Colonel Mustard, In the Ballroom, With the Grenade

You know those days where somethings wrong and everyone asks you what it is and all you can do is tell them you're fine. Not the days that you actually ARE fine, but the days when it's just easier to say that than to really talk about it. Maybe even the days that you're not 100 percent sure what's really wrong. Those days...

Well I had one of those again. Sure I know what's causing what's wrong, but I'm not sure why I feel the way I do. Anybody haphazardly reading this and the blogs before it could tell you what's causing it. It's the same with CSI:Miami. About fifteen minutes in everybody knows whodunit, but the show ain't over till Lieutenant Caine figures out why and puts his aviators back on.

Clearly it was Colonel Mustard, in the ballroom, with the candlestick, but why? What was his motive? Whatever could have incited such rash and hasty reaction?
The problem with these questions is that they all assume that there WAS something that happened that actually gave him grounds(or at least gave him the feeling that he had grounds) to commit such an act. Does anyone ever consider that it was just that... and act, not a REact, but just a plain old act. Nothing leading to it but Colonel Mustard's own little world and Mr. Black's party just happened to fall on the night the Colonel snapped.

Listen to me, I'm sitting here comparing the complexities of the human condition to a board game created for children 8 years and up. Whatever makes sense, right?

Nothing makes sense anymore. None of it. I don't understand how people can show you one side of them one week and then flip a coin and decide that Dr. Jekyll's turn is up and it's time for Mr. Hyde to roll the dice.

I don't understand how you can see the truth in someones eyes when they tell you things and then the next day you see, plain as day, that it was not only a lie, but the worst kind. You know the kind, a truth that's been twisted, contorted, drowned, stretched, and held up to a light in just this way so that it seems a bit more acceptable. That's the kind of truth that would make you cringe, but instead makes you feel a pain in your heart for it. I hate that kind of truth. I hate it because it isn't what it claims to be. Impostor! Wolf in an injured lambs wool! How dare you?

I don't understand how people can toss that four letter word around like it's a Walmart football. It's not a toy! It's a grenade and if you're not prepared to hold on for the rest of your life then for Christ's sake leave it in it's box! These are hearts of flesh, ya know. They'll get ripped apart and blown all over the place to the point where you don't know what's heart and what's debris.

You fools... when will you ever learn.

When will I ever learn?

There Will Be No White Flag At My Door

lost cause: a defeated cause or a cause for which defeat is inevitable; A cause, attempt or effort that is hopeless or futile:

There are those who would say that hope is the first step on the road to disappointment. There are those who would argue that hope is a poison, something that only prolongs your torture. There are some poor and despairing souls who would say that hope will kill you slowly.
Maybe so.

Maybe one of these days I'll look back and see all this time that I have spent hoping and see that nothing has come of it. Maybe one day I will look at you and see that you have not changed and that you will not change and wonder what had me so hopeful. Maybe I will have to see you hurt and wasting away years from now. Maybe hope is illogical and asking for more hurt. Maybe.

I don’t know what’s in the future.

But I do know that living within me is a fire. You can throw buckets of water and despair at me all day long, but you will not quench this flame. You won’t even touch it.

So you see, by definition it is impossible for you to be a lost cause.

I won’t be letting go anytime soon. Maybe I'm being stubborn and blinding myself with all this hope, but that's ok. Somethings are just worth it. Some people are just worth it. You underestimate yourself constantly. You underestimate the work that He is doing and will do in you.

You're worth this. All of it. Whether you think so or not.

Apathetic Way to Be

I'm just not sure it's even worth it to tell you how you've hurt me.

I just don't think you care anymore.

And that hurts me far more than the original blow.

New Clothes

It's times like this when my heart is hurting that all I really want to do is take off running with some angry music in my ears. I wanna lay it all out on the trail before me and just trample all over it until it feels like I've accomplished something.

I used to be really good at covering up what was going on beneath the surface. Only one or two people could ever really see through it. Sometimes I did it so well that I forgot what was going on and was distracted by the facade. I could believe for a second that that was what was real.

