Sunday, September 28

Five Seconds

There is an unbelievable ammount of thought swirling in my brain right now. So many things I want to get out through my fingertips, but I'm fading fast and I know in the morning I will have either forgotten the inklings or will be completely distracted by whatever popped up while I was asleep (or no as the case may be, yet again).

The point is that I've become rather talented at distracting myself with shiny new activities and good conversations. I have become an outstanding entertainer of the front portion of my brain. There are people that need to be matched, cups that need to be filled, songs to be sung, and yes-- even blogs to write.

Don't you know it's all just a cover? Please tell me that you know I've crumbled inside and this is simply my default setting. If the front part of my brain is kept busy with tasks and new, exciting things and people then I don't have to think about the pots boiling over on the back burner. They are allowed to spill out the sides and continue to burn away at my core without causing a single outward signal to go off. No tears, winces, or screams. I'm all smiles and the world doesn't have to know a thing.

The trouble with this is that the moment I step into my room, or any other place the world can't see me, the steam begins to shoot out, the kettle whistles, the lids topple off and I've got about five seconds to distract myself again before I fall and surrender myself into the hands of a spirit that tells me it's ok to just give up and let this...whatever it is overwhelmn me. Five seconds before the outer walls cave in and I'm past the point of possible return.

So I got good at it. And as soon as I publish this blog I'll have five seconds to try and fall asleep before the stream of tears pushes through the wall and gets steadily heavier until I'm sleeping in an ocean of grief and helplessness.

What kills me is I'm not the only one. I'm not even the only one I know. And people live like this. For years and years they live in this constant game of hide and seek with reality. Decades they go on in attempts to avoid that sixth second. This terrifies me more than any nightmare ever has,the thought that I could continue on in quiet, smiling, desperation.