Dot Dot Dot (And All That Comes Before The...)

"So tell me, when did you initially begin having an interest in..."

To tell you the truth, I couldn't rightly tell you.

For as long as I can remember my head and my heart have been very similiar to those plasma balls at the McWane Center. I've got hundreds of plasma filaments reaching out from the center to the rest of the world. They're all just floating in constant chaos waiting for a hand to come close to the glass so that I can focus the current. They kept telling me that I could do anything I set my mind to. I believed them, I just realized how crazy that was. The problem isn't the "do"ing. The problem is setting my mind to it.

I could go to culinary school and absolutely love it. I could learn all the chemistry and all the different cogs and gears that make it work, and however challenging that may be -- have an absolute ball. I know I'd love the creative side -- I'm already doodling little musings and ideas for cakes and treats.

I could go to Samford and be a Music Education major. It would be hard... really, really hard. But it would be worth it. It's no secret that I'm passionate about music. I love listening to it, learning it, creating it and playing with all the possibilities. I can't tell you how influential the different music teachers in my life have been. I look up to them like some people look up to comic book super heroes and Olympic athletes. The challenge of being that kind of person, that kind of soul, would keep me on my toes.

I could do any number of things that are spinning around in this head of mine, and I'd find a way to flow all that passion into what I'm doing right then. I just keep second guessing myself on whether or not THAT choice is the choice I really want to stick with. Everyone tells you that you don't have to choose right now -- "You're young, you've got plenty of time to decide, you've got your whole life ahead of you." Yeah, I've got my whole life ahead of me, but who knows just how long that is? What if I don't want to wait a few years and then decide. What if I want to go ahead and start doing this thing so that I can suck the marrow out of every second? What if, what if, what if.. Mee-Maw always said not to "what if".

Maybe I should just go. Maybe I should just jump in, full steam ahead. Maybe... I am so completely done with 'maybe(dot dot dot)'. Can I just have a final, firm "Yes(period)" End of story? "..." is really just a question mark after all. A question mark or an "I'm not sure, but periods make me feel more secure than nothing at all"

She's a wild one alright. A wild, confused ball of electric current with no particular direction.

So I'm waiting for the hand to the glass now. The audience has filed into the observatory and the mad scientist is asking for volunteers...

I'd Like to Buy A Vowel

This is so retarded! Are we seriously talking to each other via blog posts?!

For all future reference this is where I stand.
-I want to be your friend
-I've been a really sucky one as of late.
-I'm sorry, and I don't know how else I'm supposed to say that.

The only reason I said what I did last night about giving you space was because I thought that you were saying you wanted me to back off.

I've tried talking, I've tried listening, I've tried all I know how. So now I'm just waving a white flag asking you to listen when I say I have no idea what you want from me. Obviously I've been going about all this the wrong way. I just don't know what the right thing is here.

I'm sorry that I've been scattered and distant at times. I'm sorry that I'm apparently misunderstanding everything you say. I'm sorry that I screwed up over and over and over again. I'm sorry that I've been so self-involved.

I didn't mean to say that it was silly. I meant to say that it sucks. Because it does, for all parties involved.

Maybe I shouldn't even say that. Maybe I should just shut up already.

I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to, ok.

Thank You Mr. C

..and I've got nowhere to turn. So what now?

Instead of moping and complaining -- it's time for me to just grow up. So it didn't work. None of it worked. So brush off the dust and keep moving. That's life.

Right now the next thing is finding a job. The next thing after that is getting in school. At least in the forseeable future... So that's what I'm doing.

Though I would much prefer going about these things with those friends by my side, it seems that's just not gonna happen. So it'll suck a little more, but I'll live. And they'll live.

God's got a plan and He says it's all working for the good of those who love Him, so I won't worry about how we're getting from point A to point B. This too shall pass and it'll all work out in the end. "Cast your burdens upon the Lord and He shall sustain thee... " Nobody really liked that song in choir, but the words stuck...