I can't do that anymore. I don't know where my filter went but I officially wear my heart on my sleeve now. I just wanna trade it in and get a different one. This one's tired.

Fly On The Wall

"Why couldn't you just be happy?" "Why didn't anybody warn me?" "I hate you because you're a ruiner" " I hate you because you hate me" "You're all nothing, I hate you all"

Hate, hate, hate.. All I hear is hate! I don't understand this! Wasn't this a family?! A mother? A daughter? What is this thing called 'hate' and who let it fly in and infect all the fruit in your hearts?

This is the worst I've ever seen. This didn't just happen today, or this week, or this month, or this year. These wounds have been festering, these bugs have been feasting for decades. These bugs that could strip a beast in seconds with their gnawing and gnashing of teeth,these bugs have had too long to rip apart these souls.

I don't know if there's even any point in flying in to pick at the pieces. I don't think there's anything left to salvage.

They are dusty bones and rotten flesh.

I think I'll fly out next time the door opens.

My Problem

If I could sleep on a blue and white polka dotted couch next to a music room... I would.

If I could just write devotions and listen to the dramas of the Bubble People all day long and make a diffference... I would.

If I could be your wife and raise your children with no paycheck... I would.

If I could function outside the bounds of what people think you ought to do... I would.

If I could work my little heart heart out doing all the little things that it so longs to do for this awful, tired world... I would.

I would and I would be happy.

I don't wanna live like those people behind the wrought iron, ivy covered gates. I'm perfectly happy on a polka dotted couch next to a music room. I think closets are over rated. I think it's all over rated.

But nodoby else does. Everybody else wants to run away somewhere exciting. Everybody else wants to work somewhere with benefits. I just want to find my own version of benefits.

I don't belong.
I'm not a normal person.

Good thing though, because nobody else is either.

If

I used to question too.
I thought I knew.

I thought it was the best.
But it wasn't what had been planned for us.

"If" is a dangerous, heartbreaking game.
Don't play with fire, not even the imaginary kind.

You Are God

From the start the child was helpless
When they turned her out to die
Not a soul would have compassion
Till the Lord himself passed by

You spoke her into beauty
Breathed life into her lungs
Wrapped yourself around her
When she was at the age for love

You entered in a covenant
Made a vow and called her yours
But she whored away your riches
To all that passed her door

You are a Savior to those
Who are defiled and unclean
You’re the Redeemer of one
Who would not be redeemed
A groom to a cold a faithless bride
A husband who is often cast aside
Though she’s forgotten now
You’ll satisfy your vow
Then she will know that You are God

I continued in my wicked ways
Still you supplied my every need
Though I sacrificed to idols
All the gifts you'd given me

When my lovers did not seek me
I would bribe them with your jewels
Till you gave me over to them
Made me see I'd been a fool

Still You remember the covenant
We had entered in my youth
And my shame will never haunt my dreams
For I am free to dream of you

You were my Savior
When I was defiled and unclean
You were my Redeemer
When I would not be redeemed
A groom to this cold and faithless bride
A husband that I have often cast aside
And I can see that now
You satisfied your vow
That I would know that You are God

Icarus (New and Improved)

Trying to hold him down is like trying to take a picture of the wind
It can't be done
Making him stay is holding a sunbeam in your hand
He flys away
Loving him you take the chance of being left on your own some day
If you build your castle in the sand
The tides comes to wash it away.. wash it away

He is wild
Won't tie himself to anything
And he'll fly
Straight into the sun with melting wings
You can't hold him down
No you can't hold him down

He'll never understand why you need security
He's not afraid
He'll never see the beauty of sweet simplicity
He'll fly away
Loving him you've got to know
That you'll have to let him go some day
If you put your heart in his hands
Time will waste it away... waste it away

He is wild
Won't tie himself to anything
And he'll fly
Straight into the sun with melting wings
You can't hold him down
No, you can't hold him down

He's just a bird in a cage
Get too close and it'll break
Give Icarus wings and he won't hesitate
He'll just fly away
So far away
He'll fly away

