Everywhere, Nowhere

Was it dark

Were you scared

Or just relieved

Were you prepared

Or was it quick

In the bathroom light

Did you quake

Or softly sigh

I know I shouldn’t dwell on the whats, the wheres, the whys

Sort the lulls and the jags between the you and I

Shouldn’t grasp into the ether for a sign

But now you’re everywhere and nowhere all the time

Did it ever stop

The way you pined

Or did some one mean it

When they named you “Mine”

Your bone deep ache

Did it slip away

Was it still clinging on

Sister, did you pray

I know I shouldn’t dwell on the whats, the wheres, the whys

Sort the lulls and the jags between the you and I

Shouldn’t grasp into the ether for a sign

But now you’re everywhere and nowhere all the time

I hope there’s music

I hope there’s peace

I hope your pillow’s soft

And the water’s sweet

Can’t help but grasp into the ether for a sign

That you found rest in your nowhere all the time

On The Way Down

Show me what’s it  like to have ever known yourself as a blank slate

How’s it feel to see reflections you don’t immediately hate

What does life taste like without something bitter on your tongue

Can you paint for me the warmth of feeling safe when you were young

All I’ve ever known is making room

Hanging posters on the walls of a tomb

And if we’re talking about falling

We’re talking about falling

Maybe this time I’ll enjoy the view

On the way down

Why am I not second guessing every charming word you say

Is it alright you became my favorite interruption of the day

Am I even allowed to be happy and still make my little rhymes

Can I play it in a minor key, is that too confusing

All I’ve ever known is making room

Hanging posters on the walls of a tomb

And if we’re talking about falling

We’re talking about falling

I guess this time I’ll enjoy the view

On the way down

It’s a dizzy decline

We’re already intertwined 

Though we barely intersected 

This chaotic climb

Muses laughing in the night

Winking at ours sparse perspective

All I’ve ever known is making room

Hanging posters on the walls of a tomb

And if we’re talking about falling

We’re talking about falling

I guess this time I’ll enjoy the view

On the way down

——

Excitement. Peace. Joy. Comfort.

Earth shaking fear.

I am terrified that I’m opening a wound and just in shock. I’m scared that I’m doing the thing again and clinging to a possibility that is only going to break my heart.

But I want to enjoy this. I want to enjoy you. I haven’t felt this peaceful in so long. I haven’t felt this cherished maybe ever. I don’t feel like you’re just after some kind of ownership or some future where I fold my life around yours and lose who I am. I think you might actually quite enjoy who I am. I think maybe you’re treating me so well because you actually think I’m the bright shiny thing. I think maybe I bring you the same peace and joy and inspiration to you that you’re bringing me.

I’m having to force myself to not fall full force into some great big Hope. I don’t want to be careful, I wanna crash into this and snowball it and watch it grow. But that’s not the move right now- we’ll both hurt a lot if we’re not intentional in the enjoying right now part and get all ahead of ourselves.

I don’t think you’re making me a placeholder. I think you’re reading the whole book knowing you may have to set it down. I think I’m ok with that, because I’m doing the same. 

It’s a good story, and if I only get to read it once I just hope the epilogue is as lovely as the prologue.

Emergency Contact

Why are you lying awake tonight

He said the list is long and you know most of it

Vacillating between the flight and the fight

The right or wrong, these crimes that I’d commit

Are we angry or are we sad

Is it mom this time or dear old dad

Paige said it’s growth

To know it’s both

I’ve gotta sit with that

I’ve gotta sit with that

You don’t have 

An emergency contact 

In your phone

There’s no guarantee

The house matching your key

Feels like home

I think I could be both

I think I could be both

Who’s the weepy song about this week

I said I think this time its just a fantasy

Another candy coated agony

The first few rhymes of Romeo were comedy

Am I ok or am I numb

Am I free from longing’s thumb

Sarah said it’s fine

To straddle that line

I’ve gotta see who I become

I’ve gotta see who I become

I don’t have 

An emergency contact 

In my phone

There’s no guarantee

The house matching my key

Feels like home

I think you could be both

I think you could be both

Are we broken or just bent

Are we wasting all this time we’ve spent

No one says a word

All these lines are blurred

There’s no malcontent 

There’s no malcontent

I don’t have 

An emergency contact 

In my phone

There’s no guarantee

The house matching your key

Feels like home

Maybe we could be both

Maybe we could be both

Why am I lying awake tonight

The list is long and you know most of it

Hurrying Towards Tomorrow

Do you remember the first time you talked on the phone with a friend

When was the last night you crawled into a bigger bed

Or the last day you had to ask your mama’s permission

Did you feel free when you broke your first tradition

They say the years are short and the days are long

That you’re gonna miss them when they’re gone

But here we are all hurrying towards tomorrow

Here we all are, here we all are

Hurrying towards tomorrow

I don’t remember the very last time I walked out of the doors under the steeple

I can’t recall when I began to feel I didn’t fit with bright and shiny people 

It’s fuzzy but somewhere along the line, I finally didn’t care who liked my clothes