Remember

I see your silhouette in photographs of other people’s lives
Every smile you’re faking and every discontented sigh
Such intelligent disguise
Each time I turn I am confronted with another pack of lies
I try to hide my heart that’s breaking, but you can see the signs
If you look into my eyes

Every time that I see your beautiful face
Makes it more impossible to erase
And I remember

All the memories, the songs and the places we would go
Silent symphonies that echo in a heart you used to know
Yes, I remember
Every time you said you couldn't put my voice out of your mind
Followed where you led, left all my doubts and fears behind
Yes, I remember

I wonder if you feel the wind and let is carry you back there
To the night you kissed me as it blowed around my hair
Sometimes I think it isn’t fair
You’ll always know no matter what that I will catch you if you fall
If you ever miss me you know I’m waiting for your call
But is it worth it all

Every time I see that look in your eyes
Makes the past impossible to revise
Do you remember

All the memories, the songs and the places we would go
Silent symphonies that echo in a heart you used to know
Do you remember
Every time you said you couldn’t put my voice out of your mind
Followed where you led, left all my doubts and fears behind
Do you remember

I remember the way you looked at me
I remember floating in the sea
You there, my heart in your hand
In hand laughing at moon
Flowers at my door
Slammed in my face
To face wondering what to do
That thing you do
You remember

All the memories, the songs and the places we would go
Silent symphonies that echo in a heart you used to know
Yes, I remember
But do you remember
Every time you said you couldn’t put my voice out of your mind
Followed where you led, left all my doubts and fears behind
Yes, I remember
But do you remember

Oh yes I remember...

I Can't Believe I Hit a Giraffe

So I spent the night with my sister's family in Calera last night before I drove them to the airport. They're heading off to Washington DC to see the Inauguration and the flight left super early so we made a night of it.
My niece Megan was so very kind to me and offered the other half of her bed so that I didn't have to spend the night on the couch. She did this and failed to inform me that her room is a breeding ground for very strange, very vivid dreams. Dreams like the one I had last night.

The dream starts at BYG one Wednesday night. I'm excited and letting all of my friends know that I just got a job at ChikFilA on 280. One particularly creepy guy walks up and asks me out on a date for Saturday night. I didn't want to go but didn't want to hurt his feelings so I told him that I might be working till close that night.
Later Kathleen Cook invited me to go out and catch dinner and a movie with her Saturday night. So the dream continues as I'm driving(not my car, but an FJ Cruiser) Kathleen back to her car (parked at ChikFilA). We pull in the parking lot and see that the guy who had asked me out was sitting in his car and looked really upset. So we start to drive off but he's already seen us and begins to follow us.
We drive all over Birmingham trying to lose him. As we drive down the hill on Columbiana Rd, we hear a really loud weird noise from the bottom of the car and suddenly it won't move forward anymore. I looked to my left and what did I see? A GIRAFFE

I woke up and freaked out. I may have kicked Megan. But I very quickly fell back asleep and picked up here...

All I could say was "I hit a giraffe. I can't believe I just hit a giraffe! We're in Birmingham -- how did I just hit a giraffe?!" I asked Kathleen if she saw it coming and she said she did. So I started freaking out because she didn't say anything. And the guy who had been following us came to the window all upset and said he'd been waiting for me for hours. I just said "I don't even have time to deal with this right now... I just hit a giraffe with my car."
So a bunch of cops show up and my mom appears out of nowhere and starts talking to stalker boy about separating fantasy from reality. The cops told me the giraffe has escaped from the zoo when one of the children's zoo workers had forgotten to lock the cage or something. Just then the giraffe stands up, crushes a whole side of the FJ and runs away.
So I drove Kathleen to her car and started to drive home. Only problem was after an hour or so I realized I had been driving around in circles. So I stopped at a red light and was thinking.. "I need to to turn right.. or is it left. Maybe it's right..."

And that's how I woke up, sitting there freaknign out because I knew where I needed to go but for the life of me didn't know which direction I needed to turn.
Weird dream. If yall only knew what that giraffe means...

Strengths and Weaknesses

I got an e-mail today from a Facebook application called "Compare People" titled "A List of Your Strengths and Weaknesses as Voted by Your Friends". First of all, the idea of my friends voting on what I'm good at and what I not good at kind of freaks me out. But secondly, it kind of intrigues me -- so I checked it out.

Apparently everyone seems to think I'm smart, would make a good mother, am very generous, not the best shopping companion, not the best flirter, and really really bad at planning. Interesting for sure... I mean, I guess it's cool that they think the good things and totally true that I suck at shopping, planning and I'm not the smoothest when it comes to flirting etc.. It's just weird.

