Little Red One

Cry Out To Me

2011-01-28T14:07:00.000-06:00

Lord I already knew you were sovereign
And I already knew you were King
Did you think maybe I had forgotten
To be ready to give everything
All my plans and my hopes for the future
And the way that I thought things should go
As I stumble around in this stupor
Seem like dreams that I'll have to forgo

Did I hear you call my name
"Love, why do you think that I have changed?"

"Cry out to me
Be still and believe
That I am a God who still
Does amazing things"

You are pouring me out like I'm water
And my bones they are all out of joint
Still I know that you call me a daughter
And in pain there is always a point
When my fears and my doubts flock around me
It is you who is cheering my soul
Though the drumming of chaos is pounding
It is you who remains in control

And I hear you call my my name
"Love, I am age to age the same"

"Cry out to me
Be Still and believe
That I am a God who still
Does amazing things"

Trust

2011-01-21T10:26:00.002-06:00

It's hard to tell people about you. There are so many variables. I wonder if they'll understand why I feel the things I feel. I wonder if they'll understand your importance, the reality of who you were, who you still are. I wonder if it will change the way they act around me or worse... that it won't.

I'm finding out more and more each day though that it is more difficult, more painful than I ever imagined, if I don't talk about you. Because no matter how short a time I was with you, you became a part of me in a way so much deeper than simply shared genes could have orchestrated.

I've been thinking alot about heaven since Sunday. Will we know each other up there? Will it even matter if we don't? It certainly feels like it will, but I say that in my human body, with a human heart that has human desires. I wonder if people I love that arrived as souls there before you are surrounding you and caring for you. I guess that's sort of silly... Who would need caring for in the presence of God? There is no danger for you in the light of His face, nothing to fear, no unmet needs.

Most of my wondering though revolves around the great desire to be with you. I want to know who you have become. I want to see your face, hold your hand, wrap my arms around you. But there are fears. Fears that when I'm there too there may be no memory of you. Fears that when we are face to face we won't even know it. Fears that my deep desire to be with you will not ever, in all eternity, be satisfied.

There are so many things I do not know. So many questions that can not be answered on this earth. But there are things I do know. Things like "God is good" and "God loves His children". Those are the things that are worth dwelling on. They carry with them no fears. So I'll stop trying to answer away my fears and trust in Him.

And I'm going to talk about you more. I'm not sure how or to who, maybe it'll be as simple as saying your name at first, but I'm going to try. You're too important not to exist.

The Title of This Entry Is Now "Susbstitutions" In Lieu of "Instead" -- Brought to You By Thesaurus.com

2010-11-23T11:55:00.004-06:00

It's dreary and gray outside and all I want to do is go sit in the rain. I want to feel the cold little droplets on my face and let them slowly soak into my hair. I'm probably being slightly dramatic, but I've only been sitting here for a few days and I already feel the cabin fever tapping me on the shoulder. It seems that most of the things I think about are things that are frustrating, things I can't do, weird things I never really used to want to do. Things like laundry and washing the dishes. Things like vacuuming and organizing the bookshelf. Weird things.

Then there's running. I would really like to go for a run. A long, hard, totally exhausting run in the woods, where all I can hear is my heart beating and leaves crunching under my weight. One that uses every last muscle and drains every last drop of energy and fight out of me so that at the end of it, I can sit underneath the shower and not think about anything at all.

I want to take my camera (the one that's been broken for months that I really want to get fixed) to the gardens and just go nuts with it. I want to people watch, bird watch, squirrel watch, lizard watch and wind watch. I want to lie on that wooden swing in the hidden little corner and look up at the leaves until I forget what time it is.

I want to go to the mall and try on clothes that fit in any store other than Motherhood. I want to bother the stew out of Brookstone employees while I try every single massage chair in the place. I want to linger in the Godive store till the nice redheaded lady starts offering samples of weird things like chocolate caramels with sea salt or truffles that smell like pumpkins.

But instead, I'm going to go heat up another bowl of spaghetti and watch and episode of Lie to Me on Hulu.com. After that I'll probably make a few thousand additions to my wishlists on modcloth.com and lulus.com. I might even go a little crazy and look up Daddy blogs in addition to reading the current posts on all my favorite Mommy blogs.

Watch out world.

Oh Modified Bed Rest... The Things You Make Me Not Do

2010-11-22T15:00:00.002-06:00

Friday night was just no good. We're at 30 weeks (that's 7-10 weeks way too early for those of you keeping track at home) and I started having contractions every few minutes. I say every few minutes but what I mean is I would have one and then 6 minutes later I'd have another and then 2 minutes later and then 17 minutes later and then one right on top of another... It all boiled down to having 8-10 in an hour which was enough to get us to labor and delivery at Brookwood Hospital.

I won't chronicle the whole thing but I will tell you that if they tell you the shot of Brethine (Terbutaline.. speed... whatever..) is going to feel like a bee sting and you've never had a bee sting... Bee stings are painful, wretched things. ((Speaking of wretched things -- Terb is definitely on that list. Joe told me yesterday he's going to refer to me as Tweaky while I'm on it. I'm ok with that, because that's exactly how I feel. However if anyone else were to call me that I just might go all "tweaky" and nobody wants to see that. Consider yourself warned.)) At 7 or 8 the next morning after successfully stopping the contractions they sent us home with a Rx for the oral version of bee sting crank (I'm only sort of kidding.), lots of fluids, and rest.

So now, while Joe, my sanity, is at work I'm sitting around being frustrated at the pile of laundry I dropped four times in an attempt to get to the washing machine. And I thought I was bad at housework before I became a twitchy mess of uncoordinated muscles and bones...

Clearly the best and most productive place to turn is the world of Mommy bloggers. There's something comforting in knowing that there are other people somewhat like me that are trusted with caring for itty bitty people. Even more so knowing that they're surviving and finding ways to laugh at life.

Clearly, since you are all extremely interested in my opinion, it's necessary for me to compile a list of my favorites. Ok, so maybe not so interested, but Tweaky's bored, so I'm doing it anyway.

LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES!

Things Pregnant Women Shouldn't Do

A Little Pregnant

It's just SOOO funny the way a two year old screams

Motherhood Uncensored

Show Mommy How A Jedi Eats

Probably the most precious thing I read all day long

Becoming Sarah

This one's just really friggin cute

It's coming isn't it...

Adventures in Mommyhood

Her rant on the book everyone told me not to read, but I read anyway

I agree on the pregnant liars thing....

The Mom Slant

Preach it.

Not a funny post, but an important one

Preemie Mama

Things I'm very glad didn't happen Friday night

Attack of the Redneck Mommy
I'm warning you -- this is not for the faint at heart, or anyone who doesn't appreciate laughing at really uncomfortable gross things --- but it's really, really hilarious

Ok... I think that's enough -- and my husband is home now and I want to go hold his hand in my tweaky one, so... happy reading :)

Wait She Will, Wait She Did

2010-10-02T00:04:00.003-05:00

It's been a long time since I've looked through my old lyrics and other scribblings. At least a good year since I've even opened up this laptop with it's jacked up LCD screen... I remember when I wrote so much that I couldn't even wait to get out of the car to start composing little poems and choruses. It's been a long, long time since I was that tuned into what was going on under the surface.
Then we all grew up and got busy....

I should start writing more. It helps me calm down the little tempests brewing underneath it all before things get so pressurized and I start to fall apart. It helps me keep those little things from building up so that when the big things come in from left field I'm not knocked on my feet. Sometimes it can even keep those big things from coming -- lets me see how really petty and selfish those little snowballing issues are before they become avalanches.

But before I go into all that - I think I'll call up some of those scribbles from way back when, reflect and see the road that's led to this current stage of the journey.

Wait She Will, Wait She Did

Fading, she prays for a dreamless sleep
Fainting, she’s tired of remembering
All those flashes of smiles that used to be
Not so faded pictures that look so happy
Songs that she can’t handle singing
Pain is all nostalgia’s bringing

And hasn’t she seen her share of pain
Does she have to go through this again
Last time it ended she took a leap
Into another worthless heap
A pile of lies, a cloud of vapor
No sweetness left for her to savor

This time she knows that’s not a choice
For now there speaks a small, firm voice
That this one, this different one
Is not one that can be simply gone
The waters of this love run deeply
And when it’s dry, will echo sweetly

This is where she was and where she remains
This is her passion, complete with her pain
Her heart, though fickle she’s been known to be,
Will not yield this day to misery
Unselfish love, steadfast will stand
And wait, she will, for her beloved’s hand

Watts and Watts

2010-08-30T13:40:00.003-05:00

What did the baby light bulb say to it's mommy? I wuv you watts and watts!!

Little One,

Tomorrow we find out what kind of baby you are. Well, I guess that's a silly way of putting it, because we won't know what kind of personality you'll have or what music you'll like or the things that will make you who you will be. We will, however, find out whether you'll be a girl or a boy.

Daddy thinks you're a boy. He's been sure of it since the beginning. I just haven't got a clue. For a little while I was sure you were a girl -mostly because I was just so sick and everything I read said that meant you were likely to be a little girl with lots of girlie hormones. But now, I just haven't got the slightest little idea of which one you are. I do know that I love you watts and watts no matter what color your wrist band is on the day I get to hold you.

I'm just so excited to find out!!!

Walk and Not Faint

2010-08-06T02:44:00.003-05:00

Have you not known? Have you not heard?The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

I never get tired of knowing that God has, does and will continue to provide for his children.
I never get tired of knowing that I'm one of them.

Sometimes, though, I get tired of reminding myself that the heartaches, discomforts, pains, and hurt of this world will actually be over someday. I tire of reminding my homesick heart that this is not a forever home.

But I will keep reminding myself and I will treasure the joys that God has provided. I'll hold them all dear and count them every chance I get and always remember that every good gift comes from above. My husband, our unborn child, our families, our friends, this apartment, our jobs... every little thing is from Him. Every heartbeat, every breath, every moment.

And I will never tire of telling the world how kind and great my God is. I will never tire of loving my Jesus.

FIrst Lullaby

2010-07-24T19:52:00.004-05:00

Baby so small,
Can you hear your mama sing
To you

Feels like years, my child,
Till I finally get to see
And hold you

Do you know how much I already love you,
And how your handsome daddy just adores you, too
And we don't even know if your wristband's pink or blue

Baby so sweet,
Can you see your Maker's face
Is that where you are

Deep in secret
Wonderfully and fearfully being made
Close to His heart

Do you know before your precious eyes see light,
All your days are written in His book of life.
You are His own and in you he takes delight.

Baby so small,
Can you hear your mama's song
In your little ears

Let the music
Sway your little heart to sleep
And quiet your fears

Thanks for the Inspiration June

2010-07-23T16:35:00.002-05:00

Today I wore the apron Joe bought for me on our honeymoon in the Smokey Mountains. I felt very much like a little girl playing house with her mom's kitchen things at first, but then I began to grow into it all and understand that these tools are all mine to wield. I can hardly wait for dinner - mostly though I'm waiting to see his face when he walks in the door and smells it.

I thought it might be fun to let you in on the recipe I used for Banana Nut Bread. I haven't tasted this yet but it smells absolutely incredible.

Cook Time: 1 hour, 15 minutes
Total Time: 1 hour, 20 minutes
Ingredients:

* 1/2 cup butter or margarine
* 1 cup sugar
* 2 eggs
* 1/8 teaspoon salt
* 1 teaspoon soda
* 2 cups flour
* 3 large bananas, very ripe, mashed
* 1/2 cup finely chopped pecans

Preparation:
Cream together butter and sugar. Add eggs, one at a time, beating after each addition. Sift dry ingredients together; add to creamed mixture. Stir in bananas and chopped pecans.

Pour banana nut bread batter into 2 well-greased loaf pans; bake at 325° for about 1 hour and 15 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Yields 1 loaf.

Enjoy!

"I saw Davey Jones underneath the water..."

2010-06-07T09:59:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I just feel like getting lost in a song with some beautiful melody and forgetting how much it hurts. That's when I need someone like Gordie Sampson to sing "Davey Jones" so I can dissolve into the "Sha la la la la"s and sink into the piano solo.

Today, "Davey Jones" is on repeat.

I wonder if any of them know how hurtful they've been. It's not a small thing to ignore someones existence as if they'll disappear from your life if you hope hard enough. It's a wound that just gets deeper and deeper with every hateful glare and missed opportunity.

I don't understand how she was brought in with open arms and I've been treated like a leper. Am I really that horrible to live with? Is it that painful to see me with him? What did I do that was so terrible?

Last night I was angry and hurt and sad because of it. This morning I'm mostly just angry. I don't know how they can claim to be the people they are and turn around and treat someone who's supposed to be their sister in Christ this way. Forget that -- I don't know how they can treat anyone that way.

I'm done just dealing. I'm not going anywhere and it's about time they grow up and accept it.

Coming of Age

2010-06-04T10:18:00.003-05:00

It's my birthday and I shouldn't be as ticked off as I am right now. As of this moment the only productive thing I can think of doing to flush that attitude from my system before I go to work is blog.

Some people have no concept of boundaries. They think and act as if there is nothing they can not say, nothing they can not ask, no lines they can not cross. They say whatever pops through their head without regard to the hearts they may hurt and the wounds they inflict.

I'm just about done with these people.
I really, really am.

I have plenty of hurt in my life already, and plenty hurt on it's way and I just don't need this. I don't have to put up with it.

They certainly wouldn't. And God forbid you say anything to them about it. How dare you cross their lines? How dare you say what you really think? That's their territory, their sacred ground.

Well I don't buy it. I don't have to play by their rules and I'm done dealing quietly with the hurts they've inflicted.

It's about time I stand up for myself.

Thomas Rivers -- Not In Vain

2010-05-06T17:15:00.002-05:00

My mind is running on high speed right now about anything and everything because I'm trying not to "What If" myself into oblivion wondering about the results of my MRI this morning. For all my friends and relatives who read that and start freaking out -- Stop... it's probably nothing but a concussion or a bad migraine or something and I'll be letting you know as soon as I know what it's all about. So none of that worrying or spazzing about things we can't control ok? OK. Moving on.

Though I didn't know Thomas well at all, I have several friends who were very close to him. I keep those friends, as well as his family members, in my prayers. I know that God will comfort His own.

The funeral is tomorrow at Briarwood and a group called Westboro Baptist (I can't bring myself to call them a church, but that's what they claim to be) is coming to protest nearby. Here's a link to an image of their press release. It breaks my heart for his family, but also for the members of this church who have been led so far from the truth and for those who see their message and are turned farther from it themselves.

I think some people are getting together to try and block their protest in some way, though I won't be able to be among their ranks. Here's some more info on that.

I pray that the Lord will comfort the hearts of the Thomas family and quiet the voices of those who seek to make the hurtful, untruthful claims about the death of a young man who should be remembered as the honorable and brave soldier he was.

The Window

2010-05-05T12:27:00.002-05:00

It's like I'm looking in a mirror,
Staring out this window
At where I'm supposed to be,
What's really meant for me.
I get lost in all the colors
And beauty that seems so close,
And I forget to breathe.

But every time I try and turn around
Try and walk across that ground
I only see that I am...

Bound by these walls
That I couldn't see before.
I have found that this room
Doesn't have an open door,
And the only way I'll ever get home
Is opening the window.

It's like I'm waiting for a doctor
Or a nurse that's supposed to tell me
This sickness that's within,
Is much better than it's been.
But the symptoms just keep looming,
And that end we fear is coming,
Just comes down to how and when.

And I'm just trying to calm down
Just blocking out the sounds
When I see that I am...

Bound by these walls
That I couldn't see before.
I have found that this room
Doesn't have an open door,
And the only way I'll ever get home
Is opening the window.

Just past the windowpane is a place with no more tears
And just over that sill there's a land without fear
The beauty through the frame is caught in the mirror
A reflection of the joy that is to come
And it seems so long until I'll be home

I am bound by these walls
That I couldn't see before.
I have found that this room
Doesn't have an open door,
And the only way I'll ever get home
Is if He opens the window

So Lord, open up that window

One More Time, With Feeling

2010-04-02T14:54:00.001-05:00

Let's assume that someone who is good will not throw someone they love under a bus.

God is in control.God is good, God loves me & I know that is truth.I am not in control. I am not good, I am redeemed. God can do all things, and God does do all things well. Even when I am overwhelmed. That, is also truth. Truth that I have heard, seen, felt and even been a part of.

In light of this truth I will not fear. In light of this truth I will not pretend that I have any power or ability to "fix" this, or any, situation or person. In light of this truth I will trust that God, who is good, will not throw me under the bus.

And I will walk in this light.

From Burritos to The Original Chicken Sandwich & All the 2nd Miles Inbetween

2010-03-30T19:49:00.007-05:00

Shortly after I turned 16 I started my first job, in the food industry that is, at Moe's Southwest Grill. Even though I have always been quite the Pollyanna Optimist, finding the good in almost everything, I really expected to dislike most of my experience there. You hear horror stories from your parents, siblings and friends about how awful customers are and how you'll never eat another meal in a restaurant - you expect to walk out of your first day with tears streaming down your face shaking at the thought of it all.

Much to my surprise though, I liked it. Scratch that -- I loved it. I loved the fast pace, the people, the atmosphere - -I even sort of liked the smell of burritos when I drove (or was driven I guess) home. It was fun and even though a few customers were rude and it was really hard work, I really enjoyed it. My sister, Miriam, came to work there as well and I'll never forget hearing her say to Mickey (one of the owners), when he asked why we didn't complain and why we worked so hard, that she thought "If something's worth doing, it's worth doing well". I agreed with her wholeheartedly and before too long I was promoted to a shift manager position, counting money and leading the crew just shy of 40 hours a week. I'm sure that moment wasn't where my belief in a godly work ethic first began -- but it's the point I remember.

Since then I've worked in several other branches of the food service industry in various positions including but not limited to waiting tables, sweeping peanuts off the floor, lifting 12 hams per customer to a counter for inspection, flipping burgers, counting down cashier shifts, making late night bank drops, making cupcakes and other fun desserts, and God knows what else. I've been everything from a nobody to an Assistant Manager in casual dining, fast food, delicatessen, bakery, and now -- ChickFilA (Inverness FSU, on Hwy 280), which I consider a whole different animal altogether.

Sitting here and remembering the complaints I've heard and the horror stories I had quivered at almost 4 years ago, it's kind of nuts that I still love this kind of job. Don't get me wrong, the stories are all true. Jaded waiters really do spit in your food if you're too difficult for them to handle that day, some burger flippers really go straight from the bathroom to the grill with no handwash stop, and when you serve particularly rude customers one by one, over and over -- some days you really do want to snap and go all Leon: The Professional on them. But I love this kind of job, particularly at ChickFilA, and I'll tell you why.

