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Tuesday, November 4

Time Will Tell You, Baby, What You Can't Hear Now

There are moments when words cut to your core and make you realize things you've been begging with your inner conscience not to realize. These moments often come when you least expect it, when you least want them to come.

I miss naivety.
I miss that day in my friends backyard surrounded by the colors of fall, and the sunshine, and the smiling faces, and the camera flashes.
I miss the perfect day in the waves, and the thousand questions, and the laughter, and sand in my jeans.
I miss the weight of quarters in my wallet and those orange, moldy seats never being more disgustingly wonderful.
I miss Samoas in the shade, and Billy Joel in the courtyard, and tulips as big as your head.
I miss best friends, and Batman, and Burger King playgrounds.
I miss divey Chinese, psychoanalysis in the hotel lobby and hole in the wall karaoke places.
I miss bumpy Uno games, stealing each others blankets, and talking about the apostle Paul in the front of the bus.
I miss not wearing makeup, running every morning, and carrying that messenger bag with me everywhere.
I miss being the girl who sang songs from before her time and read books like they were magazines and would rather play in the creek with the kid everybody thought was weird than do anything else.

I miss that feeling I got when I rode the bus and listened to my CD player, like I was somebody different. I was somebody like the girls in my books or the people in the songs. I was somebody people would think about long after I leave this earth, because I was gonna do great things. I was going to run for President, and bring back the oldies, and write a series of novels with some spectacular heroine that all the little girls were gonna look up to.

I'm not sure what happened along the way but something changed and I stopped being that girl. All those ambitions just faded into the background and I just sort of started surviving rather than living.

I'm not who I was or who I wanted to be. I'm not where I wanted to be. I'm not doing the things I thought I'd be doing, the things I planned to do. Part of me gave up.

Now it's just the past. I have to figure out the present, the future will have to wait for a little while. I have to learn from my mistakes and the steps that got me here. I have to adapt and work my way out.

I don't really know what to do with this. I don't know what's next. Best thing I can do is go to sleep with the peace of knowing that I'm not in control and the One who is has it under control.

1 comments:

Brock said...

I just stumbled on your blog and got caught up reading through it. Obviously I don't know everything that's happening or who it is that you can't (or feel you shouldn't) give up on, but your last sentence on this entry made me think of something I try to remind myself of: that whenever I've done all I can and the rest is out of my control, then ultimately it's in His control. And when I'm honest with myself, I couldn't ask for a better place for things to be.

I hope things work out with this person you're writing about and you still find the time to at least occasionally be "that girl" who enjoys the naivety of being a kid.