A good friend sent me a message about dealing with losing someone. He advised that I make a list of the things that I would look for in a man. I started going through the bible (also as he suggested) and writing down the different characteristics that I want him, the "perfect man" as he put it, to have. It's not the list I used to have, for sure. The do's and don'ts are all very different from what I used to want. I guess that's a sign that I'm growing up a little bit - changing in good ways. Maybe I'll type it up here later...

I messed up. It started out just being confused. Then confusion turned to feeling like I had gotten in too deep and that turned into trying to make it better on the other person involved which turned into me totally and completely ruining what used to be a friendship. It doesn't even matter how I got us to the place we're in though. It's all just trying to rationalize it, trying to make myself feel better about it. But it doesn't matter. I messed up and I've gotta take whatever comes from that.

I tried to step towards making things right yesterday and I'm still waiting for a response. I decided to wait and not push it anymore. If he wants to talk to me, I'll be there -- if he doesn't, I'll still be there.

Strength -- sticking around. Weakness -- knowing when it's time to leave.
Strength -- being there. Weakness -- backing off when I shouldn't be there.

Little Bit Of Backstory

I about flipped my lid yesterday afternoon when I overheard my choir girls discussing what they believed was the extent of my sex life. They didn't know I was there and I'm still not sure who it was in the robing room talking, but every little thing they said cut to the core. Mostly because one or two of the things they said were absolutely true, even though the majority of it was absolute horse manure.

This past year has been a rough one for me in that area. I've been really, really stupid and at times downright rebellious when it comes to guys and what I would or wouldn't do with them. I haven't been treating this body like it belongs to the Lord (or my heart for that matter). It's been mine and I've done with it what I or whoever held my heart at the time pleased. Some were more carefull with it than others, for sure.

But no, I was not invloved in any group sex in a public place. No, I did not get pregnant. No, I absolutely did not abort that child to cover my own reputation. No, I didn't contract an STD and no, I have not made it a practice of mine to publish any sexcapades on the internet in blog or video form.

It hurts me not because they're talking about it, and not because I've been found out (I have been planning to tell some of these girls my experiences in hopes that they will learn from some of my mistakes when the time is right.) It hurts me because they never came to me when they heard these things. Abortion? Do they really think I would take someone elses life in order to put out this pretty picture of myself out there? And if they do really believe that I have done this, why on earth would they not come to confront me about it.

These aren't just random faceless, nameless girls at Briarwood. These are my choir girls! These are girls that I have at times considered my closest, dearest friends. These are girls who have been in my Disciplship Groups and who have been in other small groups with me. One of these girls used to be my accountability partner. That one stings the most.

I'm so fed up with this world. I'm so tired of these cuts and bruises. I keep sewing them up and thinking I'm getting on the right track, but every word they say rips open another stitch and it feels like it was yesterday. I wish they would become scars already.

I'm praying that God will give me a strong and a gentle spirit when dealing with the responses from the note I posted on Facebook. It's been 6 hours and already there are hurtful, and maliciously worded messages of accusation in my inbox. Praise God for holding my tongue yesterday when they were all in there slinging mud at the mirrors. One word and I would have torn them all down. Please pray that I would keep my mouth shut when I need to and when I do speak that each word will be glorifying to God and fall on ears that will listen.

A Tiny Little Story is All I Need (watch out for the rumor weed)

I'm doing a little rumor mill damage control.

Apparently there's been a alot of stuff said about me and various physical relationships that I may or may not have had with different guys. I don't know specifally what has been said or who said it or even if you've heard it, I'm just trying to cover all my bases here.

I just wanted to let you all know that if you do hear anything that I would really appreciate if you came directly to me about it. I'm more than happy to discuss it with anyone and answer any questions you might have. My interest here is not to present any kind of picture perfect image. I don't claim to be anywhere near perfect in this or any other area, and to those close to me it is no secret that I have struggled here particularly. I don't want to just say that I'm innocent or to point fingers at who started this or who helped it along. I would just like the opportunity to speak for myself here rather than letting this get so overgrown with half truths and whole lies that no one knows what to make sense of anymore.

In the past I have been content to just brush this sort of thing off and say "Oh well, people will say what they say" but I really think it's gone too far.

Here, read this from the ESV:

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 4:25-32



I want you all to understand that I'm not sending this out in anger at anyone -- I simply want the air to be clear so that there is no division among this body of believers. Rumors, gossip, secrets and lies do not become the children of the Living God. Too long have we let perverse men/women stir up dissension and gossips ruin friendships(Prv 16:28). Have we forgotten so soon that Christ died to cleanse us of our sins? Have we forgotten so soon that we are called to promote and protect the purity and unity of the Church?