Everyone gets hungry. Everyone needs food to survive. Most people eat around 3 times every day. We live in America, which means everyone wants someone else to cook their food and serve it quicker than they could do it at home and most of those people appreciate good service - the friendlier the better. Which means that everyday, three times a day, someone nearby is looking for good food, fast, and friendly (2nd Mile, if you will) service.

Each time a guest walks in the door I'm given the opportunity to give them something they want, and maybe even more than that- maybe something they really need. Maybe they're flustered and hungry and frenzied from their day and all they want is something to fill their stomach but they don't know what, and I can get them some food, but I can give them something better too. Maybe they've got three kids in tow and they're exhausted. Maybe they're bored, maybe they're hyper, maybe they're upset. I can help them find the perfect menu items and get it to them fast, I can distract their kids while they gather their thoughts and help them get 3 trays of kids meals and drinks to the table. I can offer entertainment, conversation, empathy, and a smile -- all while standing behind great food and another product I can be proud of -- service. I get to make someone's day about a hundred times a day, and that feels great.

One thing I've learned at ChickFilA is that they're not what they may seem at first glance. We're not just another fast food restaurant. Sure we sell chicken and we serve it quickly, but really we're in the people business. It's all about your experience with us. Were we kind, were we friendly, were we helpful, were we informative, were we accurate? We've even adjusted our vocabulary. We not taking your order, we're serving you. We're not getting you a refill, we're refreshing your beverage. You're not eating here, you're dining with us. It's marvelous to see what little phrases and just the slightest attitude adjustment can do to the atmosphere.

Anything worth doing is worth doing well and at ChickFilA, we do it very well.

While ChickFilA is a fantastic place to work, no matter where I've worked I've used that phrase to keep me sharp, but I add a little something to it for those days you just aren't feeling it and the days you're not sure it's worth doing. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well, and everything (worth doing or not) should be done as unto the Lord. So I'm including the verses below that I've kept in mind over the years. I hope they can help you grasp more firmly the joy and benefits of a godly work ethic.

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.
~Ecclesiastes 9:10

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
1 Corinthians 15:58

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.
Philippians 2:14-16

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 3:17

Redheads and Their Lists

2010-03-30T01:31:00.005-05:00

Today was a very good day. I don't have one reason as it why. I have 25, and as my very observant and handsome fiance pointed out to me today, I'm a redhead... And redheads make lists. So here are my 25 reasons why today was so grand. (In no particular order of course, redheads don't do that kind of list -- we have a hard time ranking favorites, just ask Kaylor.)

My semi quiet time today was more refreshing than usual
The sun was shining in all it's splendor
The temperature was lovely
There was really good music on standard FM radio
My car smells like a cupcake because of the Yankee Candle freshener Joe gave me like a month ago
My hair wasn't difficult to deal with
Neither was my skin
I thought I had to work at 11, but didn't have to till 2 -- so I got to enjoy my day.
When I did get to work, a dashing young man smiled at me
That young man is my fiance, which means I get to marry him. =^D
Joseph was in good spirits this afternoon, all aflutter about goals and possibilities
I found out the puppy at the humane society that we worried about is getting adopted by a family with a four year old
My socks match
I tripped at work, and didn't die
Jeffie saved me the three best strawberries from today's batch. She takes good care of me.
I found out that Train has a new album
I had an awesome song stuck in my head all day long, and it wasn't annoying -- That song played on my drive home
I clocked out a minute earlier than expected, because I finished quicker than I thought I would
Blake was at work tonight, which is always a reason to have a good day. We high-fived and it was epic
I got to work with Emily Capra again. Today was her third day and she's awesome at her job
I also got to work with Amy Miller who I never get to work with. I look forward to working with her on Saturday as well.
I get off at 6 on Saturday so I get to go to KAYLOR'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!! WOOOO!!!
A 4 year old little girl named Olivia said "I know you! You're Annabelle!" when I was wiping tables. She also remembered that we share an interest in The Little Mermaid and Good Luck Bear
I witnessed an awkward situation that gave me another reason to laugh at the Hoover PD
I went to WalMart with Joseph when I got off work, and we made a list. Lists are nice.

Premarital Counseling and Other Prepatation for Mediocrity

2010-03-28T12:48:00.004-05:00

I'm really sure they mean well. In fact I know that in their hearts they wanted and still want us to live a full, happy life together that pleases God.

They really just don't get it.

I'm sure that part of my frustration with the curriculum and the manner in which it was presented is due to my youthful inexperience and optimistic naivety. I want whoever may read this to understand I have no claims to be any authority on how a marriage should or will work or that I think I know exactly what my life as a married woman will be like. I understand that everyone who is young and in love probably thinks they wrote the book on it and that they're the first ones who ever really got it right. I totally get that almost no one goes into a marriage without hoping that it'll be perfect and they'll always be happy and their spouse will smell like roses and there will be birds chirping.. you know all, that Disney butterfly and rainbow bologna.

But they still just don't get it.

It's not that I think we shouldn't have done it or that it was even a waste of time. I feel like we grew closer together and that we learned a lot about each other and our differences. We even found a few more things we have in common. (Though I feel much of this happened because of our opposition to the rest of the curriculum). I'll even show you something I learned to prove that I really did try to understand the benefits they were sure would sprout from these fun little worksheets and pie charts. It will be difficult because there aren't two of me, but use your imagination.

This is called Assertiveness and Active Listening. You're supposed to talk like this so that everyone is heard and understood when you disagree. It's very, very practical and I'm sure we'll remember to utilize this valuable tool in our Marriage Arsenal. Here goes!

I feel like this is an exorbitant waste of time and energy, because - while we could actually be having a conversation here and getting to the root of an issue - we're just swallowing a sentence and regurgitating it in a similar yet slightly different phrase.

(imagination time - I'm a different speaker now)
So what I'm hearing you say, is that you feel like acting as trained parrots and repeating the previous statement isn't helping us communicate, but rather hindering our further understanding each other and our true feelings.

(ok, I'm me again)
Yes, that is what I said. Would you now like to express yourself in an assertive, but not militant or violent, statement that I may then toss back to you?

(switch)
Yes -- Thank you for your consideration, I do wish to exchange in tossing crap back and forth -- like the monkeys at the zoo.

See what I mean? It's just so silly, scripted and completely unnecessary. I understand the value in expressing your opinion and stating your feelings as opposed to hiding them to keep the peace, and I understand the need to make sure what you think you heard is what your partner thinks they said, but this parroting is just... too much.

Don't even get me started on the ten step plan for fights(I'm sure they had a better title). I felt like I was being trained for a life long battle, not a God honoring union. The entire curriculum was a damage control plan for when your marriage becomes mediocre and painfully unhealthy, whereas I feel it may have been a better use of our time to see how we can go about setting us up for success... not preparing for sure failure.

All that said - I'm glad we survived and came out the other end closer and better prepared (if not by design, at least by God's providence) through the whole experience.

And that's all I need to say about that.

I'm Really Bad at Self Deprecation So Most of the Time I Fail at It

2010-03-28T12:20:00.005-05:00

I sit down to write these days and all I see is an empty text field that taunts me. It says things like 'Where have you been? What happened to all those mini blogs you had rough drafts of in the recesses of your mind? Not so talkative now are you?' and worst of all 'Really? In one of the most interesting, beautiful moments of your life... you can't scramble a few paragraphs of reflection and thought, or even sheer documentation?'.

It's maddening really, so don't think I haven't considered creating animations of self destructing "Create Post" pages for kicks, giggles and satisfaction.

But I've decided that today I won't let my slightly psychotic paranoia and self bullying bother me so much that I click the red box with the white "x" at the top right hand corner of the window and go about my day feeling bad about myself. So prepare for the next few posts where you'll find more than a few thoughts on a few more than a few recent happenings and whimsies.

Wish me luck on the writer's block and happy potentially painfully uninspired reading.

People With Pasts

2010-02-14T00:27:00.002-06:00

A dear friend of mine posted a blog talking about unwanted reminders of a situation in which he was betrayed by someone who should have loved him. This started as just a quick comment to encourage him -- it kept growing, as most things I start writing do, and it became evident that what I was sharing with Brock was simply, finally, a better explaination of what God has been showing me lately.

So here's the comment:
-----

Oh Brock...I know that hurts. I know reminders of that hurt can sometimes sting more because it just opens up a wound. I know I can't feel that particular brand of pain because I haven't walked that path -- but I certainly know what betrayal feels like.

We're like puppies that grew up with a good master, one that gave them treats and taught them how to sit. But one day the master isn't good anymore and he kicks you. And from that day on -- even if you get a great master -- every time you see that boot you feel the healing broken bones crack beneath your muscles and skin all over again. And it hurts.

That's how I feel alot of the time in my strange and somehow developing (in the simplest way)relationship with my dad. It's difficult talking to him because I involuntarily feel the bruises and brokenness before I have the opportunity to enjoy the glimmer of hope.

Worse than those times are the times I remember the sins and horrid acts of my past. When a guy I dated shows up at work, or an estranged friend walks past me at WalMart or I smell certain wafts of dingy air... I remember all the things I did that hurt my family, friends, fiance but ultimately God. I can feel the self-inflicted scars start to bleed again in my heart and see the looks on their faces. And it hurts.

But the beautiful thing about unwanted reminders is the opportunity that always follows.
In the same moment that you remember your painful past there's the reminder that God pulled you through all that to this moment. This moment where He is reminding you that you just can not make it on your own - you couldn't then, you can't now, you won't later.

In an unwanted reminder He can show you exactly why you walk past that picture, run into that old friend, or smell that all too familiar grief.Because you need Him desperately. You are small and wounded by people who fail you. You are frail and unwise and you fail Him daily. But He's there.

Be strong and courageous, Brock. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord, your God, is with you wherever you go.
-----

So I have this past. In this past are some good things, happy memories, fun stories and precious few accomplishments. With the good comes lots of bad though. Things like a broken home, not much money, broken hearts, wounds, mistakes -- a whole lot of sin. And that's just the stuff one the outside -- I don't dare sit and sort through all the sin on the inside of me. I've done, said,and thought alot of awful things. There are thousands of things that I should have done but didn't. Not to mention all the things I did, but went about it in the wrong fashion. I've hurt many people, I've hurt myself, I've hurt my God.
I like to think sometimes that I'm done with all that. That now I've turned from all that hurt and all that sin and now I just won't have to deal with it anymore because I'm doing alright now which clearly means I'll be doing fine forever in all those departments...

Let me take this moment to declare that thought an enormous lie.

Because not only will I still get to remember those things, but I probably add ten more every second that I'm still breathing here. This is not where I should lose hope though. In the words of Mark Hall of Casting Crowns - "Your past isn't haunting God, so why is it haunting you?!"

Christ payed much too high a price for my sins to be taken away from me for me or anyone else to still be hung up on them. Jesus died for my past. It's a sobering thing, but it's a beautiful realization that I am free. I am free from those burdens, wounds, and weights. I not only don't have to carry them but I can't - because they're gone.

In light of His sacrifice and a cross lifted off my shoulders, when I remember my past or am reminded of it's weight, I shouldn't sulk, or feel that hurt - No! I should rejoice in the power and love of my God who brought me out of it. In light of my rescue, I should not feel guilt or lingering pain, I should (because now I can ) soar on the wings of eagles in His world and His wonderous will for my life.

We all share the common weight of pasts. We all share the presence of crap in those pasts. I pray that you know the Savior I know, and the freedom He brings to people with pasts.

Late Night Blog Reading

2010-02-12T02:41:00.000-06:00

So I can't sleep because I had a bad runny nose and took Sudafed instead of Benedryl -- Dumb move I know. But I've been poking around on ChickfFilA related sites and stumbled upon this great blog from Dan Cathy. Hope you guys enjoy it and that it spurs you on to a wonderful Friday and an excitement for your Monday morning. =^D

---Found at dantcathy.com--
--------
It’s time to KO, TGIF
You see it on posters. It’s printed on coffee mugs. There’s even a restaurant that uses it as its name. But despite how often it pops up, it’s still one of the most subtly damaging ideas for your company and even your family. What is it?

“Thank God It’s Friday!”

Yes it’s playful and on some levels, just a silly phrase to say amongst coworkers on a Friday morning as the weekend sneaks into view. The problem though is all the ideas that ride on the coattails of that phrase. Because here’s what we really say when we say, “Thank God It’s Friday:”

•“I don’t like my job.”
•“My job is just something I have to do until I get to do the things I want to do on the weekend.”
•“Work is a chore and not fun and not enjoyable.”
Those are just three examples of what the TGIF phrase means in our jobs. There are hundreds of others. But what about our families? I mentioned it can impact us at home too. How so? Simple, little kids are little sponges. When they see you grumble on a Sunday night about not wanting to go to work, when they hear you complain on a Wednesday morning that you wish it was Friday already, they form a negative opinion of work. Work is unpleasant. Work is at best a necessary evil. Work is suffering.

They take that thought, they take those seeds you’ve planted and grow up learning to dislike work. They inherit the bad attitude and have a harder time seeing the joy and gratitude you can find in a job well done.

So what should we do?

I think it’s time to introduce a new phrase into our jobs and our families. I think it’s time for us all to remember the attitude Christ had when in John 17:4 he prayed, “I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do.” I think it’s time for an attitude of gratitude.

It’s time for TGIM, “Thank God It’s Monday.”

Let’s head to work happy. Let’s find jobs and careers that challenge and grow us. Let’s not pretend the weekends aren’t fun, but let’s not assume you can’t have fun during the week too. Let’s show our coworkers and our employees, our spouses and our children, that work can be a blast. That you can look forward to a Monday. That at the end of the weekend, you can even grab a coffee mug that says “TGIM” and say with all sincerity,

“Thank God It’s Monday!”

Not Mine At All (hey look! I'm writing music again!!! Yay!!!)

2010-02-08T11:55:00.001-06:00

Our love began in wintery weather
Driving through the falling snow
You're a man no matter whether
Or not they tell you so

Your heart's on fire
Whenever you hear the call
You're only mine, all mine
Cuz you're not mine at all

You've got a way of making me see
All the things I should have seen
And in your arms I've got a habit
Of being all that I should be

My heart's on fire
Whenever I hear the call
You say "You're mine, all mine,
Cuz you're not mine at all"

Our love's the kind of contradiction
That this world can't understand
So even if it causes friction
I'm still gonna hold your hand

Our hearts are on fire
Whenever we hear the call
We say "You're mine, all mine
Cuz you're not mine at all"

You're only mine, all mine
Cuz you're not mine at all

Let's Get Married and Not Talk Sometimes

2010-01-28T16:14:00.003-06:00

There's something beautiful about a comfortable silence. Sure we sit and talk for hours about everything and nothing and all the inbetweens but this right now is a tangible symbol of our ease with each other. You're over there all sleepy and I'm over here all awake and typing and it's just so perfectly cozy.

I could live like this for a long time -- Both of us working hard and striving towards excellence, spending off days just enjoying each other and the time God has given us.

I love that we have so many of the same ideas about how we should work -- that no matter where you are you have a calling to be God's instrument and let him use you. I love that we're passionate about being all there and being the best that we can be for God. I love that you have all these wonderful dreams about moving up in the company,but more than that I love that you desire greatly to have an impact on everyone you come in contact with. I love that you have designed your life towards being a faithful steward of all that God has blessed and entrusted you with.

I'm glad that of all the possible places God could have taken me that He's placed me in your life. I never thought it possible that any man could love me like this, but you do. You take great care in taking care of me -- even when I resist it. I haven't been used to that sort of love, but I'm becoming accustomed to it. You're so very thoughtful, so very kind, so precious to me. You're one of a kind and I'm so blessed to be the one you love, the one who gets to love you.

This is getting sappier by the second. Whatever, I don't care -- I want the whole world to see and know how wonderful you are and how much I adore you. I can hardly wait to be your wife and have all sorts of comfortable silences like this one. I look forward to the chatter and conversations as well, but for the moment this serene peace is nice.

Purpose

2010-01-23T19:46:00.000-06:00

pur⋅pose (as defined by dictionary.com)
–noun
1. the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.
2. an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal.

Q. 1. What is the chief end of man?
A. Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever

Q. 2. What rule hath God given to direct us how we may glorify and enjoy him?
A. The Word of God, which is contained in the Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments, is the only rule to direct us how we may glorify and enjoy him.

I haven't been to school. I don't have any plans to go to school anytime soon. I'm certainly not following the path that a large portion of this world seems to think is required for well adjusted adults. People will look down on me and say I'm not worthy of their time because I never jumped through the hoops they decided I needed to because someone decided they needed to when they were in my position.

But ya know what? That doesn't really matter. Because while you may think I have no purpose, I know I've been given quite an extraordinary one. My purpose is to glorify God wherever He puts me whatever that means. If that means working at a restaurant doing whatever it takes to get things done and bills paid -- then I'll do it to the best of my abilities. If it means going to school and earning a degree -- then I'll do that to the best of my abilities. But regardless, my job, my purpose, is to do whatever God sets before me for His glory.

So I know the "what", the question now is nothing more than how? How should I glorify God in my life? What exactly is it that He requires of me? Where can I find the plan that's laid out? According to the Shorter Catechism Question 2 -- the only rule for this is God's Word. The best way to lay out the specifics is in the 10 Commandments which can be encapsulated in these two statements:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.
&
Love your neighbor as yourself.

Read through that one more time. Can you point out to me the place where it says "Thou shalt be a doctor or a lawyer" or even "Thou shalt obtain a degree from an Accredited University", because I think I missed that part. While yes, education is a valuable thing and it can be quite difficult to find work or build a career without one from a respected college -- it's not one of the things that God requires. He doesn't require that we have a job that makes us lots of money or gives us a high place in the social order. He doesn't ask that we have a big fancy house or designer clothes. All He requires is that we love Him and that we love our neighbors. In Micah it tells us we should do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly before Him.

So it doesn't really matter what the world tells us. They can set up their hoops and chart out their courses till they're blue in the face. It's not my purpose to make the world happy. It's not purpose to succeed by their standards. It's my purpose to glorify God and there's no set route to that end.

His possibilities are endless.

When I Am Afraid, I Will Trust...

2010-01-15T01:29:00.005-06:00

Steve Green's playing in my head. It's a good thing too...

Click the link and listen here...

