Tired of the Charade and Terrified of Reality

I'm tired of people hugging me and telling me it'll all be ok. The fact of the matter is that it's not ok right this second and that's why I'm upset. I don't feel hopeless, I just don't feel right. Nothing feels like it's supposed to and that's a problem with me, right this very moment. I could care less how things are going to be in a few years... Maybe it's just the angsty teenager finally coming out, but ya know what.. Newsflash - I am a teenager. I'm at least allowed to have a few weeks of this phase.

I'm so tired of the bar you keep setting for me. I get that you've been charged with bringing me up in the way I should go and what not, but isn't there a verse in there that says you're not supposed to exasperate your children... Set the bar, set it there and leave it there. Don't change it at your convenience like I'm playing some twisted game of limbo. They don't move it back and forth, Mom. You can't treat me like a 5 year old and expect me to act like an adult. But I'd rather that than have to guess which part I'm supposed to be playing with each and every move I make. Am I the little girl or the grown woman this morning?

I can't handle this anymore. I've never more seriously considered ending it all than I did last night. I'm supposed to be getting better. I'm supposed to feel less tired. I'm supposed to be able to remember things easier. I'm supposed to not be as cold. I'm not supposed to feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into these symptoms and their not so cheery companion. But that's how I feel.

The most frustrating thing is that I've been on the other side of this computer screen and I know all the things I'd be telling the person typing this. I'd be quoting Luther with "feelings come and feelings go...". I'd be handing over bible verses like they're cough drops. I'd be praying for all sorts of things. And yet I can seem to bring myself to listen to any of that, whether the source is the closest of friends or my own subconscious. Hearing any of it just makes me want to get very withdrawn and bitter.

I hate this version of me. I hate the back and forth. I hate the desperation. I hate it all.

I just want everything to be done with and things to be somewhat normal again.

Why You Can't Be On My List

The Other Half of the Damn Cute Couple of Yesteryear
-you smoke, drink, and do far too many things
-you don't know Him
-I'm far too prone to be your cute little girlfriend who follows you around like a sick puppy
-you know me too well
-when we talk i forget why we broke up in the first place

The Other Half of the Star Crossed Jilted Couple of Yesteryear
-you smoke and drink with so much excess I'm afraid you won't be around very long
-I know just how far I was willing to go then
-you broke my heart
-you'd do it again willingly
-you're easily angered and I'd let you walk all over me
-you don't know Him either

The Other Half of the Almost Summer Couple
-you just want a girl, any girl... it's not that you want me
-you're not as great as I thought you were
-you've got a tendancy to make me giddy that makes me stupid
-you live in another city

The Best Friend
-you don't feel them same way
-you're young enough to be too young and old enough to seem acceptable and you like to switch back and forth
-you're dead gone on that beautiful blonde
-I don't fit in your world

My Non-biological Big Brother
-you're otherwise occupied
-they'd all be right
-you're not quite strong enough to keep me grounded
-you're too old for me, I guess
-you live in another city


I guess it's back to the original list. The one with just your name on it. That list is kinda sweet, but feels pointless sometimes. I feel like quoting Charlie Brown when January comes around...
I wish it were December all year.

Bad News Out Of A Pretty Mouth

What do you do when the things you've dreampt about all your life seem to slip away faster than sand through your fingers?
And yet at the same time... new things are popping up to distract me from my lost ambitions... Nothing really concrete, just nice to think about.

I just wish I could go back and start over.

It's Just The Hurt That You Hide

It's not that I don't appreciate their sympathy or that I feel that they should be doing more.. It's not that at all. It's just not what makes it feel better. Nothing really makes it better, you know. And really... what more could they do?

I just want someone.. a particular someone, that is... to stop being so self involved and take the time to pull me out of this pit I'm digging and tell me that it really will be ok. All I want is a real hug. The kind that makes the world go away for a minute. Not a side hug or a pat on the arm that you call a hug, but a big, wrap-me-up-in-your-arms hug. It's funny.. just thinking about those hugs eases the pain a bit. Oh how I wish...

But wishing only gets you so far and almost nowhere when miles are inbetween. So I'll listen to Josh Groban telling me not to give up and pretend I believe him when he says I'm loved. I've always had a pretty good imagination... If only it was so good that I could actually convince myself that this is all just some nightmare that I can wake up from.