It's more than just not lying. It's more than just not starting a rumor. The NASB put's it like this in Proverbs 17:9 : "He who conceals a transgression seeks love,But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends." Another version says that someone who would erase a sin by forgiving it shows love.

We are called to be like Christ. Christ did not die on a cross and seperate us from our sin to whisper about what we had done later. No, he died for us that we might be seperated from our sins so far as the east is from the west. He died so that now, when God looks at us he doesn't see liars, theives, prostitutes and covenant breakers -- He see's his righteous Son. Who are we to drive the nails in deeper and to grieve the Holy Spirit with our inability to rid ourselves of slanderous speech?

I don't ask that you do this in just this situation. I ask that we all(me included) start living what we say we believe. If it's not in our hearts, if the fruits aren't in our lives all the time then we're nothing more than a bunch of idiots in costumes on Sunday morning.

The Promised Update

He came and he went. I don't know why I ever expect anything else.

They (Mom and Lydia) gave him a copy of my cd. Without asking me...
I was planning on giving him one, just planned on taking the song that talks about him leaving out.

So after he left I ran a few of those errands. I had planned on having dinner with a friend, but got an enormous headache and came home to watch movies with Lydia and write.

I started writing a song on the piano. Which is strange because I can't exactly play the piano -- but I like the way it's sounding so far. Sounds sort of like a music box...

In other news, turns out I'm off tomorrow(or most of it anyways) as well. Doctor put Rev on bedrest for the next couple days and Saeed's gonna take some time off work to help out. Apparently he's noticed how stressed I've been recently and told her I needed some space. I mean he's right -- I do. I just don't feel right. I don't really look at helping her as a job. I get paid for it, but I'd probably still help as much as I could if I wasn't getting paid. She's just so great...

I seriously need to go take a bath. Not that I'm insanely dirty or anything, just need to chill out and relax. Which I am, btw, not very good at as someone recently told me. Someone I'm gonna miss... Someone I already miss.

I guess I should stop rambling on and on now. Hope all is well with you and yours -- have a good night.

Oh Well.

So I finally got the day off I've been needing. It's been good to be able to just sit around and not be rushing off to work or to pick up Rev's dry claening or prescriptions. It was nice to watch tv. I haven't watched tv in forever.

I was gonna go and do some shopping and run some of my own errands for once, but just as I was leaving we had an unexpected visitor. Good ole Dad...

So I couldn't exactly leave Lydia with him here alone. So I'm gonna stick around here till he leaves and hope there's still time to do all the things I needed to get done.

I'll be sure to update later.

Tired of This Box

I don’t think there is anything in this world that ticks me off more than that. No, right now I’m not real inclined to care about how you are. Right now I really don’t care how you feel or what you have to say.

You’re acting like a baby. It didn’t go your way. It didn’t go nearly the way you thought it might. Get over it.

I’m not interested. I was, but I’m really, really not anymore.

Just because I’m not interested in you doesn’t mean that I don’t still care about you. You were my friend first and I still want to be your friend. Ok so right now, I wouldn’t mind you disappearing for a little while. That’s because I’m not perfect, I’m not anywhere close.

You say I just want you around when I need you. You think I just want to use you and lose you when it gets hard. If that’s true, what’s so different about you? You liked having me around when I made you feel better about yourself or when you thought things were heading in the direction you hoped. You wanted me around when I would hold your hand and stay up late talking. You wanted me there when I was easier to like. But now that it’s not so easy-- what are you doing? Throwing me back. Running away.

See, that’s why it’s so hard to believe when someone says they love you and they don’t want something from you. You can talk and talk all day long about being selfless and being unconditional, but ‘til you back it up with your actions it’s all just blowing smoke. Regardless of the phrase there’s not always fire. Sometimes it’s just a smoldering pile of ashes. Until you follow through when it’s hard to do what you’ve said, you’re just talking.

You think you’ve got me all figured out, but you don’t. Sure I’m broken like everyone else. But just because I’m not following the same path you are to being fixed doesn’t mean that I am content to sit in shambles. You’re right, you can’t fix me. I’m glad somebody finally figured that out. You can’t, your friend can’t, my other friends can’t, a relationship can’t, a job can’t, music can’t, this world can’t and will not fix me. I know that. I know there’s only one who can and he’s doing just that.