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you, I will trust in you, I will trust in you.
When I am afraid I will trust in you, in God whose word I praise.
In God I trust, when I am afraid. In God I trust, in God whose word I praise "

'When I am afraid,
I will trust in you.

In God, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
What can mortal man do to me?'

~Psalm 56:3-4

Bras, Bras, Bras and More Bras (You've GOT To Be Kidding Me)

2010-01-11T13:39:00.000-06:00

I haven't felt so passionately about a subject in quite sometime. The funny thing is that I'm not even passionate about the whole bra color thing-- I'm done with that. It's interesting though, because the people who were so ticked about the whole thing are the people who continue to mention the campaign in their statuses and comments. If you were so offended and felt the mention of "underpinnings" so inappropriate, why did you then play the part of publicist for it. I'd go so far as to say that all the uproar about men being offended and tempted by the mention of bra colors tempted them more than the simple statuses that started the whole thing (phrases such as "if you'd post it here why not just walk up and flash someone" -- you don't think that image did more in the brain than the words "pink, black, blue or red"?)

I've heard the argument that it was all meaningless and no one once thought about breast cancer -- just talk to the people who actually read my previous note (understanding the the whole and CLEARLY stated purpose that the method was inappropriate but hey let's talk about something productive please) or maybe the men (you know the ones that were so affected by the vastly inappropriate colors) who I spoke with that forwarded information to their mothers, sisters and friends on the subject. The only people who didn't think about the cause it supported were those too busy having their own hypersensitive, self righteous ideas of what's "shockingly insensitive" and "extremely distasteful" rocked.

How low is your opinion of the men in your life? So low that they are so incapacitated by raging hormones that they can't help but imagine grotesque and pornographic images at the very mention of particular articles of clothing seldom involved in related thoughts? So low that you feel the need to go before them in a seek and destroy mission against well meaning women who MUST be after your man and any other that may fall before him? What happened to the man who guarded his own thought life? What happened to the man who could be trusted to walk down a street by himself and not hop into a car with a prostitute or imagine himself in torrid encounters with the woman walking past? I hate the attitude that "that's how men are". As if being born with a sin nature makes you incapable of fleeing temptation.

While I understand the need to hold Christians to a higher standard - I feel that many of the women in such a tizzy over all this are holding the women involved to a higher standard than they are holding themselves. I'll continue on this in another way in a moment, but the thing that just really cooked my goose on this is how harshly everyone has responded. I felt personally attacked by several individuals who commented both publicly and privately on my involvement - nevermind that the things I said agreed with their thoughts of inappropriateness and simply tried to bring the whole thing back to something good. While there were some who sought to understand what I had to say while also attempting to keep me accountable, the majority of folks saw only that I mentioned the campaign and reprimanded me in haste and without love. Where is Christ in that?

Continuing what I said earlier-- How many times do you set yourself (and the man you're so concerned for) in front of a television set that is flowing with sexual innuendo and images of women wearing nothing but the "unmentionables" if that? Do you run through your newspaper ripping up the advertisements for undergarments(or other articles of clothing for that matter), tampons, makeup and any other item for sale that paint women in any light other than an asexual, curveless, human being? When you dress yourself, do you throw on a burka or layer upon layer of clothing to guard any man you come in contact with from the possible thoughts that may run through his mind about you?

The fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter all that much what you wear, honey. While, yes women are called to dress modestly -- don't kid yourselves. My fiance and I were talking about the matter and he made the point that a girl could be wearing a tent and a man would still be capable of having impure thoughts about her body. This is a deep heart and mind issue for men that isn't so easily dealt with as some people seem to think. It cheapens the struggles and efforts of men who have dealt with addictions to pornography and with Christ come out the other side to say that all that had to change was what the women around them wore and said. Even if everything from the top of their head to the bottom of their feet was covered and shapeless a man with such struggles would still have to fight the imagination of the unseen. While that's not a free ticket to go all exhibitionist on the world -- just keep in mind the blame can't be shifted to one side or the other. We're ALL sinful on this earth.

That's it, that's all and if you felt I was trying to tease anyone with all my mentions of bras, underwear and breast cancer in this or any other post -- then you should have stopped reading. If you feel like I'm so provocative with my words, dress, or mannerisms - then avoid, de-friend or shun me as you see fit. Otherwise -- thanks for reading.

Light Green

2010-01-07T21:37:00.002-06:00

So when I signed on to Facebook today I was seriously confused. Almost all my friends had changed their status to some color, assortment of colors, or pattern with little to no explanation. So I took the obvious course of action and did what any good little blogger would -- I "Googled" it and came up with this from cancerspot.org :

Wondering what the meaning of those “Black,” “Blue” and “Pink” Facebook status updates are? I was confused all morning, figured I’d sort it out sooner or later, and then I broke down and did some Google work. Found out the hues represent bra colors. So, like every good Facebooker, I played along by peeking in my shirt and updating my status: Beige.

What I turned up on the Internet is that the purpose of this color thing is to simply raise awareness of breast cancer. Not sure how it all got started, but here’s what you should do if you’re a girl (or boy who wears a bra): Look at your bra, note the color, type it in your FB status bar, then feel those boobies. Just re-updated my status after my “beige” remark and wrote this:

So, while you’re peeking inside your shirt to see what color bra you are wearing so you can post it in your status update, go ahead and feel around in there, make sure there are no lumps. And if there are, call your doc for a clinical exam!

Are you game? Hope so.

Some have voiced annoyances and frustrations with the trend saying that it serves no purpose or that it's simply contributing to the massive amount of needlessly shared information on the web. While they have a point, here's my idea about it:

This may have been started by a few girls who wanna confuse their guy friends in the name of a cause, but it can definitely be redeemed.
Since I was in middle school I've been a part of the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. In the last couple of years I've had the opportunity to serve as a Team Captain helping fundraising efforts and organizing small parts of the race. Part of the whole process includes a great deal of education on the subject of breast cancer, self examination, and early detection. For those interested I'll include a link to their website where you can learn more ( ww5.komen.org/ ). You hear about "breast cancer awareness" almost all day everyday from a lot of folks, whether it's pink ribbons on your WalMart greeter's vest or pink aluminum lids on your YoPlait.

It's easy just to wear pink and eat yogurt or post your bra color in the name of awareness and feel good about yourself. Don't get me wrong this isn't to say that awareness isn't a good thing, because it certainly is. The more people that know the risks the better prepared we can be. But with all awareness programs, the information isn't enough -- you've got to do something with that knowledge.

Let me put it this way - If you know you're more likely to contract gingivitis if you don't brush and floss and go to regular dentist check-ups and cleanings but decide to just wear an aquafresh-esque ribbon on your purse or a smiley face barrette in your hair instead, you're still prone to the disease. So all this information about breast cancer is great, really great. But if you don't heed the warnings you're still leaving yourself very vulnerable. Proactive is the state of mind I'm shooting for here.

So check yourself out ( ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/InteractiveTools.html), get your girlfriends to check themselves out. If you're over 40, schedule a mammogram this year and every year after that. Keep yourself informed and keep watching for early signs, because while there's still no way to prevent breast cancer your best protection against it is early detection.

And if you feel so inclined to post your bra color on the web -- at least say why....

Together We Fill Gaps

2010-01-05T17:29:00.001-06:00

Paulie: [talking about Adrian] You like her?
Rocky: Sure, I like her.
Paulie: What's the attraction?
Rocky: I dunno... she fills gaps.
Paulie: What's 'gaps'?
Rocky: I dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.

Best scene in Rocky... Best scene.

I like the idea that what I'm supposed to do is come along side someone and fill gaps. That's not to say that I can complete them, because I certainly can't -- but it is to say that God created us, as women, to be helpers for our husbands. Whether that means cooking dinner, raising children, or balancing the checkbook. I'm excited about that. I look forward to being able to aid him as he finishes school and work with him towards goals at work. I wanna see those dreams come to fruition and help in forming the next ones.

We both have failings, that much is certain. There are all sorts of little gaps in our personalities and our pasts. Something we've both noticed is how well suited each of us is to push the other to what is right. We help each other wrap our heads around difficult situations and talk through frustrations.

Last night, you asked me when I became the strong one. I told you I've never been strong and neither have you. "How true" is what you said. And I think that's the key. We both realize (at least now) that it's not us, we've never been good at this. It's Christ in us that holds us up and pulls us through.

You can't save me, I can't save you, but together with Christ, we fill gaps.

Two Cents

2010-01-03T17:33:00.002-06:00

Everyone will always have an opinion. This is something I'm going to have to get used to. There will always be someone who disagrees with my opinion, no matter what the matter of interest may be. This is also something I'm going to have to get used to.

I'm not sure why it is so difficult to deal with these facts. I suppose it may stem from growing up in the Bible Belt. While certainly there has always been a variety of opinions floating around about a vast assortment of subjects, there was always a general feeling of sameness that covered it all. And let's face it, we Southern women have a tendency to agree to your face and disagree in your absence. It's a cycle of fake nice and smoke screens that's become a way of life and an ever present reality.

Maybe that's why I'm not quite sure how to deal with opposition head on. It's been a practice of mine to buy a different brand of the aforementioned smoke and just ignore opposition and hope it either fades away or the other party changes their position. It's silly and childish really, and that goes on the list of things I don't need to do anymore. I need to grow up and talk things out. Just do the next right thing and let God take care of the rest.

I also have a habit of dismissing the value of the opinions of others. Raising my banner of "I know what I think and what God says and that's all that matters" it's been easy to cover my ears and pay no heed to warnings and advice. While that opinion certainly has it's place, something it fails to recognize is that God put those other people and other opinions in front of my face for a reason. Whether it may be to wake me up or to strengthen my resolve is what I need to decipher.

So when I have their two cents in my hand I need to remember that it's worth may be much more than just two hundredths of a declining dollar. I need to hear them, but more importantly listen to them. I need to hear more than the words that are said and understand the meaning behind them. I need to listen for what God is trying to tell me in their words.

And that's my two cents worth.

Twist Ties, Question Popping, and an Obvious Ending

2010-01-02T14:38:00.004-06:00

I would talk about the New Year and resolutions I've made, but I haven't made any and I probably won't. I'd write all about the fun I had on NYE at Becca's party but the pictures are already on Facebook and it's clear to see what I was most excited about that evening.I'd tell you all the ins and outs about how this whole thing happened but it's much cooler to just say God's cool and does some pretty amazing things with broken people.

It's funny, when I was younger I used to say all the time how cute I thought twist tie engagements were. There was always something precious to me about not needing some pretty, delicate, shining declaration of love on your finger to make it acceptable. It's the man you're in love with that matters, not the jewelry he gives you. Don't get me wrong -- when Joe does get me that pretty ring, I'll love it too -- but this ring is just perfect for me and fulfills it's purpose quite expertly. Just like Joseph fits right in the hole God left open for him in my heart this precious little ring fits perfectly on my little hand.

Though we haven't been together officially for even a whole month (though we will be tomorrow, lol) Joe's loved me in both word and deed for quite some time. I love him so much and I'm beyond thankful that God has brought us together in this way despite how much we don't deserve it. I'm so excited about the life we get to build together, the home we'll share and the great things God is doing in and through our relationship.

I am truly blessed beyond all I could ever hope, ask or think.

So there it is -- the most awesome news I ever got to share in a blog. Joseph Johnson Duffey, III is gonna marry me, and I'm gonna marry him right back.

Hope is My Middle Name

2009-12-28T00:36:00.002-06:00

I've always been one for high hopes. I guess it comes with the red hair and the middle name they gave me.I've had dreams that seem impossible to most that I can see so clearly you'd think I was already living them. It's easy to get lost in the possibilities and lose touch with the realities and actualities of life. And while the moment I understand they aren't quite real yet is at times quite heartbreaking, I hope (there it is again) I never stop having those dreams.
Hope can be a grenade -- but I'll hold onto the switch till it blows and brings either satisfaction or despair.

I find myself hoping for some rather spectacularly ordinary things lately. The dream in my heart isn't for anything glittery or new, but it certainly exciting.
I want a home with my husband. One full of life and laughter - wood floors and window seats optional. I want kids running around learning to read and sing and play and imagine all sorts of wonderful dreams of their own. I want border collies and calico cats getting into mischief and following my family around.
I want a kitchen with tacky, mismatched dishes and echos of game nights and great conversations in the dining room. I want a comfy couch with blankets I made strung over the back. I want an attic with dusty memories we couldn't fit in our closets and hallways.
I want a yard with trees and a treehouse with a tire swing. I want a garden with roses and lillies and pansies and vegetables the kids probably won't eat (including peas because maybe one of them will share my favorite food). I want hydrangeas and azaleas around the sides of the house and a mailbox with our names on it. I want a porch with rickety rocking chairs and a cute little swing.
I want a minivan and car seats and books on tape and travel games. Maybe even a guest room with a library of all our favorites and the good pillows and towels.

I want it all. Right up to not sleeping on Christmas Eve because I'm getting everything set just right before everyone lines up in the hallway trying to sneak peeks of bikes, guitars and other fun new things. Even changing a 5 year old's bed sheets at 2 am just for the kid and his teddy bear to end up sleeping between us in our bed. I want to go all June Cleaver on the neighborhood and bake after school snacks and leave pies cooling in the windowsill. I want family vacations complete with flat tires and awkward potty breaks at truck stops. I wanna get a babysitter and go out on dates with my man that are sure to get interrupted by little squabbles and sudden illnesses. I want Barney and Baby Bop birthday parties. I want Power Ranger action figures forgotten on the stairs and homework left on the kitchen counter. I want home movies of all of it. Pictures too.

I want the romance and the everyday love. I want to be inspired by little silly things that my family sees and turn them into anecdotes in Christmas letters, blogs and songs I write. I want the precious gift of a family all my own & a full life with my husband, my best friend.

I can see it all. I can feel it. It's such a beautiful journey I'm itching to embark on.

For 19 years, 6 months, 23 days, and about 8 hours I've been dreaming up spacewalks and stages and sailing ships. I've gone to the moon and back a hundred times in my heart. No goal has been unreachable, no hope unattainable. And yet, none of my previous gilded endeavors compare to this hope of mine. Home. Family. True & Enduring Love. What more could one wish, ask of think of? Not all that much...

I think I'm up for the challenge.

Hope is my middle name, after all.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall Come...

2009-12-26T00:15:00.003-06:00

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Everytime I get the chance to sit and write my mind goes wild with the millions of wonderful things I need to get out in words, and yet words continue to fail me. There are just some experiences that just haven't been turned into defined concepts with sufficient meaning. Sure, there are myriads of terms that could give the most minute glimpses of understanding -- but nothing that comes close to the real, full and utter loveliness that is welling up inside of me. I'm literally bursting at the seams with joy and revelry.

Most of those who know me or even those who have observed my comings and goings in recent days would tell you that they know why I'm so abundantly happy, but even they only know a portion of the cause. Let me tell you, the reason they would give is most definitely on the short list of motivators -- but even that cannot fully explain this joy. Though that great love is most assuredly an agent of change and cheer, it is not alone in it's endeavors.

I think the best way to explain it for tonight (or this morning as the case almost always ends up being) is that I am incredibly and ridiculously excited about the future. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month or a Saturday next July -- but the eternal future that could come anytime between now and whenever.

Christmas is such a great time to really understand the concept that Christ came to Earth and that He's coming again. I used to sit and think, "He didn't have to if He didn't want to so what would possibly make Him leave heaven to come to this wretched place and save this wretched person?".
I know now that the 'what' that would make Him humble Himself so profoundly is the great love He has for His own. It's the love that made Him so needlessly merciful to Adam & Eve. The same love that saved Noah and blessed Abraham. The same love that captivated David's heart and redeemed his sinful soul. The same love that sought after Israel with compassion and perseverance. It was that same love that has chased after and fought for the affections and dedications of prostitutes, druggies, lepers, tax collectors, murderers, thieves, disobedient children, promise breakers, liars, idolaters, envious neighbors, adulterers, savages, fakers, and self righteous do-gooders.

It's the love that compelled Him, by His very nature, to chase me down, drag me out, pick me up and call me His, time and time again.

And if that love did it once... If that love made the perfect, blameless Prince of Heaven be born in such a provincial manner to live in squalor and disgrace among the very men He Himself had created only to die for their transgressions (for my sins) -- Certainly, He will come again. He will come and fulfill his promises and redeem this earth fully.

And Love, if that doesn't get your blood pumping and your adrenaline glands working overtime -- I don't know what will.

Breathe

2009-12-12T15:03:00.003-06:00

I have for real got to calm down.

I'm singing too much, and when I say that I'm singing too much... Trust me.. I'm singing too much.

It's hard not to blurt out all the things that are making me dance and sing around. But I'm gonna take a lesson from Mary and just ponder a little while.

Missing Parts

2009-12-06T03:34:00.003-06:00

I can't find my boots.

It's 3:30 am and I can't sleep because I can't find my boots. My brown boots from Charlotte Russe that I got on sale. I can't find the black ones either but it's the brown ones I need. It's cold out and I'll need my boots to wear with the green sweater dress because I don't have any brown flats. Not that I really wear flats anyways. I need those boots.

It's so silly that I can't sleep because of boots. It's not like I need them right now. I just can't find them and it's bothering me. I ripped through my room looking for them.

Then I thought... Have I worn boots since I came back home? Did I leave them at the apartment? What else could I have left there??

I haven't had time to get in the right train of mind to deal with these things running through my head (running, mind you, without their boots on). There are too many things to do and there's too much white noise in my ears.

I'm just not sure why it is so disturbing to me that I may have left my boots. Perhaps because I may have also left a large portion of myself. That... that is what I am truly afraid of. Boots... however loved, can be replaced. There's a coffee colored pair in my mother's trunk waiting for Christmas. My heart... My heart is another matter all together. I can't buy a replacement on sale at the mall. There's no catalog to order from or site to store delivery. None of my friends can check my online registry and check the gift wrap box. Things like that you only get once, at the very beginning with your soul and your pink or blue hospital wristband.

They say "Time heals all wounds". I think they give time too much credit sometimes.
Christ can heal all wounds, I'll believe that.

While you're at it... Can you find my boots?

Another Grief Observed

2009-12-02T01:14:00.001-06:00

From C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed"
"What pitiable cant to say,'She will live forever in my memory!' Live? That is exactly what she won't do. You might as well think like the old Egyptians that you can keep the dead by embalming them. Will nothing persuade us that they are gone? What's left? A corpse, a memory, and (in some versions) a ghost. All mockeries or horrors. Three more ways of spelling the word dead.

