Saturday, December 22

Tired of the Charade and Terrified of Reality

I'm tired of people hugging me and telling me it'll all be ok. The fact of the matter is that it's not ok right this second and that's why I'm upset. I don't feel hopeless, I just don't feel right. Nothing feels like it's supposed to and that's a problem with me, right this very moment. I could care less how things are going to be in a few years... Maybe it's just the angsty teenager finally coming out, but ya know what.. Newsflash - I am a teenager. I'm at least allowed to have a few weeks of this phase.

I'm so tired of the bar you keep setting for me. I get that you've been charged with bringing me up in the way I should go and what not, but isn't there a verse in there that says you're not supposed to exasperate your children... Set the bar, set it there and leave it there. Don't change it at your convenience like I'm playing some twisted game of limbo. They don't move it back and forth, Mom. You can't treat me like a 5 year old and expect me to act like an adult. But I'd rather that than have to guess which part I'm supposed to be playing with each and every move I make. Am I the little girl or the grown woman this morning?

I can't handle this anymore. I've never more seriously considered ending it all than I did last night. I'm supposed to be getting better. I'm supposed to feel less tired. I'm supposed to be able to remember things easier. I'm supposed to not be as cold. I'm not supposed to feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into these symptoms and their not so cheery companion. But that's how I feel.

The most frustrating thing is that I've been on the other side of this computer screen and I know all the things I'd be telling the person typing this. I'd be quoting Luther with "feelings come and feelings go...". I'd be handing over bible verses like they're cough drops. I'd be praying for all sorts of things. And yet I can seem to bring myself to listen to any of that, whether the source is the closest of friends or my own subconscious. Hearing any of it just makes me want to get very withdrawn and bitter.

I hate this version of me. I hate the back and forth. I hate the desperation. I hate it all.

I just want everything to be done with and things to be somewhat normal again.