Everyone is different and everyone is broken in different ways. You can’t use the same tools for every repair, and not every repair can be fixed in the same amount of time. So chill out and stop pushing your own users guide onto me. I’m a completely different model.

I'm not riding any waves. Yes, I'm hurting. I'm still living though. I'm just not living the way you think that I should. I won't change that either. I'll probably never live the way you think that I should. I'll probably never be your definition of free. You'll probably always think I'm living as a victim, but I'm not. If I lived as a victim I would have reached my threshold long ago. You know part of what's made me who I am, but you don't know the half of it. You don't even know a quarter. I'm weak, but the Lord has given me strength to do more than just let it happen, and when you say that that's all I do you have no clue the kind of hurt and anger that that wells up in me.

If I read that wrong, or if you changed your mind, do me a favor. Don’t come and tell me you’re not leaving. Just let me be for awhile. You don’t get to take the decision out of my hands. You can take certain options away for sure, but you don’t get to decide for me. Right now I’m deciding that this whole situation is out of control and I’m stepping out of it.

The Complex Infrastructure Known As The Female Mind

My train of thought on the drive home...

"God, I'm gonna miss him. Am I seriously right back where I was before? I really, really do not want to go back through that whole process again. I was doing so much better and then all of the sudden he's back...

Who the hell asked you to come back anyway!? I could have done without this. I really could have just kept on going in my believing that you were gone and I just had to deal with not being able to get over this...

Oh, but it was so good to be with you again. I can't tell you how much I've wanted to see that look on your face. The whole thing feels like I dreamed it, it's too good. Oh, but there's no way I dreamed that. No way that wasn't you...

It felt like it used to. You're right -- that is the only time I really ever relax. It's cause it's the only time I can stop thinking about everything I want to say, everything I want you to know -- because I'm telling you, and you already know it all. You've gotta know...

I don't think you really believe me. One time, you said I was different and that you saw the look in my eyes and you could tell that I really meant it. I thought you may have had it for a moment there, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe you do know and you just don't think you're worth it. Which is ridiculous...

I keep trying to make a list or describe why it is that I love you, but I fail miserably. Sure, I could list stupid things like you're funny or you're attractive or you're talented. But that's not it. Those things, though true they most definitely are, just aren't what makes up the "why". I'll be the first to admit that I don't know that much about you right now. I used to know plenty, but you're constantly changing. What I do know is that I so desperately want to know everything that can possibly be known about you. I want to be with you every step of the way so I can see you changing. I want to see that fire in your eyes...

What am I doing? What are we doing? You're about to leave. We never even talked about it, we just.. sort of picked up. Part of me kept yelling at me to stop and talk about it, but the other part (the part that obviously won) was begging me just to hold on for dear life to every second I had with you. I don't even know for sure where you stand on any of this. I wanna know...

Text you when I get home. Ha, OK. But wait... why should I? What do you care? Just sit there and wonder. You sit there and worry about me for a change. Take a little taste of what my life has been like since September. You know I cried like a baby every single night for more than a month and then after that anytime you came up in conversation I had to leave the room or just bawl in front of everyone. You know up until about a month ago I still wore your clothes to sleep in and held onto that teddy bear for dear life. I stopped for a few weeks then you came back and I backslid a bit. I'm wearing them now, how pathetic is that...

But I did text you and I told you I love you, because I do. And I don't want you to worry, I don't want to hurt you no matter how much I've worried and hurt. I wonder if it tears at every one's hearts like this. I wonder if it breaks them in pieces and yet still sends them straight back for more...

I love you.
I won't stop when you leave.

You'd better believe I'm coming to visit you whether you like it or not... "

So now here I am a grand 2 hours before I have to get up and shower before work again. I have that stupid "Don't you forget about me" song that was playing in your car stuck in my head. I can't believe you turned around. I didn't want you to see me like that. I figured you'd just assume I would and let it be. Whatever, can't go back. No regrets right? That's what you said earlier.

I should sleep now. I won't, really, but I'll pretend I'm relaxing at least.

Believing My Heart Was Strong Enough, But Now I'm Wondering

I didn't want to hurt you. It was not my intent to lie to you or use you in any way.

