The Cost of Friendliness

I've never wanted to destroy my News Feed more.

Do I really HAVE to have a flashing red sign thrown in my face everytime I turn the corner? It didn't turn out the way I wanted it to or thought it might -- awesome. Now can I just move on?!

Or is it not enough that I felt like an idiot when I first found out? Is it not enough that everytime I think about it I kind of want to shrivel up in dark hole? Is it not enough for me to be the odd man out here? I guess it's not enough for me to be hurt in this, but I've got to pretend to be happy about it too.

Sometimes I really hate being nice...

Love You Forever

It was a cloudy day in Alabama
She's startin' to realize
He'll be leavin' her behind
On her own
Cuz he was headin' north to New York City
Catchin' a train to his dreams
Settin' his baby free
When she don't wanna go

Standing at the station saying goodbye
She grabbed his hands and held him tight
Said "Baby, can you even look me in the eye?"

Didn't you say you'd love me forever
Didn't you say you'd be right here
Didn't you say that you would never
Leave me crying tears
Oh, didn't you say you'd love me forever

On a rainy day in New York City
He's got a brand new life
Pretty little trophy wife
And the perfect home
But she packed her bags and said "I'm leaving,
Headed for another's arms
Fell for his boyish charms
And you've gotta let me go"

Standing in the airport saying goodbye
He grabbed her hands and held her tight
Said "Baby, can you even look me in the eye?"

Didn't you say you'd love me forever
Didn't you say you'd be right here
Didn't you say that you would never
Leave me crying tears
Oh, didn't you say you'd love me forever

It's a sunny day in Alabama
She's got a smile on her face
Singing amazing grace
On and on
Cuz he's comin home from New York City
Said he finally realized
The girl that left behind
Was the one he loved

Standing in the front yard tryin not to cry
He grabbed her hands and held her tight
Said " Baby can you even look me in the eye?"

And she said
Didn't I say I'd love you forever
Didn't I say I'd be right here
Didn't I say that I would never
Leave you crying tears
Oh, didn't I say I'd love you forever

You Never Know

Lying alone in my bed
Trying to quiet my head
The light in the window could be
The very same moon that you see

And Mama says...
You never know if someone is searching
For someone just like you
No, you never know if love is waiting
Around the corner for you

Lying here under the stars
Wondering just who you are
Could you be lying nearby
Wondering just who am I

And Mama says...
You never know if someone is searching
For someone just like you
No, you never know if love is waiting
Around the corner for you

Icarus

Trying to hold him down is like trying to take a picture of the wind

It can't be done

Making him stay is holding a sunbeam in your hand

He flys away

Loving him you take the chance of being left on your own some day

If you build your castle in the sand

The tides comes to wash it away.. wash it away

He is wild

Won't tie himself to anything

And he'll fly

Straight into the sun with melting wings

You can't hold him down

No you can't hold him down

He'll never understand why you need security

He's not afraid

He'll never see the beauty of sweet simplicity

He'll fly away

Loving him you've got to know

That you'll have to let him go some day

If you put your heart in his hands

Time will waste it away... waste it away

He is wild

Won't tie himself to anything

And he'll fly

Straight into the sun with melting wings

You can't hold him down

No, you can't hold him down

Solo Por Ti

I've written a thousand letters
I've hummed that same sad tune
I sit and sigh a love song
Darling, only for you

I listen, though it bruises
I smile and I agree
She's beautiful, she's lovely
For you, love, not for me

I keep my troubles secret
Bottled up inside
I'll solve all your problems
Rather yours than mine

And while you've loved another
Though you may never see
I've done this all for you, dear
For you, love, not for me

Lather, Rinse and Repeat

There's nothing I want to do more right this second than to pack up a few things and just dissapear. I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of feeling so sick all the time. I'm tired of hospitals(whether it's for me, or my mom). I'm tired of my little sister not understanding that I have no control over any of this. I'm tired of having no control over any of it. It's not fair that I don't know if I'll be able to function like a normal person when I wake up. I'm tired of waking up some days and knowing that not only will I not be able to leave the house that day but that it's doubtful I'll even be able to stand up for more than a few minutes at a time...

I'm just tired of being me these days. I wanna trade with somebody else. But this isn't some kind of video game where I can switch characters when I feel like it. This is reality and I just have to face it and move on... or not depending on the day...


If one more person asks me what I'm planning for the fall I swear I'll have some sort of internal nuclear meltdown. I don't know what I'm doing come August. Heck, I don't know what I'm doing come Monday. I can hardley do anything by myself. I mean, nobody's spoon feeding me or anything like that, but I'm not as good as I used to be. I can't remember if I've taken meds at the right times. I do things two, three times before I can remember doing them at all. So I've kind of decided that the easiest way to not wanna bash something every time I realize I've done something that makes me feel like a 17 year old Alzheimer's patient is to just.. not do anything. So I sit around at home on the days I feel that heavyness. It's supposed to keep me sane, but it's doing just the opposite.. I guess I need a new strategy.

I was supposed to call Moe's about work this week. But now I don't know if I'll be able to come back. I want to. I really really want to. I need income, I need a reason to be out of this place 15-25 hrs a week. The problem though is that if I can't function at home, how the heck am I supposed to hold that job? I can't let them put me on a schedule I don't know I'll be able to keep. I hate when people leave me hanging like that and I hate being the person leaving somebody hanging even more.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. Mr. C's seven "s" sermon isn't helping me at the moment like it normally does (yeah yeah - anna's a choir nerd who takes notes at camp lee).

Whatever - I'm going back to sleep. Correction - I'm going to go lay down only to get up again to come write this, see that it's already done, get really angry and attempt to rip out my thyroid, go back to bed and start the process all over again till I do actually pass out.