On The Way Down

Show me what’s it  like to have ever known yourself as a blank slate

How’s it feel to see reflections you don’t immediately hate

What does life taste like without something bitter on your tongue

Can you paint for me the warmth of feeling safe when you were young

All I’ve ever known is making room

Hanging posters on the walls of a tomb

And if we’re talking about falling

We’re talking about falling

Maybe this time I’ll enjoy the view

On the way down

Why am I not second guessing every charming word you say

Is it alright you became my favorite interruption of the day

Am I even allowed to be happy and still make my little rhymes

Can I play it in a minor key, is that too confusing

All I’ve ever known is making room

Hanging posters on the walls of a tomb

And if we’re talking about falling

We’re talking about falling

I guess this time I’ll enjoy the view

On the way down

It’s a dizzy decline

We’re already intertwined 

Though we barely intersected 

This chaotic climb

Muses laughing in the night

Winking at ours sparse perspective

All I’ve ever known is making room

Hanging posters on the walls of a tomb

And if we’re talking about falling

We’re talking about falling

I guess this time I’ll enjoy the view

On the way down

——

Excitement. Peace. Joy. Comfort.

Earth shaking fear.

I am terrified that I’m opening a wound and just in shock. I’m scared that I’m doing the thing again and clinging to a possibility that is only going to break my heart.

But I want to enjoy this. I want to enjoy you. I haven’t felt this peaceful in so long. I haven’t felt this cherished maybe ever. I don’t feel like you’re just after some kind of ownership or some future where I fold my life around yours and lose who I am. I think you might actually quite enjoy who I am. I think maybe you’re treating me so well because you actually think I’m the bright shiny thing. I think maybe I bring you the same peace and joy and inspiration to you that you’re bringing me.

I’m having to force myself to not fall full force into some great big Hope. I don’t want to be careful, I wanna crash into this and snowball it and watch it grow. But that’s not the move right now- we’ll both hurt a lot if we’re not intentional in the enjoying right now part and get all ahead of ourselves.

I don’t think you’re making me a placeholder. I think you’re reading the whole book knowing you may have to set it down. I think I’m ok with that, because I’m doing the same. 

It’s a good story, and if I only get to read it once I just hope the epilogue is as lovely as the prologue.