Lakshmi

The care taken to specifically include rolls in her belly.

They were important. They contained the potential of the universe, her ability to feel and fulfill her desires. Yes, they signified fertility and wealth, but also contentment and possibility.

How many times was it my job to edit a client’s photo and smooth out the potential? How many poses did we invent to hide fulfilled desire? How many restrictive, painful garments did I clean for the next girl to walk in and conceal the sacred?

How often have I held them in my hands and wished it was as simple as snipping them off with scissors so I would fit a mold that mocked what used to be held as divine? How many good things, necessary things, did I deny myself in hopes of staving off their appearance? How many “one more mile”s did I run in fear of the once celebrated?

And for what? So I fit in some bullshit dress that still makes me feel like I’m not good enough? So some man, who would never be satisfied with the all of me that I gave, could glide over me unhindered? So other women would ask me how I appeared to have no need, no desire? So I would match the equally burdened on a screen or a magazine - because maybe if I do then someone will see me and want to listen?

I’m trying so fucking hard to reprogram my dumb little lizard brain that tells me all that work was for something worthwhile. I’m tired of believing that in order to earn the right to take up space in this world that I have to shrink myself, define every curve to hellish “perfection”. I hate that when someone I love touches those parts of me I immediately feel shame and guilt and embarrassment. I’m so tired of feeling like not enough and entirely too much.

He called me soft… he meant welcoming, comfortable, something he desired. 

They took such care. They exerted additional effort. They intentionally placed those folds to be worshipped, to be celebrated, to be admired and duplicated. And these pieces were preserved for thousands of years…

I’m never not going to cry when I think about that.