The people that encouraged me, they became the family that I chose

They say the years are short and the days are long

That you’re gonna miss them when they’re gone

But here we are all hurrying towards tomorrow

Here we all are, here we all are

Hurrying towards tomorrow

You can’t flip the glass and make the sands of time change direction

Someday all that’s left are pictures and a friend’s retrospection

So why not enjoy the ride

Why not enjoy the ride

They say the years are short and the days are long

That you’re gonna miss them when they’re gone

But here we are all hurrying towards tomorrow

Here we all are, here we all are

Hurrying towards tomorrow

The Riverside

I’m gonna lay on the rocks by the riverside hoping you leave me be

Stack those pebbles nice and high with a slingshot up my sleeve

Cause you never back down,never let up, can’t let me be free

So I’m gonna stay right here by the riverside, can’t nobody make me leave 

You won’t see me walking those old familiar roads 

Won’t be caught dead riding the tails of your coat

I’ve been burning bridges, I’ve been burning boats

Careful where your breathing, smoke clouds’ll make you choke

I’m gonna lay on the rocks by the riverside hoping you leave me be

Stack those pebbles nice and high with a slingshot up my sleeve

Cause you never back down,never let up, can’t let me be free

So I’m gonna stay right here by the riverside, can’t nobody make me leave

Don’t know what left you haunted, frankly I don’t care

The ghosts escaped your closet, left their poison in the air

When the legacy you carried, and left to all your heirs

Is sitting at your graveside, it was me who left it there

I’m gonna lay on the rocks by the riverside hoping you leave me be

Stack those pebbles nice and high with a slingshot up my sleeve

Cause you never back down,never let up, can’t let me be free

So I’m gonna stay right here by the riverside, can’t nobody make me leave

Your troubles they won’t reach me

The current pulls them away

Ain’t nothing you can teach me

Take your lessons to the grave

The days of your leaching 

My life away

Will soon enough be over 

Till then here’s where I’ll stay

Laying on the rocks by the riverside hoping you leave me be

Stack those pebbles nice and high with a slingshot up my sleeve

Cause you never back down,never let up, can’t let me be free

So I’m gonna stay right here by the riverside, can’t nobody make me leave

Can’t nobody make me leave

Can’t nobody make me leave

Dear Old Dad

I am waiting for you to die. 

Your own daughter is going through life half hoping every morning that that day is the day she hears that she’ll never have to hear your voice or see your face again. 

Some people are so wildly confused by that, but no one who knows you or a fraction of what you’ve done would be.

I’ve had more than one person who loves me ask where exactly you are with a shotgun in hand.

The gentlest, kindest souls have mused about you rotting.

Why is what you did to me before I had the words to describe it not enough damage? Why do you have to keep calling? Why do you keep trying to twist every knife and open every wound? Are you hoping that some day I’ll finally snap and come end it for you? Is this attempted abuser suicide by victim?

I’m never going to become a monster like you. So come on. Call every birthday and use the wrong daughter’s name in a voicemail. Call every Father’s Day and jerk off after the beep. Call every Christmas and remind me that the thing I’ve asked the universe for every year still hasn’t come to pass. 

You’re in your 80s. You may be a cockroach, but your time is coming eventually.

I am waiting for you to die. Happy Fucking Father’s Day.

Anymore

Walk the empty halls where our pictures use to hang

Sit in empty rooms where I used to call your name

Now silence echos back to me

Laughing should I feel free

I don’t know who you are anymore

I’m not sure you ever existed

Anywhere but my head and my heart

And that’s what keeps tearing me apart

Did I make you up so I wouldn’t feel alone

Write you in a song so I’d finally feel at home

Always better in my dreams

Now I’m picking at the seams

I don’t know who you are anymore

I’m not sure you ever existed

Anywhere but my head and my heart

And that’s what keeps tearing me apart

And the worst of it is maybe I wrote my own role

Barefoot and pregnant sweeping up the kitchen floor

Played the perfect part but never gave it my all

Still searching in this mirror for the girl I was before

I don’t know who she is anymore

I’m not sure she ever existed

Anywhere but a broken heart

And that’s what keeps tearing me apart