... But there are other difficulties. 'Where is she now?' That is, in what place is she at the present time?...

...Kind people have said to me, 'She is with God.' In one sense that is most certain. She is, like God, incomprehensible and unimaginable...

...But I find that this question, however important it may be in itself, is not after all very important in relation to grief. Suppose that the earthly lives she and I shared for a few years are in reality only the basis for, or prelude to, or earthly appearance of, two unimaginable, supercosmic, eternal somethings. Those somethings could be pictures as spheres or globes. Where the plane of Nature cuts through them — that is, in earthly life — they appear as two circles (circles are slices of spheres). Two circles that touched. But those two circles, above all the point at which they touched, are the very thing I am mourning for, homesick for, famished for. You tell me, 'she goes on.' But my heart and body are crying out, come back, come back. Be a circle, touching my circle on the plane of Nature. But I know this is impossible. I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get...

...If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to 'glorify God and enjoy Him forever.' A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild..."

Jack, too many of us know all too well what you went through. There are so many questions that come with loss. They spin around your heart like a hurricane. It seems easier sometimes to let the winds of fear and rains of uncertainty whip you around like a forgotten piece of laundry on the clothesline. No amount of cold or dampness can will your weak spirit to walk inside.

It's hard to tell if memories and dreams make anything brighter. Some are warm and comforting, like amber sunshine on your skin, but others are far less merciful. There are dreams that cut like icy daggers. Sharp "What if's" and jagged "maybe's"...

But you've got to hold to truths. Things like "God loves His children" and "God is good". You have to remember those.

Grief is painful - grueling. But with Christ there is hope, there is a future. There is a home to look forward to.

We're all just wayfaring strangers here. Some of us are just taking the long way home. I think it'll be like Christmas, everyone trickling in the front door like leftover raindrops off a tree branch. Separate during the trip down, but together in one big puddle at the end.

I like the way that sounds...

How He Would Have Said It

2009-11-26T19:46:00.000-06:00

Everyone has their own little traditions. Some people put marshmallows on top, others prefer crunched cereal. Boys like football and girls cook and play with babies all day. I had a friend who used to go to a nursing home and sit with her grandmother's old best friend.

We skipped mine this year. I don't know if it was because everyone was so full or if we were deciding between an ornament swap or handmade things for Christmas, but we skipped it completely. I'm sort of glad because I'm really just not sure how I would have possibly answered it this year.

So because I don't know how to answer the question that was never asked or even mentioned, I'll let someone else answer for me.

Tonight's Prayer by: Mattie J.T. Stepanek
Dear God,
Thank you for brothers, and
Thank you for sisters,
and thank you for friends when
Brothers and sisters die. And
Thank you for feathers, and
Thank you for seashells, and
Thank you for babies that
Come from mommies' love.
Thank you, God.
For all these things.
Amen.

Safe In the Arms of Jesus

2009-11-19T11:42:00.004-06:00

I don't know you
I never could
But if I'd held you
Maybe that would have made a difference
Some kind of difference

But now you're gone
And it's not fair
That I can't even
Go back there and make a difference
Some kind of difference

But you're safe
In the arms of Jesus
Yes you're safe
In the arms of Jesus
And of all of the things
I could have done
I'm glad I can't make that any different

Who knows what you would
Have done with life
If you'd been given
A chance to try and go the distance
So great the distance

But you're safe
In the arms of Jesus
Yes you're safe
In the arms of Jesus
And of all of the things
I could have done
I'm glad I can't make that any different
oh, noone can make that any different
No, noone can make that any different

(Simile)It's Like A Metaphor

2009-11-08T00:12:00.001-06:00

There come moments in our lives, like this one, that we're so numb-- so blinded to what is actually happening -- that it's impossible to respond in a tactful manner.

It's like when you curl up to watch a movie with your legs tucked underneath you. You're sitting there enjoying yourself just along for the ride... and then the movie ends. The lights aren't dimmed anymore and you can see the popcorn you spilled everywhere and the carmelized Coke products on the ground. You have to stand up now. But your legs are all numb and it hurts to move. An inch off the orange moldy seats and it feels like a million needles have been simultaniously injected across your lower extremities. But you're in the way and the theatre smells weird so you really have to get up.

You have a few choices.
Do nothing. Be in the way. Don't solve any problems. Stay in the messy smelly theatre.
Stand up. Be in sincere pain and walk it off. Figure it out. Face things head on.
Let somebody carry you to the car. Depend on their strength to save you from pain.

My legs are tingley...

Need You Now

2009-11-04T00:38:00.000-06:00

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
To me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Page 33 of a Book I Never Finished

2009-11-01T10:35:00.003-06:00

You're never very far. No matter where I turn you're around the corner in some song I wrote or blurb I hid away in a notebook.
I used to run from these reminders, but these days I need them. I'm lost in a sea of what "if"s and "maybe"s.

What if I had called about help.
Maybe I'd still have the connection.
What if I hadn't given up.
Maybe I'd be there now.
What if I hadn't parked the car to cry.
Maybe I'd have gotten that phone call.

I don't know if questioning the past is worth very much. Just hope for a second chance at not missing out, that's all I can do now.

I miss you. Writing makes me feel closer to you now. It seems I've almost stopped completely.

I should really finish this book. Maybe I'll just write 32 pages of a new one instead.

It is Finished, But We Are Not

2009-09-17T01:16:00.005-05:00

I'm never sure what to do after I do the hard thing. It seems there are just more hard things to follow. I can't do it alone, but I don't have to and I won't have to. Jesus got me in this - he'll hold me through it and pull me out.

As usual, Brock says it more eloquently than I can in the moment.

Quoted from Brock's note earlier...

And as much as I can't see how any of this can end good, I know it will... ...Before our trust was ever placed in him, God knew. He knew our confidence would be shattered. He knew the weight that would be on our shoulders. He knew the struggles we would face. But He also knew the way out. He can see what we cannot. He can see the light at the end of the tunnel. He can see the rope hanging down for us to grab hold of. Already Christ is climbing down into the mud we find ourselves trapped in at the bottom of this valley. Already Christ is taking a breath, plunging beneath the surface and getting below us so that we can stand on him and climb our way out. There is nothing He won't do for us. There is no limit to the shame and pain He will endure to bring us Home and to bring us life to the full. He's proven that already and we are called to trust in that.

I see that doing the right thing is really what's hard. It's trusting that God really does in fact know what he's doing, trusting that He really will do what He promises. Trusting that this leap of faith I'm taking is a leap closer to Him.

"Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither. "
-C. S. Lewis
"Some prices are just too high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart. "
-Lois McMaster Bujold

I just skimmed through some old Livejournal (does anyone else remember when that was cool?) posts from when I was 15 and in a watered down version of this situation. One post in particular is something I'm clinging on.

"He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls."
-I Peter 2:24-25

"Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all. "
-Isaiah 53:4-6

It is finished. Not until tonight did I get that. It's already paid for. I can't try and pay Jesus back for what He did. It's silly to think that what I could do would be even a single drop in the ocean. It is finished. He took all of it. what hadn't even happened yet... and it was atoned for. right then, right there. And now... Now is when He turns me around and walks me in the right direction....

That was April 14th of 2006. I remember writing it. I remember being so relieved. And yet it feels like a hundred years ago. Oh to be sitting at that computer knowing what I know now about the last few years and really standing up and walking in the right direction - really listening to His words.

But that was the past, I can't change if. However in the words of a wise baboon from a Disney film, I can learn from it. I have learned from it. So I'm dodging that stick and going back home again. Getting back to where I knew I belonged the whole time.

Praying that you're coming with me.

Bright Spot in the Black

2009-08-27T14:24:00.002-05:00

Star light, Star bright
Last one till the morning light
And I'm still wishing
Think I may, think I might
Stay up till the morning light
Cuz my mind's itching

Smoke is slower on the water
Than anything I've ever
Ever seen
Smoke is slower in the air
When there's water in the air
That's why I'll never leave

Star light, Star bright
Nothing's clear in the morning light
So I'm still wishing
Star light, so bright
Sure seems that nothing's right
So I'm "What If"ing

What if you're not really there
And years ago you stopped burning
What if they don't really care
About the life my heart is yearning for
What if I walk through the door
And just give up
What would I be passing up

Star light, Star bright
The first one I saw tonight
Said to keep hoping on
It thought I may, thought I might
Rise up with the morning light
And I'd keep going strong

What if I really can climb
And what if I can go the distance
What if these dreams can all be mine
And I can live the life I'm yearning for
What if I walk through the door
And don't give up
What would I be taking up

Smoke is slower on the water
Than anything I've ever
Ever seen
Smoke is slower in the air
When there's water in the air
That's why I'll never leave

Oh Star light, Star bright
Call up the morning light
And I'll be waiting
Think you may, think you might
Have stirred up a little fight
That won't be fading soon

Only You

2009-08-16T19:51:00.002-05:00

I could use a decent apartment
With a rent that's not too high
I could use a job that don't kill me
Or make me wish to die
But I need your love
I only need your love

I could use a few more dollars
Of gas inside my car
And I could use a trip to the mountains
Where the skies are full of stars
But I need your love
I only need your love

Your love gets me through the day
Your love takes my hurt away
And it's true, there are things that I could use
But the only thing I ever need to make it through
Is for you to know I love Only You

I could use a few more hours
At the end of every day
And I could use a chance to take off
When they're telling me to stay
But I need your love
I only need your love

I could use an education
Yes I could learn a thing or two
I could use a bit less confrontation
And a good bit more time with you
But I need your love
I only need your love

Your love gets me through the day
Your love takes my hurt away
And it's true, there are things that I could use
But the only thing I ever need to make it through
Is for you to know I love Only You

Five Guys Theme

2009-08-15T20:09:00.001-05:00

I sold my soul to a burger join
8 days a week I am countin' coins
And sweepin' the floors in time
Some day this resteraunt will be mine

Yes, I sold my soul to a burger place
See me topping sandwiches "All the Way"
So you can quickly and casually dine
See, someday this resteraunt will be mine

Oh, I sold my soul to a burger grill
50 hours this week and I'm flippin' still
I make a mean Little Bacon Cheese
One day this all will belong to me

Now I've sold my soul to burgers and fries
Dropping multiple baskets at the same time
Would you like Cajun seasoning
See, one day this all will belong to me

My heart and souls in this burger store
I can run every station with a line to the door
If I could I'd be workin for free
'Cause one day this all will belong to me

Yeah, We sold our soulds to a burger joint
And if you can't seem to see the point
We'll still be doin just fine
Yeah someday this resteraunt will be mine
Yes, one day this all will belong to me
Oh Some day, one day it's mine

The Grass Withers

2009-07-31T23:34:00.002-05:00

I can't breathe without the words You breathe
I can't live without the that live
I can't stand without the words that stand forever
I can't love without the words You loved, You love
You breathe the words that live and stand forever

Living Water, holy whispers in my heart
Rod & staff Comfort in the darkest dark
One & Only - First & Last
The True Vine - Apart from you I can't do anything

I can't breathe without the words You breathe
I can't live without the that live
I can't stand without the words that stand forever
I can't love without the words You loved, You love
You breathe the words that live and stand forever

With me always, at my right hand, by my siade
Hope & peace - You're the One I can't deny
Light to my feet, to my path
Ever here - Apart from You I can't do anything

I can't breathe without the words You breathe
I can't live without the that live
I can't stand without the words that stand forever
I can't love without the words You loved, You love
You breathe the words that live and stand forever

Noone can take
From my soul they'd have to break
No, Noone can take Your words away from me
Perfect and pure
Of this & only this I'm sure
No, Noone can take Your words away from me

I can't breathe without the words You breathe
I can't live without the that live
I can't stand without the words that stand forever
I can't love without the words You loved, You love
You breathe the words that live and stand forever

This, Not So Little, Light of Mine

2009-07-23T00:08:00.000-05:00

Confusion. Truth.
Lack of Consistency. Hypocrisy. Lack of Obedience.
Grace.
Loving someone.
Anguish. Mercy.
Hope. Trust.
An entirely different kind of love than the one mentioned previously.
Peace.

I'm finding it hard to express things in complete sentances. I guess this is what I'm like when I'm really and truely overwhelmed.

There's no cookie cutter answer. A friend said it very clearly -- find what is truth and do what is right in light of that truth.

I surrender. I'm not even going to try. I can't do this. I can't do anything, I've never done anything good in my whole life. There has been nothing of me that is good. Not. One. Thing.

Let's assume that someone who is good will not throw someone they love under a bus.

God is in control.God is good, God loves me & I know that is truth.I am not in control. I am not good, I am redeemed. God can do all things, and God does do all things well. Even when I am overwhelmed. That, is also truth. Truth that I have heard, seen, felt and even been a part of.

In light of this truth I will not fear. In light of this truth I will not pretend that I have any power or ability to "fix" this, or any, situation or person. In light of this truth I will trust that God, who is good, will not throw me under the bus.

And I will walk in this light.

Slowly Killing Me

2009-07-19T14:25:00.000-05:00

Say you never said forever
Say you never said for now
Say you only said whenever
You call and say "I need you now"

If I'd known you would just switch the bait
I wouldn't take it
Should have known I was just tempting fate
And I'd be forsaken
Your relief is a poison

You're like cigarettes
I need to quit you
Blow the smoke out my lungs
Broken promises
Fogged up the rear view
Made me forget where I'm from
I know that you're not good for me
And I know that you're not gonna be
And like cigarettes
You're slowly killing me

Say I'm only yours when you want me
I'm just an inconvenience today
You knew I'd hang around if only
You made me think that one day you'd change

If I'd known you would just switch the bait
I wouldn't take it
Should have known I was just tempting fate
And I'd be forsaken
Your relief is a poison

You're like cigarettes
I need to quit you
Blow the smoke out my lungs
Broken promises
Fogged up the rear view
Made me forget where I'm from
I know that you're not good for me
And I know that you're not gonna be
And like cigarettes
You're slowly killing me

Another Hundred Lines

2009-07-13T15:35:00.001-05:00

I've written at least a hundred lines about you
I'll write at least a million more before I'm through
Your heart is a song that's playing over in my head
Your gaze is a melody I knew before we met

You've got a way of inspiring me to be
More than I ever thought that I could be

And I'll write another hundred lines tonight
If you keep on looking at me
With eyes brighter than the stars above
Could we be in love

You're the light in the darkest night that makes me feel so brave
You're the lyric that captures me and holds me in the phrase
I'm a willing prisoner that will not leave your side
You're the treasure I'll always want that wealth can never buy

You've got a way of inspiring me to be
More than I ever thought that I could be

And I'll write another hundred lines tonight
If you keep on looking at me
With eyes brighter than the stars above
Could we be in love
And I'll write another hundred lines tonight
If you keep on looking at me
With hopes higher than the stars above
Could we be in love

I've written at least a hundred lines about you
I'll write at least a million more before I'm through

Home

2009-07-10T23:12:00.002-05:00

I'll steal the wings of an angel
And fly to your side
I'll make believe that I'm leaving
Just to kiss you goodbye
But I'll be back before you miss me

If the storms finally make me
Really leave you
I'll buy a blue gingham dress
And borrow Dorothy's shoes
And click my heels a couple times

Wherever you are is where I wanna be
Wherever you are is home to me

You play that song like you wrote it
Just for my ears
If you play it again
I'll be yours through the years
And my heart will stay within your grasp

There's no way that I could be
More blessed than now
Unless maybe I had met you
Sooner than time allowed
And held you long before this day

Wherever you are is where I wanna be
Wherever you are is home to me

O Say, Does That Star Spangled Banner Still Wave O'er the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave?

2009-07-04T21:57:00.004-05:00

Our fathers' God to Thee,
Author of Liberty,
To thee we sing,
Long may our land be bright
With Freedom's holy light,
Protect us by thy might
Great God, our King.

My Country Tis of Thee

Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved home and the war's desolation!
Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

The Star Spangled Banner

Happy Birthday

2009-07-02T22:31:00.001-05:00

Yes, I remember what today is. I tried to call you to say Happy 68th, but there was no answer. I'd have licked a stamp and sent a card, but I don't have an address.

Yup... guess that's all. Hope it was a good birthday...

Dear Mr. President

2009-06-29T21:21:00.002-05:00

My name is Anna Godwin. I am 19 years old, a resident and registered voter of Maylene, AL. In November 2008 I was given, for the first time, the great privilege and responsibility of casting my vote in a presidential election. Although my vote was not for you and your running mate, I would like to congratulate you both on the victory and express my appreciation for your willingness to serve our country. Your families and advisers are continually in my prayers.

When I was in the 5th grade I bet my best friend that I would be a better President than he, and more importantly that I would achieve that goal first. For as long as I can remember I have loved the history of our great nation. I have made it one of my highest priorities to continue to educate myself on the principles it was built upon and to stay informed of the events currently shaping its future. I was taught, and used to believe, that Presidents, Vice Presidents, Senators and Congressmen are public servants. They are representatives of the people and protectors of the law. Watching the news these days, I have to ask... What changed?

I no longer feel any political party or representative in Washington represents my views or works to pursue the issues important to me. I feel anything but served. Quite frankly, Mr President, I feel betrayed and I'm afraid I'm not alone. Perhaps though I have simply not been making myself heard. Perhaps now is the time to do just that. The following is a list of my veiws and the issues for which I seek representation. You should know, sir, that I am most certainly not alone in these matters. I'm sure you have recieved versions of this letter in scores.

One, illegal immigration. I want you to stop coddling illegal immigrants and secure our borders. Close the underground tunnels. Stop the violence and the trafficking of drugs and people. No amnesty, not again. Been there, done that, no resolution. P.S., I'm not a racist. This isn't to be confused with legal immigration.

Two, the TARP bill, I want it repealed and I want no further funding supplied to it. We told you no, but you did it anyway. I want the remaining unfunded 95% repealed. Freeze, repeal.

Three, Czars. I want the circumvention of our checks and balances stopped immediately. Fire the czars. No more czars. I don't know how many different ways we need to say it. Government officials answer to the process, not to the president. Stop trampling on our Constitution and honor it.

Four, cap and trade. The debate on global warming is not over. There is more to say. Listen.

Five, universal healthcare. I will not be rushed into another expensive decision. Don't you dare try to pass this in the middle of the night and then go on break. Slow down!

Six, growing government control. I want states rights and sovereignty fully restored. I want less government in my life, not more. Shrink it down. Mind your own business. You have enough to take care of with your real obligations.

