No Moon, No Cars, November

She sits in a white room, elevated on the paper-covered table, waiting for the results, waiting to hear that she can look forward to dropping the weight holding her down and run, or at least walk, free.

He walks in and simply says, "November."

"November?", she asked in disbelief.

"November.", he said with sincerity.

"November...", she sighed in a somewhat defeated tone of acceptance. She thought to herself what 'November' meant. 'November' meant another month of no income, bills left unpaid, crutches, and sitting at home. 'November' meant for another month she would have a reminder there on her left side that she should have been smarter, she should have avoided it somehow. At the very least she should have gaurded her vulnerable self.

On the bright side she would continue to develop that upper body strength picking herself off the ground every other second.

As she drove away from the white room she decided once again that she would not let this sentance keep her down. She would trust that the bills would somehow be provided for. She would keep busy with whatever she could. She would cheer herself by cheering someone else, as Mark Twain advised. She wouldn't dwell on the "shoulda, coulda, woulda"s she's been running over in her heart for the past three weeks.

"November will come... but I won't be waiting for it."

Five Seconds

There is an unbelievable ammount of thought swirling in my brain right now. So many things I want to get out through my fingertips, but I'm fading fast and I know in the morning I will have either forgotten the inklings or will be completely distracted by whatever popped up while I was asleep (or no as the case may be, yet again).

The point is that I've become rather talented at distracting myself with shiny new activities and good conversations. I have become an outstanding entertainer of the front portion of my brain. There are people that need to be matched, cups that need to be filled, songs to be sung, and yes-- even blogs to write.

Don't you know it's all just a cover? Please tell me that you know I've crumbled inside and this is simply my default setting. If the front part of my brain is kept busy with tasks and new, exciting things and people then I don't have to think about the pots boiling over on the back burner. They are allowed to spill out the sides and continue to burn away at my core without causing a single outward signal to go off. No tears, winces, or screams. I'm all smiles and the world doesn't have to know a thing.

The trouble with this is that the moment I step into my room, or any other place the world can't see me, the steam begins to shoot out, the kettle whistles, the lids topple off and I've got about five seconds to distract myself again before I fall and surrender myself into the hands of a spirit that tells me it's ok to just give up and let this...whatever it is overwhelmn me. Five seconds before the outer walls cave in and I'm past the point of possible return.

So I got good at it. And as soon as I publish this blog I'll have five seconds to try and fall asleep before the stream of tears pushes through the wall and gets steadily heavier until I'm sleeping in an ocean of grief and helplessness.

What kills me is I'm not the only one. I'm not even the only one I know. And people live like this. For years and years they live in this constant game of hide and seek with reality. Decades they go on in attempts to avoid that sixth second. This terrifies me more than any nightmare ever has,the thought that I could continue on in quiet, smiling, desperation.

Dear Refuge of My Weary Soul

It seems it is now a regular practice of mine to wake up in the middle of the night overwhelmed with the weight of this world. Grief, fear, loneliness, and a suffocating feeling of lostness... somehow they continue to manage overcoming me even through the walls of sleep. I am pulled from whatever rest I may have had and shown all my weaknesses, all of my insecurities, every doubt... any trembling piece of hopelessness that has seeped into me throughout the years.
And I am left more frail than I thought possible.

Every night I am brought to this thin and breakable state.


Every night something is there to bring me back. A song plays, a memory drifts back, words from hymns and choir songs, something a friend said... Like the first beam from a search and rescue party shooting through the darkness it sparks hope. Focus on that one little spark and it slowly but surely becomes a flame that licks at the loneliness, consuming it and sending it wherever things go when they are defeated.

I will cling to that hope with all that is in me until finally I am pulled back under the sweet escape of sleep. I will still cling to that hope in the morning. I will hold on for dear life all day and into the next night. The hope that You give, the knowledge that You not only know where I'm going next but You have planned every step that is to follow... This hope will not put me to shame.

I may be back here tomorrow, but I won't be left to bear my frailty in solitude.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.~Psalm 62:5 & 6

Comfort from Empty Sleeves and Stuffed Substitutes

When I awoke from the nightmare I wanted so bad to call you and hear your voice telling me that everything was going to be ok. But I couldn't, because that's not something you need to do anymore. You've got to focus on your own nightmares, you can't come running when I call for you. I can't even call for you.

So I just held onto your sweatshirt and the teddy bear you gave me for dear life. To be fair, you did tell me that you gave me the bear because you wouldn't always be able to be with me when I needed you.

I can't make this longing for you go away. I feel this empty void around me where your arms should be and it feels like I'm falling in this black hole of futility.

I don't wanna have anymore of these nightmares.

This One is Just Right

The point is relationships all have the potential to be messy. You might end up sitting in a few uncomfortable chairs, eating some intemperate porridge and perhaps even be scared away by a whole family of bears, but you've gotta put yourself out there. If Goldilocks never walks in the door, there's no story -- just an empty house.

I always feel like I'm in a middle school girls locker room when people start asking these questions. "Well how do I know if So-and-So likes me?... Hey hypothetically, if I told you that I thought you were neat would you think I was neat too?" Don't get me wrong, it's kind of adorable. I just get a real fast trip down memory lane.

Why are we so scared to tell someone that we admire them? I mean, really, what's the worst thing that could happen? It's not like your telling them that they're dying. You're telling them that they've got good qualities, that they're attractive in one sense of the word or another. It's a nice thing to hear. So why should we be so insecure about it? And what's so embarrassing about thinking these things? Everybody likes somebody -- or at least something about somebody. It's just the way we're wired.