Promises

You weren't supposed to go away
Love, I was already yours
If you weren't supposed to stay
What were those promises for

Come and get me
I won't run
Just come and get me

Come and find me
I won't hide
Just come and find me

Come and hold me
In your arms
Just come and hold me
Come and hold me, love(X3)
Keep your promises

I can't just break this vow
Love, I am already yours
If I'm supposed to leave you now
What were those promises for

I'll come and get you
Please don't run
I'll come and get you

I'll come and find you
Please don't hide
I'll come and find you

I'll come and hold you
In my arms
I'll come and hold you
I'll Come and hold you love(x3)
I'll keep my promises

I know if I leave this place
My heart will still be yours
And I'll wonder every day
What were those promises for

If you chase me
I won't run
I hope you get me

If you seek me
I won't hide
I hope you find me

Oh, come and hold me
In your arms
Just come and hold me
Just come and hold me, love(x3)
Keep your promises

Trust Me, You Love Me, Now Eat Your Toast

I wouldn't mind the memory loss. I wouldn't mind the forgetfulness. I wouldn't mind not knowing who you are.

I wouldn't mind being so cold and tired. I wouldn't mind the heaviness in my heart.I wouldn't mind my efforts being in vain.

I wouldn't mind the gap between two days ago and right now. I wouldn't mind not knowing where I was going. I wouldn't mind not knowing where I'd been.

I wouldn't mind writing the same lines again and again. I wouldn't mind taking longer to do the simple tasks. I wouldn't mind holding a pen to a blank page in confusion.

If only there was someone to tell stories about last years trip, remind me it's time to take my medicine, and write notes with breakfast.

If only there was someone to wrap me up, remind me it won't always be like this, and
carry me the rest of the way.

If only there was someone to reminisce instantly,open the front door and tell me I left my car keys in the living room.

If only there was someone to tell me they like that line as much as they did the first time, that they don't mind the extra time with me, and that I was right -- that idea would make for a good song.

Now About This Whore

In the book of Ezekiel you'll find the author's account of his visions of/from the Lord concerning warnings and other messages to the people of Isreal.
Before I get into what really hit me last night (well, perhaps it was this morning) let's just say, Ezekiel's probably the most colorful book I've ever read. Including the Chronicles of Narnia, which is saying quite a alot. The description of his vision of the glory of God alone is the most insane thing to try comprehending[1:4-28]. I can't even begin to wrap my head around what that must have looked like, which is why it's not so weird to think that when Ezekiel saw these things the Spirit had to actually enter into him and set him on his feet[2:2].

All throughout the book the Lord is constantly telling Ezekiel that the nation of Isreal is a rebellious house(big surprise). There are several pretty dark descriptions of the punishment that is coming for those who do not heed the warnings given, talk of dead bodies and scattered bones, the slain falling in their midst -- takes a tougher stomach than mine to handle it. In these accounts of the destruction and judgement to come for the rebellious house of Isreal there are always(or almost always) a few left alive. God gives his reasoning here in chapter 6 verses 8 through 10...

"Yet I will leave some of you alive. When you have among the nations some who escape the sword, and when you are scattered through the countries, then those of you who escape will remember me among the nations where they are carried captive, how I have been broken over their whoring heart that has departed from me and over their eyes that go whoring after their idols. And they will be loathsome in their own sight for the evils that they have committed, for all their abominations. And they shall know that I am the LORD. I have not said in vain that I would do this evil to them"

When I read that I kept picturing the scene from Redeeming Love where Michael finds his wife, Angel, returning to prostitution in the upper room of a bar. She's with some other man and in walks Michael, and he's all sorts of angry as he fights their way out of the saloon. I won't ruin the rest of the book for you, because you've gotta read it(guys and girls...) but sufice to say that his heart was ripped into pieces at this point. It's that picture of fiery brokenness that burns itself into your core.

