every time I realize I've done something that makes me feel like a 17 year old Alzheimer's patient is to just.. not do anything. So I sit around at home on the days I feel that heavyness. It's supposed to keep me sane, but it's doing just the opposite.. I guess I need a new strategy.

I was supposed to call Moe's about work this week. But now I don't know if I'll be able to come back. I want to. I really really want to. I need income, I need a reason to be out of this place 15-25 hrs a week. The problem though is that if I can't function at home, how the heck am I supposed to hold that job? I can't let them put me on a schedule I don't know I'll be able to keep. I hate when people leave me hanging like that and I hate being the person leaving somebody hanging even more.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. Mr. C's seven "s" sermon isn't helping me at the moment like it normally does (yeah yeah - anna's a choir nerd who takes notes at camp lee).

Whatever - I'm going back to sleep. Correction - I'm going to go lay down only to get up again to come write this, see that it's already done, get really angry and attempt to rip out my thyroid, go back to bed and start the process all over again till I do actually pass out.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

**stands... silent and waiting. not with words but with action will I try and help** People tend to say things like it will be ok to try and put there own minds at rest. **so I stand** And as soon as my car is fixed we are going to Oak Mountain. I know a few places that are good for the soul. and we are taking cameras.

Little Fish said...

I wanna take you to the river.

Unknown said...

I'll take you up on that. When?