I really wish that I could take the last few months and wipe the slate clean. I was so confused, and I still am. I hate this so much!

I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm even more sorry that I caused it. Please forgive me...

I'm Under the Weather, Just Like the World

There is a fog over the Greater Birmingham area. It's been hanging around the past week or so. This morning I couldn't see two blocks ahead it was so low and thick. The other day, I came over Doug Baker Blvd and couldn't see the top of the mountain, it was eerie.

I'm so tired. I may have slept 4 hours in the last 48, 6 1/2 in the last 72. Yes, I've been busy with work and I pulled an all-nighter with some girlfriends Friday night, but it's a deeper problem than just being busy. I, like the city I live in, have a fog hanging low and thick. I can not see the next or the last moves and something in that makes me cringe to the deepest level and I just can't put my heart to rest.

Thankfully though, my body can't quite handle the level of restlesness that my heart has become accustomed to, and soon will crash whether I like it or not. Tyler's totally right, I do need a day off. Call it a mental health day -- sleep in till 9 in the afternoon (good song btw).



I bought a new dress today. It's soft and rusty orange colored and makes me feel like even more of a redhead. I see the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship. Ha... if my other dresses could talk... Gosh --I'm glad they can't. Oh me.

Now I'm just delirious. I'm going to post this before I decide on titling it something stupid.

His Dark Eyes Dared Me With Danger

I don't know what I want.

I feel like I'm a message in a bottle that keeps getting read and then sent back out to sea. Feels like they all know that the message isn't for them. I keep forgetting that part of the whole 'out at sea' thing is that I'm surrounded by water. Paper doesn't do well in water. Even so, I keep pushing the cork out and letting the sea wash in.

I wonder if they keep sending me back because all that's left is a blank page since the water's washed the message away.

What does it even matter...

I'll be floating around...

Elephant in the Room

If I can ignore it
And you can ignore it
Then let's just ignore it like it's not really there

They keep asking me
To tell them what is wrong
But I just nod my head at them
Like nothing's going on
Cuz if I look at them like they're crazy
And nothing's happening
The surely that means that maybe
Something's happening

But if I can ignore it
And you can ignore it
Then let's just ignore it like it's not really there
And if I keep pretending
And you keep pretening
We both can pretend that we don't really care

It's just an elephant in the room
No reason for alarm
It's just this feeling of imminent doom
Not causing any harm yet
So if I can ignore it
And you can ignore it
Then let's just ignore it like it's not really there

You keep asking me
What I'm waiting for
But I just nod my head at you
Like I don't really know
But if I look at you like you're crazy
And nothing's happening
Then surely that means that maybe
Something's happening

But if I can ignore it
And you can ignore it
Then let's just ignore it like it's not really there
And if I keep pretending
And you keep pretening
We both can pretend that we don't really care

It's just an elephant in the room
No reason for alarm
It's just this feeling of imminent doom
Not causing any harm yet
So if I can ignore it
And you can ignore it
Then let's just ignore it like it's not really there

Deep inside I know
That something's the matter
I run and hide, cause I know
That it really does matter

If I keep pushing down
What is really wrong
And I just nod my head at all
The chaos spinning round
And if I look at you like you're crazy
Let this keep happening
Then surely that means that maybe
It's all come to an end

If I just ignore it
And you just ignore it
We'll both keep ignoring what we know is still there
And if I keep pretending
And you keep pretending
Chances are we'll pretend that we don't really care

It's this big elephant in the room
And it's ringing the alarm
A great, big feeling of imminent doom
That's breaking both our hearts
But I've been ignoring
And you've been ignoring
We just can't keep ignoring...

Cause we know we both care
It's an elephant in the room with a silent death stare
And it's certainly there

Written Over A Year Ago

I was tired, but willing to keep trying. Check.
I was world weary, but determined to beat it. Check.
I wasn't in a relationship and I was set on not being in one till I was ready for the last one.Ok, so that one failed miserabley.

I'd do it again. In fact, chances are I probably will.

This year, no resolutions. I'm just going to keep living one day at a time. I'm going to keep reminding myself to breathe in and out. I'm not going to make promises I won't keep. I'm just going to let go and let God.

Let go of my ideas of what should be and let God direct what is.
Let go of my wants and let God places the desires in my heart.
Let go of my personal bubble of space and let God get all up in my business.

January 1st is a good a day as any to start, though I should have started long ago.
It's just time.