In chapter 16 God give Ezekiel a vivid word picture of what has happened. From the day that Isreal was born she was rejected. No one even bothered to bathe the child or cut the cord, it was simply left to wallow in blood(can you imagine?). But the Lord came past and made the child to grow and flourish.I love the way He puts this where He just speaks the child into growth, "Live!". And this is my favorite part so I'm gunna quote it rather than paraphrase...

"When I passed by you again and saw you, behold, you were at the age for love, and I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness; I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Lord GOD, and you became mine...

...You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty. And your renown went forth among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the Lord GOD.

I love that... Anyways so at this point in the picture we see this amazing story of redemption and love. Surely the bride is about to start singing songs of devotion and bowing and all sorts of thanksgiving is about to take place. We're talking epic feasts, joy and dancing right? Not quite...

"But you trusted in your beauty and played the whore because of your renown and lavished your whorings on any passerby; your beauty became his...
...And you took your sons and your daughters, whom you had borne to me, and these you sacrificed to them to be devoured. Were your whorings so small a matter that you slaughtered my children and delivered them up as an offering by fire to them?"

Really? Does that not just break the heart?!

And in all your abominations and your whorings you did not remember the days of your youth, when you were naked and bare, wallowing in your blood.

Can't get worse can it? Yeah... it can.

"How sick is your heart, declares the Lord GOD, because you did all these things, the deeds of a brazen prostitute, building your vaulted chamber at the head of every street, and making your lofty place in every square. Yet you were not like a prostitute, because you scorned payment. Adulterous wife, who receives strangers instead of her husband! Men give gifts to all prostitutes, but you gave your gifts to all your lovers, bribing them to come to you from every side with your whorings. So you were different from other women in your whorings. No one solicited you to play the whore, and you gave payment, while no payment was given to you; therefore you were different."

Let me get this straight. Not only was there no thanks, but there was adultery and prostitution. This new bride gave herself to any passerby. She gave the gifts from her husband to strangers. She gave her children as sacrifices to them. More than that... she paid them. Seriously?! What kind of messed up, off her rocker, crazy, ungrateful, evil... Oh wait... This is about Isreal. This is about me.

It's not a pleasant thing to think about, being a whore. There's no way to twist it into normality or explain it away. It is what it is. Oh and it's true. I've given all my best efforts towards countless idolatrous activities. When my best, that has never truly been mine, should have been given towards the works of God it has been spent towards the chasing after that which will not last. Chasing after my own personal pleasure and the acceptance of those I have set in a higher place than the One who gave me everything I am.

Ezekiel goes on to talk of this bride, this prostitute, and her abominations that seem to build upon each other for verse after verse after verse. I could hardley keep reading it for all the guilt that seemed to wash over me in buckets. The words from 16:28 kept echoing in my heart. "..and still you were not satisfied... and still you were not satisfied.."

However, I was in this deep so I had to keep going. There was no use stopping now.

And there it was. Chapter 16:59-63.

"For thus says the Lord GOD: I will deal with you as you have done, you who have despised the oath in breaking the covenant, yet I will remember my covenant with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish for you an everlasting covenant. Then you will remember your ways and be ashamed when you take your sisters, both your elder and your younger, and I give them to you as daughters, but not on account of the covenant with you. I will establish my covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the LORD, that you may remember and be confounded, and never open your mouth again because of your shame, when I atone for you for all that you have done, declares the Lord GOD."

You remember that line from earlier about Isreal being at the the age for love? Think about a sweet, young, beautiful girl getting ready for her wedding. You know that feeling when everybody in the church stands up to watch her walk up the aisle? You have that picture in your head? Ok, now picture that she says "I do", kisses her husband and then as soon as the reception gets going somebody finds her in a closet with a wedding crasher. She goes on her honeymoon and she puts ads in papers seeking out new lovers. Her husband puts her up in a beautiful home, gives her everything she could ever want and she invites the neighbors over for all types of lewd, disgraceful things. Has the sweet, innocent character morphed into the picture of decadence and coldhearted betrayal yet?
Remember the look on the grooms face when his bride, the delight of his heart, walked toward him in the church. Do you see it now? The brokenheartedness, his wounded heart on display...