Seven, ACORN. I do not want ACORN and its affiliates in charge of our 2010 census. I want them investigated. I also do not want mandatory escrow fees contributed to them every time on every real estate deal that closes. Stop the funding to ACORN and its affiliates pending impartial audits and investigations. I do not trust them with taking the census over with our taxpayer money. I don't trust them with our taxpayer money. Face up to the allegations against them and get it resolved before taxpayers get any more involved with them. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, hello. Stop protecting your political buddies. You work for us, the people. Investigate.

Eight, redistribution of wealth. No, no, no. I work for my money. It is mine. I have always worked for people with more money than I have because they gave me jobs. That is the only redistribution of wealth that I will support. I never got a job from a poor person. Why do you want me to hate my employers? Why ‑‑ what do you have against shareholders making a profit?

Nine, charitable contributions. Although I never got a job from a poor person, I have helped many in need. Charity belongs in our local communities, where we know our needs best and can use our local talent and our local resources. Butt out, please. We want to do it ourselves.

Ten, corporate bailouts. No one is too big to fail. Sink or swim like the rest of us. If there are hard times ahead, we'll be better off just getting into it and letting the strong survive. Quick and painful. Have you ever ripped off a Band‑Aid? We will pull together. Great things happen in America under great hardship. Give us the chance to innovate. We cannot disappoint you more than you have disappointed us.

Eleven, transparency and accountability. How about it? No, really, how about it? Let's have it. Let's say we give the buzzwords a rest and have some straight honest talk. Please try ‑‑ please stop manipulating and trying to appease me with clever wording. I am not the idiot you obviously take me for. Stop sneaking around and meeting in back rooms making deals with your friends. It will only be a prelude to your criminal investigation. Stop hiding things from me.

Twelve, unprecedented quick spending. Stop it now.

Take a breath and listen to the people you are supposed to be representing. We entrusted you with protecting our constitution and doing what was best for our country. The whole country, not just big corporations and politicians. The rest of us are tired of being ignored. We will make our voices heard- be it in letters such as this, phone calls to the office you occupy, or rallies at your front door.

Years ago another group of Americans that you'll remember were faced with a similiar situation. They called it taxation without representation. They wrote a letter, that we now know as the Declaration of Independance, and they made their voices heard. The Americans of today are not so different. We have not forgotten. I believe that you and others in Washington may have.

Consider this a gentle reminder.

Knowing How Way Leads to Way

2009-06-26T16:56:00.002-05:00

I'm looking forward to a lot of things right now. I can hardley wait for my new niece to arrive (the second one). This new job (@ the new Five Guys Burgers and Fries in Hoover) looks like it will be tons of fun. I just had a phone call from the Alabama Policy Institute and it looks like I'll be working on some public education videos for them soon. It's exciting.

I've been writing like crazy. I've written about 20 new songs(and another currently in the works) since the summer started and I'm chomping at the bit to get in the studio. I really like the way this newer stuff is sounding.

I'm starting to brush up on my test taking skills and going back through the ACT study booklets because if I'm going to go to Samford next year (crosses fingers) I'll need to take that again. I'm working on audition pieces for potential scholarships.

Life is changing rapidly, which in previous days would have scared me into a paralyzed state. While I'm a bit shaken, at this point, I'm more excited about seeing how things fold out. As I said in my previous post, I never would have expected I would be here at this time in my life. I have no clue what's next in my path, but I can't look back and wonder what would have been different. If I had gone to college right away or if I didn't date him or if I hadn't done this or if I had done that -- what does it matter? I can't go back, I can only go forward.

The path is still covered with grass and the next turn is overgrown with weeds, but who knows what sort of adventures it leads to? Who knows what is just beyond where I can see?

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2009-06-25T17:09:00.002-05:00

When I was in the 8th grade my GRC (Gifted Resource Center) teacher Mrs. Stringer had us make a binder all about the work we had done that year and the hopes we had for our future. I had a hard time putting mine together. I was terrified of the future, terrified of change. I guess I still am a little bit.

I was reading one of the reflections and couldn't help but be a little upset. It was supposed to be a paragraph or two about where I wanted to be after high school, but (you know me) I turned it into an essay. I had so many dreams back then. I was so motivated to succeed and so competitive. I can't help but sit here and wonder where that went.

It's not like I don't want success. I guess I just formed a different idea of what success is over the years.

Better to Have Loved You

2009-06-20T17:57:00.001-05:00

They say that if you love a bird
You let it go
If that wild thing returns
Then it was always yours
I don't claim to be an expert
On letting go
But I know that a captive bird
Will always long for more

Even if you're not mine in the end
I'd go back and do it all again

It's better to have loved you
Than never to have known you
Cuz even if I've lost you
I had you for awhile
I could have lived without you
And known nothing about you
But it's better to have loved you
Than to never see you smile

There's a part of me that says I should
Just let you go
Forget all the memories
That leave me longing for
An excuse or just one reason
Not to let you go
Or a solid possibility
Of what I'm hoping for

Even if you're not mine in the end
I'd go back and do it all again

It's better to have loved you
Than never to have known you
Cuz even if I've lost you
I had you for awhile
I could have lived without you
And known nothing about you
But it's better to have loved you
Than to never see you smile

I guess that now I know the cost
Of living with a love that's lost
If I can't hold you in my arms
I'll just have to hold you in my heart

It's better to have loved you
Than never to have known you
Cuz even if I've lost you
I had you for awhile
I could have lived without you
And known nothing about you
But it's better to have loved you
Than to never see you smile
Oh I loved to see your smile

Yes it's better to have loved you
Than to never see you smile

Hugging the Toilet

2009-06-20T04:14:00.003-05:00

My whole family's been sick with a stomach bug and I've been hugging the toilet for the past 24 hours or so. At first I was just annoyed and then I felt like I was dying. Somewhere between saltines and 7-up I asked God why He had to kick me while I was down. The answer came while watching the Chronicles of Narnia and being reminded of the sacrifice He made for me and how ungrateful I've been, how unbelieving and un trusting I've been.

One of these days I'm going to listen to the encouragement and advice I give to others. Would have thought that after years of those "hugging the toilet" moments I would've figured it out.

I'm desperately co-dependant. I can not provide for myself the things that I need. Thank God. And thank God that occaisionally I actually realize that. I do hope that maybe once I'll realize that before I bring myself to the point of tears and near hopelessness.

Along with that realization comes the memory of His provision. I can't change the past and how I react to it, I can only learn from it and trust that I don't have to know what's next. Trust that God keeps His promises.

Sometimes God uses situations to make us depend on Him more than oxygen. Sometimes He uses them to show others that He can turn a loss into a victory. Most of the time it's both.

Don't Ask If You Don't Want The Truth

2009-06-18T23:57:00.002-05:00

I feel fine...
aside from the burning hole inside my heart
aside from the emptiness that surrounds me
aside from the sting of tears I can't cry

I'm doing great...
other than the fact that I still feel like a total failure
other than the fact that I haven't slept more than 20 minutes at a time for about 6 days

Yes, everything is just fine. It's only a few times a day that the lump in my throat gets so big I feel like I'm choking on a basketball. The rest of the time it's manageable and I can carry on just enough small talk to make me want to take a vow of silence.

It doesn't matter how eloquently I can express what's going on in my heart in song or blog or letter form. It really doesn't change the seemingly hopeless situation and it doesn't seem to change that I can't let go of that grenade they call hope.

I'm tired and I'm hurting. Most of all I'm tired of hurting.
That's what's going on.

Sarah's Song

2009-06-16T13:52:00.001-05:00

I've only been alive an hour or two
This dimple in my chin looks just like you
And both my eyes are blue as twilight
Bet that'll be my favorite time of day

You haven't slept a wink, but that's alright
I'll probably keep you up most every night
But if you sing a lullaby
Bet that'll be my favorite time of day

I don't talk much, but I still say
That I love you in little ways
Like little hands around your finger
I won't do much here for awhile
It might be days before I smile
Up at you and steal your heart away
Bet that'll be your favorite time of day

I could get used to your safe arms
You've got me wrapped so tight and warm
Gonna keep those storms away while you can
Bet this'll be your favorite time of day

But I won't always be so sweet and small
One of these days I'm gonna learn to crawl
And I'll be just as tall as you before you know
So try and soak up all these favorite days

Cuz I wont' talk much, but I'll still say
That I love you in little ways
Remember little hands around your finger
Those days won't be here for awhile
So look down at my pirate smile
And let me steal your heart away
Bet that'll be your favorite time of day

No, I don't talk much, but I still say
That I love you in little ways
Like little hands around your finger
I won't do much here for awhile
It might be days before I smile
Up at you and steal your heart away
Bet that'll be your favorite time of day

Carrying Your (Maybe Just My) Love With Me

2009-06-13T20:15:00.004-05:00

I miss you. I've missed you since I was sitting on that curb trying to figure out how to handle what you'd just said to me. I miss you all the time, like someone pressed the on button and then broke the off button.

When I talked to her it made my heart sick because we had found something (something among the many) we had in common. We both fell for it. I can't speak for her, but I know I still wish I believed it, but more than that I still wish the option of believing it was on the table.

I'm so tired. I'm never able to get real rest these days. I could sleep for a week and I'd still feel like I'm pulling a tugboat behind me.

I loved the distraction of work. I miss it.

I keep holding out hope that one of these days I'll get a second chance (maybe it would qualify as a third chance), but it's very unlikely. However, I've been known to hang on to a lost cause or two in my day. Guess I'm just following my own pattern.

You know who you are. In fact half of Blogger knows who you are (or at least thinks they do). This is just me hoping you still read this and that maybe you still care.

I think my sister's finally having her kid so this is gettin cut short (shorter than intended, though probably not short on anyone else's terms).

I just really miss you.

On Being Content

2009-06-09T20:10:00.001-05:00

On Being Content
Mattie J.T. Stepanek
Sometimes,
I wish I was a cow,
Grazing on a hillside and
Kneeling in the soft grass to
Protect me from tears of rain...
But then I remember,
Sometimes, cows become hamburger.
Sometimes,
I wish I had a flat tongue,
Like that of a dog
Lapping water by the scoop and
Licking ice cream by the gallon and
Looking so very unique and cool...
But then I remember,
Sometimes, girls don't like dog kisses.
Sometimes,
I wish I was a someone,
Or an anyone other than
The me that I am, who
Can not keep up and who
May not stay in but who
Will not give in, or up...
But then I remember,
Sometimes, that
I am uniquely cool and
I kneel in the protection of God,
Who created me to be,
Just who and as I am.

Redheaded Little Girl

2009-06-03T16:43:00.001-05:00

He never seems to know my name
And He wasn't there the day I came
Into the world
His new little redheaded baby girl

Graduate on a Saturday
An invitation would be a waste
But I'll send it anyway
Hope that on a Saturday

He would prove me wrong
And sit there with my mother
He would make this song
All about some other
Redheaded little girl
Wouldn't wish it on the world

I'm picking out a snow white dress
Bound and determined to look my best
Gonna wear my hair in curls
Make a wife of this redheaded little girl

Exchange our vows Sunday afternoon
Send the invitations for the end of June
Green calligraphy on blue
And I'll still send one to you

Hope that you prove me wrong
And sit there with my mother
Hope that you make this song
All about some other
Redheaded little girl
Wouldn't wish it on the world

Yeah I hope that I'm not right
And you walk me down the aisle
Hope that on that night
The world will see you smile
On your redheaded little girl
As she steps into the world
Your redheaded little girl

Rain Checks

2009-06-02T16:49:00.000-05:00

Getting over you sure wasn't easy
But losing all I'd built wasn't that hard
Guess it's always me who falls faster
And you never really gave me your heart

I never expected
For you to come back again
Wait for the sun to start shining
Blame it all on the rain

Well I guess you haven't heard
That I'm not the same girl
That you left out in the storm
And I guess that you don't know
That I've raised my standards
I don't take rain checks anymore

If you hadn't wasted the last kiss
I probably would have stayed in your arms
But it seems all that you've learned to doi
Is use and abuse all your charms

I should have expected
For you to come back again
Wait for the sun to start shining
Try to blame it all on the rain

Well I guess you haven't heard
That I'm not the same girl
That you left out in the storm
And I guess that you don't know
That I've raised my standards
I don't take rain checks anymore
I reserve the right
To limit the number
Of times you can need me again
This heart wil not accept
All your excuses
Braking it again
You can't explain

But I guess you haven't heard
That I'm not the same girl
That you left out in the storm
And I guess that you don't know
That I've raised my standards
I don't take rain checks anymore
No I don't take rain checks anymore

Sweet Mary Ann

2009-06-01T16:07:00.001-05:00

Mary Ann is a song in a girl
Mary Ann will save the whole world
But Mary Ann knows that she's not the one
Mary Ann knows the Son

4 years old, standing in the kitchen
Watching her mama doing the dishes
Sweet Mary Ann asks "Who's this Jesus
We've been talking about
And can I meet him now?"

Mary Ann is a song in a girl
Mary Ann will save the whole world
But Mary Ann knows that she's not the one
Mary Ann knows the Son

Sweet 16 singing in the choir
Mary Ann raises her voice higher
Gonna turn a spark into a fire now
Tell them what it's all about

Mary Ann is a song in a girl
Mary Ann will save the whole world
But Mary Ann knows that she's not the one
Mary Ann knows the Son

Mary Ann'll live forever
Mary Ann loves her Savior
Mary Ann wants you to know him now
That's what she's about

Mary Ann is a song in a girl
Mary Ann will save the whole world
But Mary Ann knows that she's not the one
Mary Ann knows the Son
Mary Ann knows the Son
Yeah, Mary Ann knows the Son

Final Confessions of a Graduate Assistant

2009-06-01T13:54:00.000-05:00

Last time we spoke I was in Arlington, TX. I didn't find wifi anywhere after that on tour so I'll give you the day by day now that it's over.

Day 9 we drove from Arlington, TX to Oxford, MS. We just barely got there on time. On the road we got sort of bored again so I wrote another song. This time it was about Mary Ann -- I'l post the lyrics in another note later today

First Baptist Church of Oxford (our hosts for the evening) rented out the community pool and their youth group joined us for a pool party. As tradition dictates Mary Ann Friday and I roomed together along with Melissa Giddens and Katie Duffey. Y'all- we stayed with the sweetest family. The mother is the definition of a Southern Belle, the father the definition of a Southern Gentleman and our entire visit was the definition of Southern Hospitality. They had a sweet little 9 year old who wrote a song with me. Their oldest son was my age and we enjoyed being able to sit on the back porch just hanging out with him playing the guitar and eating icecream. We didn't see their other daughter much because she had to work that night.

I didn't sleep on Saturday night because I was making the slideshow and weeding through everyone's pictures and video clips. Thankfully I was able to finsih it about half an hour before our final performance last night and we got to show it in the Homecoming concert. The ride to Birmingham was bittersweet. Everyone wanted to be home but we were sad about the trip ending.

When we got back to Briarwood we were joined by the other kids who couldn't come on tour and did a sound check and ate dinner. Then the concert (which went very very well) ended with all the alumni joining us for "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross".

We then headed to the Smith's house for our annual pool party. The kids had a blast. Great way to end a great tour.

I love this choir and I love these kids. Last year it made me cry like a baby during the concert - this year is different. I'll be with these kids as long as Mr. Campbell lets me. I want to do this for the rest of my life. Not tour (though that would be fun) but the choirs. If and when it's first possible I want to go to school for this. I would love to go to Samford for Music Ed. God will work it out if it's what's supposed to happen. I feel like this is my calling, like all the weird little things I can do and all the things I love to do are designed to fit this task of teaching kids to sing praises to God and serve while doing it. This is it.

I hope those of you following along have enjoyed the ride, I know I have. I'm going to go sleep now.

For those of you in highschool in the Birmingham area -- when September rolls around come see what Choir's all about at Camp Lee. At the very least you'll have a fun weekend with your friends (or those people who will be your friends), but you might get lucky and find the family that I found.

Confessions of a Graduate Assistant: Part 8

2009-05-29T21:36:00.002-05:00

This morning started rather quickly for me. I think I woke up 5 minutes before the bus left. I don't think I missed much while napping on the bus -- seeing as how I awoke just in time to see the camels on the side of the road. This country is so diverse...

We stopped for lunch somewhere in Texas that happened to be a place that I remember from the last Grand Canyon Tour. I ate at the same China Buffet where Ryan Austin, Helen Walker, Kelsey Freeman and I ate. Made me miss old times.

Along the ride to Arlington the usual bus activities took place. Lots of sleeping, movie watching and practicing. I wrote a song about Sterling Street (I'll copy the lyrics at the bottom of this) in approximately 15 minutes or so.

Tonights concert went very well. Mary Ann Friday was so horse taht she had to drop out of the trio so I filled in. We remembered all the words in every single song. I was very impressed.

Tonight Lydia and I are staying with the cutest little family ever.

Tomorrow we'll be driving to Oxford, MS. We'll have a pool party and bright and early Sunday morning will sing in their church service before driving back to Birmingham for our homecoming concert.

It's been a great tour so far -- keep praying for the voices to regain their strength and the kids to get their rest.

G'night all.
-------------------------------

Sterling's Song
(DISCLAIMER-- This whole song is totally false and just written on the bus to kill time and cheer Sterling up)
-------------------

Sterling is the boy next door, but he doesn't know my name
I'm just the girl next door and he never walks my way
So I'll just have to wait for another day

I used to sit in my yard and wait for him to pass by
His sisters used to call me crazy, they always asked me why
I would sit and wait
Every single day

Cus Sterling used to sing my name
Back when we were kids
He said I had a pretty smile
Promised that I did
So I'll just have to wait
For a better day

Mary lived across the street and wore her hair in curls
Sterling whispered once to me that he really liked that girl
That's when I started to play
This silly waiting game

Sterling walked across the street every afternoon
Never seemed to notice me with my eyes so blue
But I'd still sit and wait
Every single day

Cuz Sterling used to sing my name
Back when we were kids
Said I had a pretty smile
Promised that I did
So I'll sit here and wait
For a better day

One morning I woke up to Sterling at my door
He said that Mary just was not the girl he loved next door
Now I don't have to wait
Today's my favorite day

And Sterling finally sings my name
Like when we kids
He says I have a pretty smile
That I always did
And I won't have to wait
For a single day
Cuz today's the perfect day

Confessions of a Graduate Assistant: Part 7

2009-05-29T00:50:00.001-05:00

Ok, so another 600 miles may have done it to me. I'm wiped out friends. Wiped out. And yet I'm still awake blogging and talking on the phone with Aaron Hux who was on this tour last time we came out. That was a great tour...

