Right Now

There is so much about me that I can not stand these days

I am clingy

I am needy

I am sad

I am weary

I am longing

I am bad at giving myself boundaries 

I am bad at making boundaries around myself

I am lonely

I am heavy

I am losing too much weight too quickly

I am not eating enough

I am drinking too much

I am writing a newer sadder song every day

I am not enough

I am too much

There is just so very much about me

There is so much about me that I can not stand

I often just want to melt away into the ether and never force anyone to deal me again. Surely they would all be better off.

And yet I can’t because I couldn’t put that on anyone, because what if they did really care. 

I guess I’m just saying that I am so very broken right now. 

I don’t miss him, but I miss having someone to hold me and just say things are gonna work out whether they will or won’t. I miss being someone’s person. I miss knowing that when we’re both done doing the day’s whatever that we can just be quiet and not alone together. I’m terrified of finally having my own place and going home alone ever. 

I am not ok alone. I don’t ever really want to be good at that.

I’m just so fucking sad.