There is nothing more wonderful than this, that he takes his wife and rids her of the evil that has crept and slithered it's way into her heart. Because though she may have forgotten and disgraced the vows she made to him, though she may not remember how desperately lost she was before he took her as his own -- he remembers. He remembers and He will redeem His bride again.

And that,my friends, is what the Lord did for Isreal. What he did for me.

Ask Me About a Whore

It's ridiculously late, but I've been forgetting things REALLY easily recently so I'm posting this as a reminder to myself.

If I don't write about what I just read in Ezekial, somebody ask me about it, because let me tell you -- it's beyond amazing. Seriously, I read it and I can't stop saying "wow" over and over and over again.

So somebody ask me about Ezekial.
Actually it's not so much about Ezekial as it is about a whore. Ezekial was just the messenger. So somebody ask me about the whore.

And if that doesn't pique your interest, then I don't know what will....

Hahaha.. funny thought -- My memory has been terrible recently, so it's incredibley possible that someone will come to me and say "Hey, so tell me about this whore.." and I'll give them the most spectacular look of bewilderment that has ever graced my face. So maybe when you ask me, it might be fun if you had a camera handy.

Ok?
Ok.

Story of My Life

This is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS!!

Almost the Same

We’re different, so different
But we’re almost the same
Just another purposed accident
That we still can’t explain
We’re falling, we’re fallen
Like a pair of snowflakes
We’re different, so different
Cuz we’re almost the same

You and I are two kids that roam
Dropping crumbs to take us back home
Turning back in time to see
Birds flying to the trees
Blame ourselves, blame each other
Blame our fathers, blame our mothers
Yelling, "Brother shouldn't you have known
Should've kept our bread and dropped our stones"

Is it left or right at this next tree
Of course we can't agree

We’re different, so different
But we’re almost the same
Just another purposed accident
That we still can’t explain
We’re falling, we’re fallen
Like a pair of snowflakes
We’re different, so different
Cuz we’re almost the same

10 Items or Less...

So I used to wonder who would get so bored as to make those little surveys that you see all over Facebook and Myspace, and then I realized... I am that bored. Plus I was watching the Morgan Freeman film 10 Items or Less and they (Mr. Freeman and Paz Vega's characters) were playing a game where they talked about the 10 items they couldn't live without.. different categories and such. So I started making lists no no particular order.. If you're as bored as I am, copy and paste and change the answers..

Keepers(things you can't live without)
1)Music
2)Photography
3)The capacity to love
4)Bible
5)Art supplies
6)Journals
7)My teddy bear
8)Classic movies
9)Favorite hoodie
10)Imagination

Songs
1)"Godspeed, Sweet Dreams"/ Dixie Chicks
2)"Long Ride Home"/ Patty Griffin
3)"Hallelujah"/ Jeff Buckley
4)"When You Say Nothing At All"/ Allison Krauss
5)"The Luckiest"/ Ben Folds
6)"Afraid"/ Chad Robison
7)"Love Song for a Savior"/ Jars of Clay
8)"When You Say You Love Me"/ Josh Groban
9)"Suddenly I See"/ KT Tunstall
10)"Someone to Watch Over Me"/ Ella Fitzgerald

Pictures
1)Kaylor, Miriam, & me in the Friday's backyard
2)Dollar Theatre Photobooth
3)Me & Lydia on top of the Ameritania in NYC
4)The field in England
5)Lynze & Tyler in England
6)Walking up the dirt road at Camp Lee
7)Emkay& me @ her 16th birthday party
8)Becca & me at the American Idol auditions
9)Sitting in the swing after Mee-Maw's funeral
10)Gavin & Me @ BYG