So Date Night... I would love to tell you all who was with who -- but I honestly have no idea. We stopped in Albequerqi (sp?), NM and everyone had a great time. For those of you unfamiliar with Date Night allow me to explain...

Every year on one of our hotel nights the Choir Presidents and chaperones get together to create a questionare that will aid them in deducing which girls should be placed with which gentlemen on tour for a fun, drama free, non date, Date Night outing. This outing generally takes place in an area with multiple resteraunts and other entertainment opportunities so teh guys can get a bit creative. Oh but the creativity doesn't start there -- it starts when they boys are notified of the girls they have been assigned. This is where the magic happens. They start cooking up ways to convince their dates to attend dinner with them that evening. Let me tell you -- it gets interesting. The "suitor" with the most creative (And generally, most public) request is awarded bragging rights, a small trinket (trophy of some sort) and legendhood.

This year it was Chip Elmer who impersonated the entertainment on our Grand Canyon Railway trip (check him out at www.cclearwater.com) in front of the whole bus. It was expert. He now is the proud owner of an Arizona keychain and will go down in the history books.

We've got a few struggling choir members (my sister for one) that are really feeling the strain of the long drives and minimal sleep. Pray that we'll have the chance to recover tonight and tomorrow before our last on the road concert in Arlington, TX.

On the final leg of today's ride I had the opportunity to listen to the testimonies of some fellow travelers and share my own. Once again it's encouraging to see the amazing accounts of how great our God is in the lives of His own.

I'll update as I can. Keep an eye out for videos and pictures.

Confessions of a Graduate Assistant: Part 6

2009-05-28T12:49:00.001-05:00

You get an extra update today. We're in the midst of a two hour quiet time on the bus. I've just made my rounds down one side and up the other giving any consenting, awake person a 3 minute massage. Now they're almost all asleep.Good thing because I don't think anyone slept at the hotel last night and we're starting to drop like flies. Whoever had the genius idea to bring a nurse along should get an award of some sort. Mrs. Duffey is definitely appreciated.
For you parents reading at home-- I don't think there's anything contageous going around. 95 percent of the ill are simply over tired and under rested.

This morning I was reminded of another reason why I love this choir so much. When things get dramatic (which is nearly impossible to escape when you have 40 high school students in close quarters) we have a collection of really spectacular leaders who are there to give everyone a quick reality check. We have sweet girls standing by to give encouragement when somebody's homesick or feels poorly. We have equally sweet guys who bear the weight of loading and unloading the bus along with carrying the burdens of those who are struggling. When someone under budgets for food and runs out of cash half way through the trip -- 6 kids volunteer to chip in for their lunches and dinners.

Every morning on the bus either Kathleen or Tyler (Choir Presidents) have recruited someone to give a devotion. Each morning I'm amazed at the depth of these kids' relationships with Christ. They're seeking after him and seeking after opportunities to lead other to him.

Last night at the pool Patrick (Russo -- one of our chaperones) had the opportunity to share with one of the other guests at the hotel. I don't know how it went, but it was very encouraging to see that even at a time where most of us would be playing and hanging out with our friends that he was ready for the opportunity.

This kids love each other. They love the Lord and they love people. That's why I love this choir and that's why I'm not leaving till they make me.

Confessions of a Graduate Assistant: Part 5

2009-05-28T08:45:00.001-05:00

I didn't remember it being so breathtaking.

That's right folks. Today we went to the Grand Canyon. It's hard to describe with words how incredibley beautiful it is. All I can really think of to tell you is that it's more beautiful, more spectacular, more mind boggling than you ever thought it might be.

For those of you who seem to think this world came to be by accident, do me a favor. Stand on the edge of this masterpiece and explain to me how this was made by happenstance. Explain to me how nothing was instantly (or over time became) something and how that something then became something so extraordinary.
No, this was designed by Someone who knew what would capture our hearts. This was molded by the hands of a mighty God, the Architect of land and sea. You can talk all day about science and rivers that carve away over billions of years. Talk till you're blue in the face, but you can't explain away the jump that happens in your heart when you see this for the first (or any) time.

After exploring the Canyon and getting some great photos (which will be up asap) we rode the train back to Williams and the hotel. Along the way we learned some trivia points about Arizona and were "robbed" by some cowboys. We sang a few songs for the other passengers as well -- got video which will also be up soon.

We leave bright and early on Thursday for Vega, TX. Last hotel night of the trip -- you know what that means.. Date Night. Get excited...

Goodnight friends -- miss you!

Confessions of a Graduate Assistant: Part 4

2009-05-27T00:43:00.001-05:00

Greetings from Carefree, AZ! We're here at Day 5 of the Briarwood Chapel Choir Tour 2009. Today's events included breakfast at the LaQuinta (they had a waffle maker =^D ), driving, photo ops, driving, lunch, driving, and then a full concert.

The drive today was rather interesting. The terrain is less boring - there are mountains and cacti -- the occasional wild cow. It's beautiful, really. Also, it's rather entertaining to watch for little dust tornadoes.

We stopped at one particular rest stop and the rocks were so aazing that we clearly had to take a group photo opportunity by the horns. This took some time... but it was worth it.

Speaking of pictures -- I'm looking forward to the last two days of the trip that I'll be chained to my laptop creating the tour video for the homecoming concert. Should be fun. I just wish I had my Camp Lee pics so it would be a complete year.

Backto the day -- We stopped in Tucson, AZ for lunch and discovered a two story Forever 21 with a mens section (wtc??) . Nothing too interesting happened there.

After lunch it wasn't a very long drive to Scottsdale, AZ and Covenant Community Church. We had a few hours of downtime which was nice. Got some practice in and played a little basketball. Anita and a few other wonderful ladies prepared an amazing meal for some very enthusiastic, hungry guests. Much appreciated. The concert went very well. Only a few minor issues with words -- but we determined it's Mr. Campbell's fault (jk). All the solo acts (well I guess there were really any SOLOs... duets, trios and quartets) did very well.

I'm telling you folks, I just keep winning this host home lotto. Not once have I had an even remotely weird or bad experience. It's awesome just being able to chill. So much better than hotels where everyone is all hyper and hopped up on caffeine and the ability to order pizza to their rooms.

Sorry the post isn't quite as colorful as previous ones. Tomorrow's should be great -- we leave bright and early for Williams, AZ and you guessed it... THE GRAND CANYON! So excited. I didn't have a camera last time we came... I might pass out from pure joy. Oh wait -- no I'm just tired...

Pleasant Dreams, Happy Trails, Y'all Come Back Now Y'Hear.

Confessions of a Graduate Assistant: Part 3

2009-05-25T23:33:00.002-05:00

Six. Hundred. Miles.
I think you all understand without much elaboration what 600 miles on a bus with 40highschool students can do to a person. Exhaustion, restlessness, anxiety, claustrophobia, headaches, and of course the imminent fear of the next days travels.

Obviously you people don't know me.

I loved it. 600 miles? Are you kidding me?! That's awesome!!! We saw the terrain change to the most boring of all time to the most gorgeous landscapes. And the clouds were so beautiful...

It never ceases to amaze me how vastly different different parts of this world are. The people, the land, the trees, even the sky is different. Our God is so awesome.

We sing this one song "Daily Prayer" where it talks about God being the Artist of the Sky...

Anyways - the traveling went smoothly today. No major accidents and no serious issues with the authorities. I mean, our bus got searched before we were allowed to cross the border into New Mexico, but hey no biggie. Seeing Mexico on the left and America on the right was a big hit for all the kids. Also,Patrick Russo attempted to finish a Whirly Pop in one sitting -- however he was unsuccesful. He gave it the old college try though, so props to him.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. We'll be driving about 5 hours or so to Scottsdale, Arizona. I can't wait to see the Barnes family. We'll be singing our very first FULL concert ( kids duets, trios etc and all ) so pray that we all remember the words and that the kids save their voices on the bus ride.

I'll update as I can -- but for now it's time to hit the sack.

Confessions of a Graduate Assitant: Part 2

2009-05-24T23:37:00.001-05:00

Days 2 and 3 of tour went rather smoothly. No one died, no one was very seriously injured, no one got lost. In other words a few people almost died, some people haveminor injuries and occasionally we didn't know quite where all of our kids were. Oh well -- all's well that ends well, right?

Day 2 was spent on the road from Shreveport, LA to Spring Texas. Once again I won the host home lotto and got a pool. Loved it. Great host family. Also -- as we were eating dinner we noticed the attractive young man cutting our host family's grass. We figured perhaps he was tired and thirsty so I volunteered to take him an ice cold drink. Conveniently I found an opportunity to slip him my card. All in a day's work my friends.. all in a day's work.

Day 3 began with a contemporary service at Spring Cyprus Presbyterian Church. Lovely place. Got through the service with minimal naps. We sounded infinitely better than our first concert. Following the Contemporary service was the Traditional service in which we sang a different set of songs and once again, sounded marvelous. It's a Choir Tour miracle.

Then we took a lovely three hour drive to San Antonio, TX. Loved it. We remembered the Alamo, or at least said we did. {Gold star to anyone who can ACTUALLY remember the Alamo). Then it was onto the Riverwalk where we parused booths and the majority of our choir members ate some classic TexMex cuisine. Good times. Also -- I got a tattoo. Relax, it's just henna. Perty little bird.

Then it was about another hour drive to Kerrville, TX to the very first of our hotel stays. Surprisingly all the students were in their rooms on time and without much prompting. It's yet abother Choir Tour miracle.

Really great group of kids this year. Really great.

Tomorrow we'll drive 600 miles to Demming, NM. Can you hear me exclaiming in joy? No.. really I actually do love the long drives. Brought my guitar along for them. Also I have "The 5000 Year Leap" and Glenn Beck's "Inconvenient Book" to keep me company. Though I doubt I'll get to the books. It's hard to get bored when we have such an awesome bus driver to chit chat with.

Anyways -- it's getting late and I'm planning on waking up early to hit the treadmill.

G'night folks.

Confessions of a Graduate Assistant: Part 1

2009-05-22T23:27:00.002-05:00

First day of Choir Tour 09. It feels kind of surreal. I've been looking forward to it all year long with this idea that it probably wouldn't actually work out for me to go -- but here I am. I love this choir...

Currently I am sitting in the theatre room of our host home. You read it right -- theatre room. Sitting next to me is Emily McDougal and across the room is Lauren Moulton both of which just returned from a lovely night swim in their private pool. We're enjoying some excellent junk food and watching Bolt. Oh yeah - we won the host home lottery. Way to start the trip out with a bang. Oh .. and we're an hour closer to our destination than anyone else -- they're picking us up on the way which also means we get to sleep in.:) Be jealous.

Few little tid bits about tour so far:
-We have the same bus driver from last year. John. He's the man.
-Our first concert royaly bombed. Really... bad.
-I miss all my old choir buddies and kind feel super old on this tour.
-It's rainy and dreary
-Louisiana has mosqitoes
-Coconut water actually isn't that bad
-Apparently crickets taste likepeanut butter when roasted
-Glenn Beck and Fox News are widely respected among almost all the people I have come in contact with
-If you give a choir kid a massage, he'll want another and so will all his friends
-Letters are really hard to write on buses

Also - I'm incredibley sleepy so I'm going to stop blogging now and get some rest since it is next to impossible for me to fall asleep on the bus

G'night all

Grow Up

2009-05-16T18:16:00.000-05:00

I haven't written much lately. It seems that's exactly how it is when I have the most to write about. I'm not sure if it's because I simply haven't had the time or if it's because I'm trying to not really think about it all so that I can just get to the next thing and handle that.

All I know to do is live the way I know I'm supposed to. Love God, love my neighbor and do what has to be done. Live to please Him and not my friends, co-workers, and family. I can't make them all happy, but I can do what's right.

Stand up... shake the dust...

It's time.

Beautiful Inheritance (New and Improved)

2009-05-08T10:34:00.000-05:00

I am an orphan, I have nothing to my name
But I am an heir to the throne
I was a lowly servant, till the Father came
And made this mansion my home

The lines have fallen for me
In pleasant places
I have a Beautiful Inheritance indeed
Though they may call me just an orphan in these streets
I know my Father waits for me

I once was lost until He found me on the road
And showed me all that could be mine
I told him I'm not worthy of this kind of gold
But He'd already paid the price

The lines have fallen for me
In pleasant places
I have a Beautiful Inheritance indeed
I'd still be searching, lost and wandering the streets
If He had not adopted me

My Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills
He put the stars in the sky
I know that He has loved me, and He always will
Though there may be no reason why

The lines have fallen for me
In pleasant places
I have a Beautiful Inheritance indeed
Though I may never be an heiress on these streets
I know that heaven waits for me

My Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills
But I'm an orphan on the streets

Be Careful With Me

2009-05-05T12:55:00.002-05:00

All the girls working overtime
Telling you everything is fine
All the girls in the beauty shops
Girls' tongues catching the raindrops

All the girls that you'll never see
Forever a mystery
All the girls with their secret ways
All the girls who have gone astray

Be careful how you bend me
Be careful where you send me
Careful how you end me
Be careful with me

There's something to be said for being thought of as delicate. Something wonderful and endearing when there's someone who feels you need protecting. Even more wonderful when they take it upon themselves. I've never been crazy about the word precious, especially not when it's describing me, but today I wouldn't mind someone walking me through a crowd with their hand at my back.

Maybe it's all the Patty Griffin I've been listening to recently or the red housewife heels I'm wearing today, but whatever it is makes me want to bake pies and pack someone's lunch.

I'm the weirdest 19 year old on the planet.

Beautiful Inheritance

2009-05-04T00:40:00.000-05:00

Who Wouldn't Want a Devestatingly Handsome, Corny, Jesus-Loving British Cowboy?

2009-05-02T22:59:00.001-05:00

One of these days I hope I'm completely swept off my feet by someone who knows what they're doing with a broom. He'd better have a good catching arm too, because I fall pretty hard and fast.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been thinking about what I want in my future husband - revising the list. I've decided that I'm done trying to make it easier on the prospective suitors. If he's the right one, he won't quit easy and I won't have to adjust the list much to tailor fit him. And if that's not the case then I'll find out soon enough - but for now I'm sticking with my requirements.

Whoever-He-Is will:
~Love and fear the Lord
~Love his family
~Be a strong spiritual leader
~Know who I am, what I'm about and love me both because of and in spite of it all
~Be humble
~Be compassionate and generous
~Be gentle
~Be willing to admit failures and seek wise counsel
~Have control of his temper
~Understand that I'm not perfect, and won't be on this earth
~Long for the kingdom to come, and to glorify God in this one
~Have a heart for missions (across the street and the sea)
~Have a servant's heart
~Hope for children and long for the opportunities to be a loving, godly father
~Is wise with his resources
~Recognize how difficult I am to deal with, love it and embrace it with all his heart
~Make me go weak in the knees from time to time

It won't hurt if he:
~is devestatingly handsome
~is musically inclined or gifted
~reads real boks
~is corny (I'm looking for corny in my life)
~enjoys a good black and white movie (Disney too...)
~is athletic - or at least tries
~is the type to pick my favorite flowers instead of buy me roses
~writes letters (or anything at all really)

Bonus points if he:
~happens to be a cowboy
~has a cute foreign accent
~is financially comfortable
~wants to travel
~wants to live in the country

This is fun.. I'm gonna think about him more often.

Run to Me

2009-05-02T22:51:00.001-05:00

Let the little children come to me
Do not slow them as they run to me
The kingdom of heaven belongs to these
Let them come
Let them run

The eyes of a child fully see the Father's face
The heart of a child fully feels the Father's grace
Open arms of a child beg the Father to stay
So let them come
Let them run to me

Watch their faith as they come to me
Learn their ways as they run to me
Surely the kingdom belongs to these that come
With them run

With the eyes of a child you can see the Father's face
With the heart of a child you can feel the Father's grace
Open arms of a child beg the Father to stay
Let them come
With them run to me

"I Tell You The Truth..."

2009-04-16T23:57:00.004-05:00

trans⋅par⋅ent

-having the property of transmitting rays of light through its substance so that bodies situated beyond or behind can be distinctly seen.

- hon⋅es⋅ty

-freedom from deceit or fraud.

gen⋅u⋅ine

-free from pretense, affectation, or hypocrisy;

We live in a world of shadows and curtains pulled. It is expected to hide your imperfections, wounds, and scars. Those things aren't pretty and you might scare someone. It is normal to push your mistakes, sins, and misdeeds underneath the rug or into a closet. It's ok to just put on your make up and mask the odors with perfume.

We so often ignore the call to transparancy and the command of honesty in order to save face. Afterall, it's all about looking good right? As long as the apple is red and shiny, who cares if you're rotting at your very core? Ignorance is bliss and if they don't know they're eating worms it won't hurt them.

I long for a paradigm shift in the hearts and minds of this generation. I want to see through your walls and past your sunglasses. I want to see you take off your masks and throw away your filters. No one is strong. No one is perfect. Not in and of themselves. It's impossible. So why pretend?

How soon we forget that these flaws are our best. On our own, even our righteousness is filthy rags. We are only lovable because He loves us.

These masks and disguises are weighing us down and tying our souls to the very things we wish to hide from the light. By hiding it all away we're giving it license to run rampant through our inner workings. Hurting? Don't show your weakness - just let it drown you in the dark. Lost in sin? Don't show your shame - just let it strangle you behind closed doors. Broken? Don't show your flaws - just let your heart crumble in silence. Better these outcomes than the possibility of being pitied, rejected, or criticized.

No. The truth, not a pretty version of the truth - but the Honest, Transparent, Genuine truth, will set you free. The truth isn't always nice. It may not always taste sweet on the way down, but it is good. In the end the truth, and how you've used it, is what really matters. Not your excuses and pretty painted lies - those will fade, but the truth will stand.

Tonight, I rejoice in my weakness because where weakness abounds, His strength is made that much more evident. I want to be transparent. I want to be genuine. I hope and pray that when you look at me you don't see me, but rather Christ in me.

Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
Psalm 51

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
1 Corinthians 13:6

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."
John 3:20&21

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Love Without Limits

2009-04-10T22:35:00.005-05:00

Sometimes I just need to get in the car and drive till the road has hypnotized me and I don't have to think about anything anymore.

There are days that I need to take an hour and a half for lunch and not tell anyone else in the world where it is that I'm going.

There are moments that I really just need to go sit in the bathroom for a minute or two and let the frustration marinate and give my mind a minute to process things before I respond.