Somebody wake me up...

Never Say Never

I think I might need some help. The kind you make a appointments for and sometimes take medication for.
I realized that I don't sing in the shower anymore. I used to sing jazz... I don't make an effort to go do things with my friends anymore... I'd rather just sit around. If I don't feel like dealing with a person (which happens quite often these days) I just... don't pick up the phone. I never used to do that... I find myself getting physically sick when something upsets me.. little things.. Well.. big things to , but the little things never used to get to me.

I feel like I'm not the person I used to be anymore. And yeah I know people change, but not like this... this is so.. drastic.

I think I'm officially depressed and I'm actually considering asking for help... something I never ever ever do.

Spinning Out In Circles

So the decision I made before was made a little too quickly.. Who was it that said "Always be careful to never say always or never"?

I'm considering college. Considering. This is not a definate decision. I repeat -- this is NOT definite!

I still don't wanna go off to some 4 year. I don't want dorms and sororities and sports... Maybe Jeff State?

Idk... I'm just so ready for senior year to be over and so tired of people wanting to have serious in depth conversations with me about my future...

I just want to stop thinking about what I'll do to make a living and just... start living

No More Extra In My Ordinary, Please

It feels like the troubles these days come in packs. None of the simple "Take a number and please wait patiently" stuff either. You'd think I was the DMV and it was lunch time the way these situations are boiling over.
I'm just one person, ok? I appreciate that you don't understand the full extent of what's going on with me here, really I do, but I just can't deal with everything at once. It's hard enough dealing with one of you at a time these days... More than that is just unthinkable.
So if I don't react the way you expected. If it seems like I'm not listening... Could you perhaps consider that I'm not all there and that I can't do much about that? Could you cut me some slack?
While, yes, you're used to me holding the load of someone much more older and mature, I am still just 17. I think I'd like to be able to believe that for the next couple of weeks... That I'm still a teenager. For the past year (at least) I've been feeling so much older. But just now I'd like somebody to puch the reset button and send me back into my default...

For the next few days I'm just a normal 17 year old girl. I'll do school, go to youth group, and goof off with my camera at various places around town. And I'll call my best friends to talk about boys. Boys. Not health issues and insurance payments and car trouble. Boys.

And I won't be in love with any of them. I just like this one and that one. Because they're cute... But I won't love them. That's too grown up for me this week.

Nothing In The Bubble Is The Way It's Supposed To Be

I wish I could look at the pictures of me when I was happy and somehow pull the strength I had then into my current self. Instead I see my younger self's carefree smile and it makes me want to vomit. I can't make myself smile when I get like this.

I want to curl up in a ball in the tree out front and hide from everything but the flutter of birds and the smell of sticky, maple sap. But I can't. The leaves got tired of holding on, the birds flew south with the sunshine, and it's hard to smell the sap when it's cold and slow.

I always thought I was one of those people who just made the most of every season. Spring was full of beginnings, Summer was warm and adventurous, Fall had colors and wind, and winter had crisp nights and cheerful little pink cold noses... Not this year though.
I hate winter. I hate that it's cold and that I have to wear scarves and gloves and coats. I hate that I'm layering clothing. I hate knee high socks. I hate that I'm always covering up with blankets and quilts. I hate that the sky is always that dull grey/blue color. I hate the color of bark. It's so empty.

I want greens and bright little flushes of red, orange, and pink. I want the sky to be bright blue with big fluffy white clouds. I want a warm breeze. I wanna walk out on my porch in something green and sleeveless... For once in my life I actually want to wear shorts and flip-flops. I wanna ride my bike to Old Town Helena and play in the creek.
But I'm always so cold... my hands and my feet. Nothing works because it's not cold from the outside.... it's cold inside. My body can't keep me warm. It's driving me mad. It's the stupidest thing to get upset about cuz there are such worse things that could be happening but I can't help it.

This whole thing is so frustrating. I wanna be warm. I wanna be hyper and go play outside. I wanna go take pictures with friends and actually mean the smiles. I wanna remember where I put things 5 minutes after I set them down. I wanna wake up and not be groggy. I wanna be able to carry my bike down from the porch without feeling like I just picked up my car. I want my hair to be soft again and my eyelashes to stop falling out. I want the medicine to work faster and things to be normal again.
I just want to feel the joy I felt in that picture...