And chances are they think many of the same things about you. And if they don't, then oh well you can move on with your day. It's just not worth it to let those things torture you.

The worst thing that can happen is that they won't reciprocate your feelings. And nobody ever died from somebody not liking them back... at least not directly.

You've Got to Know I Won't Throw Stones Your Way

I sat and wallowed today. She told me to snap out of it and that she was just like me and we both knew this wouldn't just be a one day thing so I could just quit kidding myself. I told myself I just needed one day and that after that day I'd be fine and I'd only think about it every once in awhile. Which really means like every 5 seconds since I've got this reminder attatched to my left extremity and let's face it... I'm a girl -- and an Anna at that.

I refuse to do what I always do. I'm not gunna spend a week at home feeling sorry and I'm not gunna beg and plead with God for things to be diferent. I'm going to go to Community Groups and I'm gunna play Capture the Flag (yes, in crutches). I'm not going to talk to the people I always talk to and end up crying about it again. I'm going to accept it and move on as best I can. I won't leave this kicking and screaming like before.

Because it's just more important than me right now. Way more important. And I'm gunna be ok. It's just another one of those things that I can't control, one of those things that's going to make me stronger.

I'm praying for you.You're my best friend. Nothing's changed about that.

Some Nights We (I..) Just Need a Reminder

Romans 8
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

"For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Call to Greatness

Little bursts of burning amber
Crying out from miles away
“Don’t you know there’s so much more
Than this meaningless day to day

If you could only see the sights
The beauties I have seen
You might begin to change your life
To strive towards all your dreams

There’s more than just paying bills
And fulfilling simple roles
Great things will come those who’ll run
And chase the more elusive goals

Like now, you see I’m fading fast
I’m sinking farther west
This town won’t see me till the morn’
But will you be content to rest?

Or will you choose adventure
And mount your trusty steed
Gallop towards the setting sun
Follow where it leads?

It may not be the calmest route
But if you don’t shut your eyes
You’ll leave behind the ordinary
You’ll win, and hold the prize

My Prayer For You

I want you to have the best of everything. Not just with me, but with your life and your heart. I want you to have the hope and the trust that I have(or that i try to have). I want you to be more than just happy, I want you to have the joy of the Lord and the peace that it brings.

I think about you all the time. I miss the fun we used to have together. I miss seeing you smile and meaning it. I wanna go back there and laugh at stupid jokes and make our own.

But as much as I miss all that I know that you need Him more than you need me, if you even need me at all. My prayer for you is that you'll thirst after him and that you'll seek after him with all of your heart. I hope that he'll chase after you, because I think that's what it's going to take...

Love, when He comes after you -- please follow Him. Don't be stubborn and try and do it all on your own.

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you... And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in my heart, for you are all partakers with me of grace with me... For God is my witness, how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus. And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.
-Phillipians 1:3-11

Wish He Didn't Trust Me So Much

I feel like I'm drowning.

I can't get away from any of it and it just keeps pouring in -- you'd think at some point the trouble would spill over the edge, but instead the cup just keeps getting bigger. I can't stand it much longer.

Thank God for Camp Lee coming up this weekend.

For I Am Sure

Some days I just want to stay in bed and let the world handle it's own stressful situations.

Today is not one of those days. Today I would like to completely demolish these situations. I want to meet them head on and conquer them as if they are nothing but dust.

Today I am stronger than the obstacles in my path and the insecurities of my heart.

Yesterday is gone. Today is a new day. Tomorrow will worry about itself.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

"For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

0

I felt so lonely. I sat in that hammock watching all the students and teachers go from here to there. They all had purposes. Destinations. And even the ones who didn't realy have class or anything they had to do... they just all looked like they knew what was going on and where they were headed.

I don't know where I'm going. I go to work. I go home. I go to work. I go to BCC. I go home. I go to work.
Or at least that'd be how it was if I hadn't started hanging out at Samford all the time. I'd be stuck(and sort of am) in this incredibley mundane, mediocre existance. Stuck in Alabaster. With no friends. Just co-workers who I never see after I leave the resteraunt.

I felt like those earthworms at camp that got chopped in half and seperated from it's other part and still wriggled around for a few minutes before it finally gave up and died.

Just in case you haven't picked up on this from general observance -- being alone is my greatest fear. And I can tell myself all day long that I'm never alone because He is with me, but it doesn't stop the miniature panic attacks that happen everytime I get back in the car to go home.

I started listening to my voicemails over and over again.

To replay this message, press 1, to forward this message, press 2, to send a reply, press 3, to hear the date and time this message was recieved press 5, to delete, press 7, to return the message sender's call, press 8, to save, press 9, to go back to the main menu, press *, for help, press 0.

Every Word

Every single time you said it, I believed you. And I believe that you still mean it. I hope that won't change. I really do.
I hope that you believe the words from that song. Remember that we're not the ones who wrote them and every bit of it is true.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

I'm not going to be angry with you or sad. You did the right thing.
I remember you saying that you respected her for doing the right thing because you never could. You underestimate yourself alot. Yes, you, with the ego - you underestimate yourself alot... You are capable of such amazing things. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise - especially not yourself.

You remember that key to the future I gave you awhile back? Don't hesitate to use it. Ever. I don't care what I'm doing or supposed to be doing or what day it is or what time it is -- if you need a friend or you just want to talk about anything, you had better freaking call me. Or at least text me -- even if you can't really see the screen.

Promise me you won't shut me out. Promise me that you'll let me know how things really are and not just the version you tell people. Promise me it's going to be ok.
Promise me and I'll believe every word.