There are nights that I need to walk straight from the car, to the door, to my room and shut the door.

There are weeks that I might keep more friends by turning off my phone than answering it.

This week was one of those weeks. Today was one of those days. Tonight is one of those nights. I've had lots of those moments this whole week and right now, I just need to let it go.

No man is an island and girls can't even be sandbars.

It is so easy to get caught up in your own little bubble and all your little issues. It's absolutely nothing to turn a molehill into this enormous mountain that is clearly more important than anything or anyone else. We very easily shut off our receptors to the rest of the world and some rather important things fly past us.

Not things, but people. Everyday we have an opportunity to make an impact in the lives of the people around us. It's as simple as paying attention to the way someone answers a question. It's almost always there in black and white. You don't have to be a proffesional, you just have to be human and realize they are too.

I've been hearing alot about boundaries recently. "You need to draw the line. You need to have your time. You need to make it clear that you're not obligated to go any farther than necessary. Meet them halfway, if they go %49, don't go %51. Stand your ground. You need your space." I pray the day that I start living like that never comes. I don't need my space. I don't deserve the space that my body takes up in this world. I don't deserve the time it takes me to take my first breath in the morning.

I pray that I never think that my space, time or needs are more important than the needs of my fellow man, the needs of my brother's and sister's in Christ. The day that my comfort or sanity is more important than what God has said in His word is His will for my life will be a sad day indeed. Comfort is so dangerous, so very fatal.

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then
he will sit on his glorious throne. Before him will be gathered all the nations,
and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep
from the goats. And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the
left. Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed
by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the
world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me,I was in prison and you came to me.' Then the
righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed
you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and
welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison
and visit you?' And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did
it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal
fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not
visit me.' Then they also will answer, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry
or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to
you?' Then he will answer them, saying, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did not do
it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.' And these will go
away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."

Anything To Do With It At All

2009-04-08T22:59:00.002-05:00

I don't want to go too far
I don't want to hurt you again
So I can't really trust my heart
With "this time could be different"

Maybe last time I was just afraid
Of what might happen, what I'd want to say
Maybe then I wasn't old enough
Or wise enough, or strong enough
Maybe trusted in myself too much
Thought I had anything to do with it at all

Who am I to even think
That you might walk in my direction
I can't really trust my heart
When searching for perfection

Maybe last time I was just afraid
Of what might happen, what I'd want to say
Maybe then I wasn't old enough
Or wise enough, or strong enough
Maybe trusted in myself too much
Thought I had anything to do with it at all

Give Me Your Ear, Oh Lord, and Help Me (You Alone)

2009-03-25T00:49:00.002-05:00

Oh this day! This day, this day, this day.... This week... It's only Wednesday, and just barely that. I just don't know how so many things can just.. happen like this. I don't want a rewind, fast forward, or skip button. I want a pause button. I just want to make everything chill for like.. 12 hours so that I can sleep. Sleep and clean my car. It's really just stressing me out right now. I don't understand how I'm functioning. I'm sure people do this everyday and maybe I'm being super pathetic about it, but really I just don't understand how my legs have not turned to jello and caused me to crash in a wobbly pile on the floor.

I wanna watch Glenn Beck. That's completely unrelated to the rest of this blog. I just really want to watch the 7 episodes of The Glenn Beck Program I haven't seen yet.(Yeah.. I know.. it's ridiculous)

I was driving home around 10:30 and decided I should go to the grocery store to get some snack food/ drinks for work this week. I was so tired that I walked around Brunos for a good 20 minutes with absolutely no clue what I was looking for or even really why I was there. I was in such a trance.

Then I drove the next 10 minutes home and the disc in my car changed to a mix I've entitled "Chill Music". Mostly Fernando Ortega and Ginny Owens (Ten Shekel Shirt, Michael Card, Switchfoot... great stuff). It's the same mix I made for Charlie Richburg last year...

The song that came on "O God, You Are My God" from Fernando Ortega's Shadow of Your Wings" cut straight to my heart.
I realized (and have been realizing) that I'm not really tired. I've been tired before and this is not "tired". This is "hungry" and "thirsty" and desperate yearning for that which sustains my soul. I've been getting by (dwindling away to nothingness) on energy drinks and frozen meals (both in reality and in this metaphor) and I need some water. I need some meat. I need some vegeatables. My body and my soul just can't take it any more. There is no water. There is no meat, or vegetables. None of them within my reach. They're so far away and I feel like i'm crawling towards them with an angry gorilla chained to my ankle runnning in the opposite direction.

And I haven't researched it yet, but I'm pretty sure this is from a Psalm. Olan has been teaching about David in Sunday School recently -- I'm really enjoying learning more and participating in the discussion about him. Anyways -- I remember him saying that you don't hear David rashly acting or speaking out towards those who do wrong to him, but in the Psalms you find prayers where he just pours his heart and soul out on the table, arguing his case before God. He clings to God with every little bit in him while the ravenous lion (badger. stinking badgers) is roaring, and ripping at his door. And then he's at peace and watches God work. He does as he's led and just trusts that the rest will come.

I wanna be like that. I'm going to be like that. I just am. I need to sleep, but this is more important right now. I'm just so thirsty.

Oh, God, you are my God. Earnestly, I seek you.
My soul thirsts for you. My flesh yearns for you.
In a dry and weary land, where there is no water.

I remember you at night, through the watches of the midnight,
in the shadow of your wings, I sing because you help me.
My soul clings to you, and your hand upholds me.

You alone. You alone. You alone. You alone.

A Million Pieces

2009-03-22T23:27:00.002-05:00

Teach me your way, O LORD,
that I may walk in your truth;
unite my heart to fear your name.
-Psalm 86:11

There's a devil on my shoulder
Says I'll be better when I'm older
"Go on, be a little bolder
Than that angel in your ear
Just ignore this time you're wasting
It's a better life you're tasting"
Consequences I'll be facing
Seem to fade and dissapear

Bits and shards of broken words
Fly between my mind and soul
What I know and what I've heard
Are simply parts of the whole

I'm a sinner, but a saint
I am walking, but I'm lame
I'm in a million peices
I've heard the angels singing glory, honor, fame
I've felt the demons tearing, shaking, burning at my frame
Lord, I'm in a million peices
Unite my heart to fear Thy name

Onions Have Layers, Redheads Have Lists

2009-03-18T10:37:00.002-05:00

It's always so strange to me coming to write after being swallowed up in things I wish I had time to write about. I never know where to start because there is no beginning.
On the bright side, blogs are like good friends that live far away. Always happy to see you and will pick up the conversation wherever you like. You can leave out whatever you like and no one even cares. There's no pressure to say more than you feel like sharing.

We'll start from the surface and work in.

I love my job. It's the most wonderful thing in the world. I love having somewhere to be and having things to do. I love that my random talents are all being used. I love that I get to work with my best friend. I love the fun, stupid things we do in the warehouse. It's amazing.

I'm really excited about moving in with Kaylor, Claire (and Ashleigh?). I want the little blue house with tulip trees and the little boy next door. It'll feel really good to pay rent and have bills and be a grownup (I'll probably eat those words later)

You find out who really wants to be your friend when you no longer have the ability to aggressively pursue many relationships. The ones who aren't real interested may say that they want to be around, but fall away eventually. I'm sure there are those who are simply drowned in their own stuff(which I fully understand and can empathize with) but there are others who could, but don't care. You find out who you really care about when you're working and can't be with them and you find yourself longing for their company, a text message, a voice mail -- anything. I've been finding these things out recently. They don't hurt as much as I thought they would. There's peace in my heart.

I see who it was that really broke my heart now. It wasn't who I thought it was. It wasn't who I've always blamed it on. It wasn't just once. It was no one, and it was "the" one. And sometimes it was my own naiveté and stubborn soul.

It's still all broken up and weepy when I stop and think. It's not very often though, because I'm kinda busy. I'm on my way to recovery, though I wish I wasn't healing all by myself. It's my fault -- I can't share that to anyone because I don't know how to explain it. It's a burden I can only share with the girl who reads my thoughts off my eyes. I can't share it with you because you're so far away and can't see me anymore even when you're close.

I need to paint a bedroom and buy a bed.
I need to wear a new dress.
I need to discover a charm bracelet or a pewter pendant.
I need to be in pictures that make me look like a '50s housewife.
I need to ride on a long interstate with my blue Ford hat on and my windows down.
I need to finish writing that song about wishing.
I need to clean out my car.
I need to decoupage something old, wooden, and painted green.
I need to take a deep breath.
I need to give your long sleeve shirt back.
I need to stop sleeping with a teddy bear.
I need to take a nap in a field in England.
I need to clean up my friends list.
I need to sharpen my pencils.
I need to wear and apron and bake snickerdoodles. Alone. For a boy.
I need to stop listening to songs that make me sad, lonely, rememember, loathe her, miss you, angry with you,and hope for that which is irresponsible, naive, and unlikely.
I need to pick violets.
I need to bring flowers to my friends.
I need to write a letter to someone who'll write one back
I need to take my next lunch break at the closest library.
I need to re-order checks.
I need a new pair of shoes. Boots. I need my own pair of boots.

I want my recurring day dream to come true. The nice one, not the one that hurts.

I will stop listening to the part that says I'm being silly and just let my heart be a little ridiculous because -- well -- Love is ridiculous. It doesn't make sense to wanna be there when they don't. It doesn't make any sense to keep no record of wrongs. And it is certain foolishness to die for someone who wouldn't help you out of a chair, let alone die in YOUR place.

I am staying on my hill. I am building a house. I am hanging a swing in the tree. The "No Trespassing" sign has been in the trash for some time now.

Brand New Day

2009-03-07T15:54:00.001-06:00

I can be whoever I wanna be
I can see whoever I wanna see
In the mirror

Cuz I’m not bound by your advice
And I’m not tied to scheduled flights

I can spread my wings and take to the skies
A brand new day is what this looks like
I can be whoever I wanna be
And if that person just happens to be me
Then I can just be me

I can wander down this open road
Let my heart choose wherever it wants to go
On this journey

Cuz I’m not bound by dots and lines
On your folded map of life

I can spread my wings and take to the skies
A brand new day is what this looks like
I can be whoever I wanna
And if that person happens to be me
Then I can just be me

Little Sister

2009-03-07T15:53:00.000-06:00

She takes a picture of a flower
She could sit there for hours and hours
And she would never get bored

She takes the dogs out for a run
Just enjoying the endless sun
In the sky, that’s the life

And she would ask me every time
If I could maybe give her a ride

Will you roll the windows down
Turn up the music and drive around
The streets, just you and me

If you play that stupid song
One more time I’ll tag along
On your date, and you know I can ruin it

Play some Blondie, or some Queen
Heck I’d settle for James Dean
He was cool, even if your not

And she would ask me every time
If maybe this time, she could drive

Can I roll the windows down
Turn up the music and drive around
The streets, just you and me

Grow Up With Me

2009-03-05T00:40:00.002-06:00

Hey will you grow up with me
We could make a nice little family
Maybe we could talk about forever

Sure sounds nice, don’t you agree
Hey will you grow old with me
Let’s buy a pair of rocking chairs together

We can chase the sun as it falls
Staying side by side through it all

We can still be wild and free
Even when we’re forty three
I’ll lay you down to dream

When we’re senior citizens
And we’ve got wrinkles in our skin
We’ll seize the day, cuz we don’t have forever

We will still be young at heart
And you and I will never part
Cuz we know that we’re better off together

Sit and watch the sun rise and fall
Staying side by side through it all

We can still be wild and free
Even when we’re eighty three
I’ll lay you down to dream

After you and I turn grey
We’ll look back at yesterdays
And cherish every one we shared together

When we’re shriveled up and small
We’ll smile as we think of all
The words we used that promised us forever

Sit and watch the sun rise and fall
Staying side by side through it all

We will still be wild and free
Even when we’re ninety three
I’ll lay you down to dream

When we’re at those pearly gates
We’ll fly through on roller skates
And bear the saints rolling eyes together

Imagine all the fun we’ll have
Making Paul and Peter laugh
Wrap your mind around living forever

Do you think the sun will rise and fall
We’ll be side by side through it all

We will still be wild and free
Even on the golden streets
I’ll lay you down to dream

Hey There Elijah (hey, there aren't that many 3 syllable guys names)

2009-03-04T15:02:00.003-06:00

Hey there Elijah
What’s it like in Birmingham
I’m like a hundred miles away
But boy, you know, you’re still the man
I’m thinking of
There is no other I could love
Half this much

Hey there Elijah
Don’t you worry ‘bout the miles
You know each time that I get lonely
It’s still you that makes me smile
Like a kid
Remember all those crazy things we did
Way back when

Oh, it’s what you do to me

Hey there Elijah
I know each day is harder still
They say that we won’t go the distance
But we both know that we will
Just stay the course
We’ll reach that day we’re longing for
All that and more

Hey there Elijah
There’s so much I haven’t said
Sometimes it seems this life we’re living’s
From I book that I once read
When I was small
The girl with the prince in love would fall
It’s always better when he’s tall

Oh, it’s what you do to me

A hundred miles is pretty far
And I ain’t even got a car
I’ll walk to you cause there’s no other way

Our siblings still make fun of us
But we’ll just laugh along because
We know that they’ll be in our place someday

Elijah I just can’t blame you
If once this stupid song is through
You’ll never ever look at me the same
Because it’s lame

Oh, it’s what you do to me

Hey there Elijah
I won’t tell you not to miss me
Two more years till you are through with school
Then we’ll be making history
Seem like new
Don’t know where I’d be without you
We’ll go wherever we want to
Hey there Elijah, here’s to you
This one’s for you

Fire and Ice

2009-03-02T00:23:00.001-06:00

It’s been a rather marvelous day. First of all, I walked out the door this morning completely forgetting it was supposed to snow. Perhaps I just didn’t fully believe there would ever be snow - who knows. Regardless, I stepped out into the winter wonderland .. In boots. I wouldn’t have had it any other way though. J I love my boots. (EmKay’s boots… I love EmKay’s boots)

Snow is a wonderful, wonderful thing. It’s absolutely glorious to me that something as simple as flakes of frozen water can make your entire day. I love seeing which of my friends are young at heart (you know the ones -- the ones that get in snowball fights, construct snow families, and turn anything flat and sturdy into a sled). I love realizing that 95 percent of my friends fall into that category. I wrote a song about snow. It’s silly and corny and wonderful.

I made a snow dog, and I wrote “Jesus <3’s You!” in huge letters of snow on the back porch of the Mountain View Building. Also, I made a snowman in the parking lot of Zaxby’s.

“Blaze, Spirit, Blaze .. Set our hearts on fire…”

We sang those words in church tonight and I felt that fire licking at the corners of my soul. It felt like drinking a whole thermos of hot coffee after playing in the snow for hours.
I’ve had similar feelings all through the last few weeks. It’s like quenching an unquenchable thirst over and over again. Like every sip you take is the first one after the desert and yet you’re still reeling from the flavor of the last one.
It’s funny how the living water is something that satisfies, yet you continue to thirst for it.

I’m itching to GO and DO something like they’re doing… Every time I think about it my heart leaps and does all sorts of acrobatics. So I’m praying and praying.

“Here I am… Send me…”

Sunny Day In February

2009-02-23T17:50:00.001-06:00

You’re real pretty but you’re cold as ice
Like a sunny day in February
Your eyes were blue as a summer sky
Should’ve listened when they said beware the view
It isn’t true

But you were waiting so I ran outside
Forgot my coat, forgot my mind
When I found I could see my breath
You left me there to freeze to death

You’re a pretty picture but you’re heart’s not right
You’re a sunny day in February
There’s no warmth behind your light
Fooled me once, now I’m prepared for you
I know the truth

You can wait, but I’m staying inside
I’ll bind my broken heart in time
And one day something’s gonna give
And you’ll see you’re frozen stiff

You’re real pretty but you’re cold as ice
You’re a sunny day in February

Broken For You

2009-02-23T17:35:00.001-06:00

Walking through the villages
The fields of helpless lambs
Searching for a shepherd
With steady, guiding hand
Finding just another sheep
Where'er I turn my head
Where will my people go
If by no one they are led

I see their pain
And I wanna take it away
I see their tears
And I wanna wipe 'em away
I see their sickness
And I wanna take it on myself
My heart is broken for you
And My arms are open to you

Father forgive them
For they know not what they do
As they place a crown of thorns
Upon the King of Jews
"Jesus, remember me!"
The cry from a neighbor cross
Today he will go with me
But the other man's still lost

I see his pain
And I'm trying to take it away
I see his tears
And I'm trying to wipe 'em away
I see his sinful heart
And I'm taking it on myself
My body is broken for you
And my arms are open for you

Standing on your own feet
In the presence of the Lord
Begging for forgiveness
For your thoughtless, sinful words
But I never knew you
And you never called my name
So you must depart from me
In the same way that you came

I saw your pain
And I tried to take it away
I saw your tears
And I tried to wipe 'em away
I saw your sinful heart
And I took it on myself
When my body was broken for you
My arms were reaching out to you

You may not think
That He knows you,but He loves you
He's been there right from the start
He's been watching, singing over you
Though he knew you would break His heart

He sees your pain
And He wants to take it away
He sees your tears
And He wants to wipe 'em away
He sees you sickness
And He's taken it it on himself
His body was broken for you
His heart was broken for you

His arms are still open...

Waffle House and the Holy Spirit -- Part 1:Becky

2009-02-20T14:17:00.002-06:00

I intended to write this on Saturday. Then more things happened and I decided to wait till Sunday. Then even better things happened so I pushed it to Monday. Then I had a case of the Mondays and almost decided not to write anything at all because of the terrible day I had just had.
On Tuesday I finally set out to write an account of the weekend and its events only to be assaulted with distraction after distraction after… Ooh a squirrel. Yay ADD.
Wednesday, I had a migraine and didn’t do…anything.
Thursday morning I ate a balanced breakfast and watched Neil Cavuto. Then I read almost all of the stimulus bill and educated myself on Socialism(simply for the sake of knowing what everyone‘s talking about). In the afternoon I baked Scottish Shortbread Cookies and recounted some recent events to Kathleen. Then I learned how to salsa (the dance, not the dip - though occasionally there were dips involved), taught Chartlon how to polka (the dance, not the dots), and thoroughly embarrassed myself when it came to swing (the dance, not the abomination -- though some may call my moves abominable). When I got home I had to clean the kitchen, so I salsa danced with my Swiffer till it died and continued to salsa afterwards.

