I'm never sure what to do after I do the hard thing. It seems there are just more hard things to follow. I can't do it alone, but I don't have to and I won't have to. Jesus got me in this - he'll hold me through it and pull me out.
As usual, Brock says it more eloquently than I can in the moment.
Quoted from Brock's note earlier...
And as much as I can't see how any of this can end good, I know it will... ...Before our trust was ever placed in him, God knew. He knew our confidence would be shattered. He knew the weight that would be on our shoulders. He knew the struggles we would face. But He also knew the way out. He can see what we cannot. He can see the light at the end of the tunnel. He can see the rope hanging down for us to grab hold of. Already Christ is climbing down into the mud we find ourselves trapped in at the bottom of this valley. Already Christ is taking a breath, plunging beneath the surface and getting below us so that we can stand on him and climb our way out. There is nothing He won't do for us. There is no limit to the shame and pain He will endure to bring us Home and to bring us life to the full. He's proven that already and we are called to trust in that.
I see that doing the right thing is really what's hard. It's trusting that God really does in fact know what he's doing, trusting that He really will do what He promises. Trusting that this leap of faith I'm taking is a leap closer to Him.
"Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither. "
-C. S. Lewis
"Some prices are just too high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart. "
-Lois McMaster Bujold
I just skimmed through some old Livejournal (does anyone else remember when that was cool?) posts from when I was 15 and in a watered down version of this situation. One post in particular is something I'm clinging on.
"He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls."
-I Peter 2:24-25
"Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all. "
-Isaiah 53:4-6
It is finished. Not until tonight did I get that. It's already paid for. I can't try and pay Jesus back for what He did. It's silly to think that what I could do would be even a single drop in the ocean. It is finished. He took all of it. what hadn't even happened yet... and it was atoned for. right then, right there. And now... Now is when He turns me around and walks me in the right direction....
That was April 14th of 2006. I remember writing it. I remember being so relieved. And yet it feels like a hundred years ago. Oh to be sitting at that computer knowing what I know now about the last few years and really standing up and walking in the right direction - really listening to His words.
But that was the past, I can't change if. However in the words of a wise baboon from a Disney film, I can learn from it. I have learned from it. So I'm dodging that stick and going back home again. Getting back to where I knew I belonged the whole time.
Praying that you're coming with me.