Quotes
1)"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."-Anne Frank
2)"Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow."-Aesop
3)"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."-Dan Quayle
4)"Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity."-Socrates
5)"No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. "-Charles Dickens
6)"Have courage for the great sorrows of life, and patience for the small ones; and when you have laborously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake."-Victor Hugo
7)"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."-Ralph Waldo Emerson
8)"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission"-Eleanor Roosevelt
9)"You'd find it easier to be bad than good if you had red hair... People who haven't red hair don't know what trouble is."- Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables
10)"'When a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor's stead, the table would crack and Death itself would start working backwards.'"-C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

Books/Series
1)Redeeming Love / Francine Rivers
2)Anne of Green Gables / L.M. Montgomery
3)The Chronicles of Narnia / C.S. Lewis
4)The Giver trilogy/ Lois Lowry
5)Little House Books / Laura Ingalls Wilder
6)Number the Stars / Lois Lowry
7)Lord of the Rings(&the Hobbit) / JRR Tolkien
8)Zion Chronicles / Bodie Thoene
9)Catcher in the Rye / J.D. Salinger
10)The Hiding Place / Corrie ten Boom

Hymns
1)Rock of Ages
2)It Is Well With My Soul
3)Be Thou My Vision
4)Give Me Jesus
5)Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
6)When I Survey the Wondrous Cross
7)In Christ Alone
8)Dear Refuge of My Weary Soul
9)O Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go
10)Whate're My God Ordains is Right

Movies
1)The Patriot
2)The Dead Poets Society
3)Life is Beautiful
4)Breakfast at Tiffany's
5)National Treasure
6)The Little Mermaid
7)The Chronicles of Narnia (the old BBC series)
8)Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken
9)Anne of Green Gables
10)Swiss Family Robinson

Musicals
1)Sound of Music
2)King & I
3)Phantom of the Opera
4)Newsies
5)Oklahoma!
6)The Music Man
7)Funny Face
8)Fiddler on the Roof
9)Annie
10)The Wizard of Oz

Different, So Different

All I know is that I don't know anything anymore.


And I don't understand how I can forget things that happened five minutes ago, but things that happened weeks ago that I have so desperately longed to forget -- those things play over and over in my head. I can forget what I had for lunch, I can forget that I even HAD lunch, but I remember in vivid detail what you were wearing, everything you said, and even the particular way that you smelled.

Selective memory would be better. Easier.

But no...

You Love

I posted a version of this awhile back as a poem. I've adapted it and added a few verses and now that I've got a guitar(thanks again Nathan!!!!) added some music to it
I've written a thousand letters
I've hummed that same sad tune
I sit and sigh a love song
Darling, only for you

I listen, though it bruises
I smile and I agree
She's beautiful, she's lovely
To you love, not to me
To you love, never to me

I keep my troubles secret
Bottled up inside
I'll solve all your problems
Rather yours than mine

And while you've loved another
Though you may never see
I've done this all for you, dear
For you, love, not for me
For you, love, never for me

I'll go with him if you ask me
I'll tell you I agree
He's handsome, he's a keeper
But he's not right for me

I can not love another
And though you may never love me
I'm waiting here for you dear
For you love, you and me
For you love, you and me
Please say that you love me

Like You Just Don't Care At All

I will never understand what makes us do the things that we do.
I will never be ok with this.

I have never been so invested in something.
I have never been so hurt.


I am confused.
I am broken.

You...

I don't have any idea who this person is, but I want to know where you went.

I'm still here.

Note to Self

Remember how it felt when you were in those shoes and don't allow yourself to get high and mighty now that it's on the other foot.

Never underestimate the pure unadulterated stupidity of a teenage boy.

Never underestimate the importance of good timing.

Never underestimate the beauty in laughing at yourself and the ironic situations you get yourself into on a daily basis. (And while we'e on that -- I do get myself in some interesting ones. It's like my role in life is to inspire situations in which ridiculous stories can take place)

Hold that love in your heart and guard it with all your might. It runs deeper than others and will not be drained easily, but don't let outside factors poison the waters or you'll regret even knowing it in the first place.

And last but not least...
Next time you see a bike -- walk in a calm and orderly fashion in the opposite direction in order to avoid a situation in which you might be placed on crutches for any period of time. The increased upper arm strength isn't worth it.