So now, since my “precious”, little, annoyingly curious schnauzer ate half a Dove chocolate bar and is whining to be let out of his crate so that he may reek havoc, I can not sleep. I can not sleep, so I will write.
(I’m in such a writing mood… hence the forever long intro.)

A few weeks ago my church (Briarwood Presbyterian) held three classes to teach a new method of explaining the gospel using just one verse that was simple, direct, and relatively easy to understand. All you need is the verse, a pen and something to write on. I’ve been praying about how I could best utilize this tool and for some time sort of felt like it was pretty useless to me - most of the people on my “top 5” list had been raised in the church and had heard this all before. So I asked God to show me how I could use it, or anything really to really show them what it’s all about. I asked him to not just give me opportunities but to smack me in the face with them so
that there would be no mistaking, or missing one.

Be careful what you pray for…

Last Friday night I left the house around 10:30 to go hang out with my brother at his new apartment, but his plans changed, so I decided to go make cupcakes with EmKay instead. She was still out on her date with Jared though, and I had some time to waste so I made a pit stop at my favorite restaurant -- you guessed it, Waffle House. I was by myself and felt sort of awkward just sitting there eating my hash browns staring at the cleverly worded signs for hours, so I took the only book I had with me (my green ESV Bible). My waitress seemed a bit busy so I sat on a bar stool and started flipping through my bible, told her I had plenty of time - no rush.

The first thing Becky (waitress) said to me was, “Hey, is that an English Standard Version?”
You wanted a chance? You got it. Don’t let it pass you by.

“Uh.. Yeah. Yeah it is.” As she rushed to help another customer, I was definitely a little dazed. Like… ‘Did she really just ask me that?’

Throughout the next hour or so we had tiny snippets of conversation all revolving around different churches she had visited looking for the right one. I told her about Briarwood and asked if she’d ever visited. She hadn’t - thought it was too big and intimidating.
Ask her Anna. Come on, tell her you’ll go with her.
I didn’t ask.

There was another Waffle House employee who kept coming in and out of the conversation. He had been to a few of these churches with her and while her attitude towards them seemed one of disappointment and frustration, his was more of a mockery(honestly, I don‘t blame him - I‘ve been there myself).

To make a long story slightly shorter than it could be, it became apparent to me that she was looking to be convinced that Christianity is something more than an act people wake up early for on Sundays or a crutch when something goes wrong that you put back in the closet once you’re healed. It seemed that he would not be convinced - that his heart was rather hardened. There were several times that I really disagreed with the things he said, but kept my scaredy cat mouth shut.

You always have to do things the hard way, don‘t you?

My pen that I had been doodling on my napkin with busted. All over my hand. My favorite pen, with the inscription on it from 7th grade, that had been available this whole time to use as a tool to share with this girl… busted. “Lovely,” I thought, “just lovely.” When I returned from washing what I could off of myself I saw Becky leaning beside the grill sort of playing with her apron.

She’s not busy anymore. You have nowhere else to go, nothing else to talk about, and nothing else to do. I’ve practically arranged this one on a silver platter, garnish and all. Stop procrastinating and just…show… her.
“But I don’t have a… “
Oh stop it. She’s a waitress. Trust me. She has a pen.
“Ok, ok. I get it. Gimme a second to remember it all.”
What makes you think you’re going to? You can’t even remember what you ate for breakfast this morning. Go ahead, test me. I’ll give you the words. Just do it now, while you have the chance.
“But it’s so awkward. I don’t even know her. She’s working…”

“Hey, do you need a pen?” Ha, ha, ha. Very funny. OK, I get you. Loud and clear.

Thank you, a pen would be awesome. Actually, do you have a few minutes so that I can show you something I learned the other day in church?” I had to look up the verse. (D’oh. There is no Romans 23:6, you dyslexic genius. Nope, but that last portion of Romans 16 sure did calm your nerves, didn‘t it? Yeah, gotta love your sense of humor working with your incredible timing.) I fumbled terribly with the questions and couldn’t draw to save my life, but it’s cool because every time I really started to get lost she piped up with a cool observation or was called to her other table and I had time to refocus. I’m telling you it’s a miracle that she understood through all my scribbles and jumbled up questions.

After I finished the diagram, we talked about it some more and she asked me if I could show it to the other waiter… And the cook. So I did. Mostly because she had already called them over.
You said to slap you in the face with opportunitieS… that’s plural - here’s plural.

It went exponentially smoother than before and they seemed to grasp it, but still were rather skeptical. Everyone started getting really busy with customers.
By this time it was late. Really late. So I kinda asked if I could go on now before I messed it up… waited… nothing. So I wrote down my phone numbers, email address, Myspace page… left it with my payment and tip, waved goodbye and walked out. Shaking… Totally shaking.

Skip Saturday.

Sunday morning, I‘m getting ready for choir, 6 am, my cell phone buzzes. Text message from an unknown number. “Hey Anna! This is Becky from Waffle House. My shift ends at 7 - what service are you going to at Briarwood? I’d love to come with you”

See? Wasn’t that easy?

So Becky came with me to Sunday school, Church and lunch afterwards. Along with her friend Brie. She says she’ll come again, Brie too.

Ask and it shall be given. My Father will send a Counselor in my name to remind you of what I have said. Go, NOW and make disciples - speak My Word boldly - even to the ends of the earth.

Yes, even to Waffle House.

Take It and Run

2009-02-12T02:51:00.000-06:00

You drive me kinda crazy, but mostly I’m crazy for you
If you call me baby, I’ll give you a nickname too
We can keep on talking, or we can just walk down the road
Long as I’m with you, doesn’t matter where I go

Cuz when I’m with you there’s a smile on my face
So I’m with you each and every day

If there’s a way then we’re gonna make it
If there’s a chance then we’re gonna take it
Baby come on, let’s take it and run away

Till you came around, didn’t know life could be so grand
If you ever asked, you know you could take my hand
And even though can’t buy my favorite flowers at the store
You picked about a million and brought them to my front door

You keep doing the craziest things
My sister thinks that you’re buying a ring

If there’s a way then we’re gonna make it
If there’s a chance then we’re gonna take it
Baby come on, let’s take it and run away

You know I hate surprises, but you just won’t give it away
I think that I’ll explode if you make me wait one more day
You drive me kinda crazy, but I drive you crazy too
Don’t know why you’re nervous, you know I’m gonna marry you

Cuz when I’m with you there’s a smile on my face
I wanna be with you for the rest of my days

If there’s a chance then we’re gonna make it
If there’s a chance then we’re gonna take it
Baby come on, let’s take it and run away
Yeah, we could get married and run away
Baby, let’s take it and run away

Whenever I Look At You (listen @ www.myspace.com/annahope17 )

2009-02-10T11:52:00.000-06:00

What do you see
When you look at me
What do you hear
When my voice reaches your ear
Baby do you feel that love is real
And do you feel that way for me
She asked him quietly

I see the stars in the sky
That God used for your eyes
That’s what I see
I don’t hear your words
I taste them, they’re honey
Begging me to believe
I don’t have to feel that love is real
Cuz I know that ours is true
That’s what I see
Whenever I look at you

Baby do you feel
The same for me
Do you know what it’s like
When your heart is
Beating so fast
You can feel the thunder in your veins
And if I asked you what you see
Would you say to me

I see the stars in the sky
That God used for your eyes
That’s what I see
I don’t hear your words
I taste them, they’re honey
Begging me to believe
I don’t have to feel that love is real
Cuz I know that ours is true
That’s what I see
Whenever I look at you

When I look at you there’s a fire in my soul
When I take your hand I start to fall
Deeper in this love like a cannon ball
Just look in my eyes and you’ll see it all

I see the stars in the sky
That God used for your eyes
That’s what I see
I don’t hear your words
I taste them, they’re honey
Begging me to believe
I don’t have to feel that love is real
Cuz I know that ours is true
That’s what I see
Whenever I look at you

Just Not Worth It

2009-02-07T00:52:00.002-06:00

It's not worth it to sit in my corner and mope. It's not worth it to shut myself off from the world because I'm hurt and have made an idiot of myself. It's not worth it to obsess over every detail like that will change anything.

It's not worth it to let this get to me and prevent me from living.

You're worth plenty, but this isn't.

I'll still be here, and you know that. Whether you like it or not :) lol.

I hope you're happy.

Why'd Ya Sing Hallelujah If It Means Nothing To Ya

2009-02-06T16:39:00.003-06:00

Those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I know about: that's what made her my wife. Oh she had the goods on me too, she knew all my little peccadilloes. People call these things imperfections, but there not. Ah, that's the good stuff.
--Good Will Hunting

Some days I feel like I'm waiting for something that's just never going to happen. I feel like a fool for tossing my heart to you thinking you'd actually catch it. I feel like that poor kid who stays on as equipment manager hoping that one day the coach will see him fooling around on the field after practice and finally put him in as catcher.
Actually I pretty much feel like this every single day.

But there are moments...
There are moments when I remember one of those weird little things you did. I remember that you'd have these little muscle spasms when you were napping. I remember that time we read Candide and you couldn't pronounce "Cunégonde" or any of the other names, but you didn't care because you were reading in the stupidest voice I ever heard. Neither one of us kept a straight face, even though you claim to practice yours in the mirror. Once it broke, you couldn't bring it back.
There are moments when I wake up and want to call you because hearing your voice, even if you were annoyed with me, would calm me enough to let me go back to sleep.
There are hours that I listen to that set of songs on repeat because of where they take me.
I have 5 Damien Rice albums. I've only listened to three songs in the last 5 months or so. You know which ones. I even learned how to play one of them on the guitar...
Oh, and the kicker -- I still cry when the wind blows because I can't not remember sitting on the curb not understanding what was going on.

But you don't, do you? You don't think about any of it anymore. You don't miss me. I'm just a punch line.

That's how I feel most days at some point or another. But there's this other part of me that won't really believe that. There's another part still that refuses to back down even if that is true. Which, I realize, is sort of sick. I never said I was well.

You don't even know. You never read this. You've proabably forgotten most of everything. Probably too busy pushing someone else away before they can leave.

I'm in an interesting mood today. Probably best just to leave me be.

Less Than 25 Things

2009-02-06T11:59:00.000-06:00

Can I just say that I really love how everyone is like "ugh do I have to" with these 25 things Notes?! I love it more when they actually write some really interesting things in them. As for those of you boycotting them or saying that the existance of such things are a testamony to the fact that no one has real relationships anymore... well yeah... I mean you're on Facebook -- the fact that we have created an entirely cyber world that makes it possible to know everything about someone without ever seeing them did that.

I think that they're cool. I would most definitely rather have a face to face discussion with someone and have these things come out over time, but chances are it just won't happen. We've packed our schedules so full that we don't have time for relationships. We don't have time to catch lunch with an old friend, we don't have time to cultivate our friendships. Having these "social" networks makes us feel better about that because then we can at least have a plug in on what's going on with everyone in their busy little worlds.

Some people choose to boycott these networks in hopes that things will change. I think it's kind of silly personally. Honestly, do you think that deleting your Facebook account is going to make your friends less busy? Do you really believe that if you refuse to have a conversation online that it means you'll have the opportunity to have one face to face? No. It's just not. You'll just lose touch completely. Which'll be great for your schedule.. I mean, you'll clear that right up.

As for me, I'm just takin advantage of the multiple lines of communication that the internet has opened up. I live half an hour + from almost all of my friends, so getting together with people is a bit of struggle. I call my friends rather than talk online most of the time, but I've only got so many minutes on my cell. So why, when I've got this avenue where I can see the 'status' of like 50 people at a time and read all about how my friends are doing, why wouldn't I take advantage of that?

Anyways. Just a few thoughts.

You and Me Both Phil, You and Me Both

2009-02-03T03:19:00.005-06:00

I've tried to write this first sentence three times. The reason I keep having to start over was because a little dog named Digory keeps pushing his nose underneath my hand so that I'll pet him. It's kind of precious. Now he's curled up in a tight little ball under my elbow. He wedged himself in there...

I have a terrible cold and I've already applied everywhere I know to apply so I just stayed inside today. Historically bad things have happened to me on Groundhog Day, it just felt safer. I spent the day being a little bit of a creeper on Facebook and digging in my friend's profiles. It's ridiculous how much you can learn about a person without ever having to have any actual conversation with them. It's the farthest thing from "social" networking.

But Groundhog Day came and went without anything incredibly terrible happening to me or anyone I know. That is unless I wake up tomorrow to a message that someone was in a terrible accident on their way to come see me, but that's highly doubtful. No one comes to see me, lol.

Looking through all those old pictures on Facebook made me rather nostalgic. I found myself missing those days. You know the ones... when everything was simple
and pure. I can see it in the pictures when the naivety started falling away. There are less pictures of me smiling and playing, while the number of pictures where I'm staring off into the distance grows.

There's one that really just says it all. I took it two Novembers ago. Up at Covenant early one Sunday morning before driving back for Sunday School I stood on the overlook and watched the sunrise. One of the pictures is way over exposed because of the way the light of the sun hit the lens and you can just barely see my form in the light. That morning I remember thinking about everything that had happened in the last two years(the boy I'd fallen for and been heartbroken about, friendships changing and disappearing, how my body was just absolutely falling apart because of the Hashimoto Thyroiditis, all the decisions I was making) and comparing it to that picture. An absolute overload of "new" from all sides that I almost lost myself in.
That was the last sunrise I remember seeing before it all came crashing down. That year ended and with February so did a chapter of my life that I have for so long wished that I could get back. It's useless because I can't - but it never stopped me from wishing.

You never think that you'll change so much, and then one day you look back and realize you don't even remember what it was like to think that saying "crap" and "stupid" were just as bad as any other profanity. You think you'll stand strong then you turn and see that girl who felt guilty about just thinking about kissing a boy and wonder what on earth happened to her. I mean one second you're making a fool of your self lip syncing to Relient K and the next...

And you can never take any of it back. Not a word, breath or second glance.

But it's ok. We aren't stuck in that rut anymore. I'm not stuck in that rut anymore. It's been taken care of too. The prosecutor served my sentence and the judge adopted me, it's all done. So I won't be dwelling in the stench of it all.

It's just so strange and heart breaking to see it all.

Away

2009-02-01T15:42:00.000-06:00

I’m here all alone just wondering how you are
Not used to singing all alone, not used to you so far
Away
I thought about writing a letter and sending it on to you
Maybe that would make me feel better, maybe that would get me through while you’re
Away

I know that you and I will be friends in the end
And I know that you’re a man on whom I can depend
But that doesn’t change that I’m afraid
And that sure don’t change that I’m gonna pray
That you don’t stay away

I did a little more than think about writing you this song
Putting paper to the ink sure helps me get along when you’re
Away
Had to find the notes that sing the emptiness I feel
Had to say the words that wring you out and start to peel you
Away

I know that you and I will be friends in the end
And I know that you’re a man on whom I can depend
But that doesn’t change that I’m afraid
And that sure don’t change that I’m gonna pray
That you don’t stay away

As long as I lack as long as I lack your precious harmony
I’ll sing baby come back baby come back to me
My simple melodies won’t amount to anything
And my lyrics will not mean a thing without you to accompany

I’ve got to find a way
For me to be ok
When you aren’t here to carry me
Away

I know that you and I will be friends in the end
And I know that you’re a man on whom I can depend
But that doesn’t change that I’m afraid
And that sure don’t change that I’m gonna pray
That you don’t stay away

Dot Dot Dot (And All That Comes Before The...)

2009-01-29T00:29:00.003-06:00

"So tell me, when did you initially begin having an interest in..."

To tell you the truth, I couldn't rightly tell you.

For as long as I can remember my head and my heart have been very similiar to those plasma balls at the McWane Center. I've got hundreds of plasma filaments reaching out from the center to the rest of the world. They're all just floating in constant chaos waiting for a hand to come close to the glass so that I can focus the current. They kept telling me that I could do anything I set my mind to. I believed them, I just realized how crazy that was. The problem isn't the "do"ing. The problem is setting my mind to it.

I could go to culinary school and absolutely love it. I could learn all the chemistry and all the different cogs and gears that make it work, and however challenging that may be -- have an absolute ball. I know I'd love the creative side -- I'm already doodling little musings and ideas for cakes and treats.

I could go to Samford and be a Music Education major. It would be hard... really, really hard. But it would be worth it. It's no secret that I'm passionate about music. I love listening to it, learning it, creating it and playing with all the possibilities. I can't tell you how influential the different music teachers in my life have been. I look up to them like some people look up to comic book super heroes and Olympic athletes. The challenge of being that kind of person, that kind of soul, would keep me on my toes.

I could do any number of things that are spinning around in this head of mine, and I'd find a way to flow all that passion into what I'm doing right then. I just keep second guessing myself on whether or not THAT choice is the choice I really want to stick with. Everyone tells you that you don't have to choose right now -- "You're young, you've got plenty of time to decide, you've got your whole life ahead of you." Yeah, I've got my whole life ahead of me, but who knows just how long that is? What if I don't want to wait a few years and then decide. What if I want to go ahead and start doing this thing so that I can suck the marrow out of every second? What if, what if, what if.. Mee-Maw always said not to "what if".

Maybe I should just go. Maybe I should just jump in, full steam ahead. Maybe... I am so completely done with 'maybe(dot dot dot)'. Can I just have a final, firm "Yes(period)" End of story? "..." is really just a question mark after all. A question mark or an "I'm not sure, but periods make me feel more secure than nothing at all"

She's a wild one alright. A wild, confused ball of electric current with no particular direction.

So I'm waiting for the hand to the glass now. The audience has filed into the observatory and the mad scientist is asking for volunteers...

I'd Like to Buy A Vowel

2009-01-24T23:22:00.002-06:00

This is so retarded! Are we seriously talking to each other via blog posts?!

For all future reference this is where I stand.
-I want to be your friend
-I've been a really sucky one as of late.
-I'm sorry, and I don't know how else I'm supposed to say that.

The only reason I said what I did last night about giving you space was because I thought that you were saying you wanted me to back off.

I've tried talking, I've tried listening, I've tried all I know how. So now I'm just waving a white flag asking you to listen when I say I have no idea what you want from me. Obviously I've been going about all this the wrong way. I just don't know what the right thing is here.

I'm sorry that I've been scattered and distant at times. I'm sorry that I'm apparently misunderstanding everything you say. I'm sorry that I screwed up over and over and over again. I'm sorry that I've been so self-involved.

I didn't mean to say that it was silly. I meant to say that it sucks. Because it does, for all parties involved.

Maybe I shouldn't even say that. Maybe I should just shut up already.

I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to, ok.