So I saw an advertisement about this documentary about Britney Spears tomorrow night on MTV (I'm sure it'll be quality, stick to facts, groundbreaking stuff... ) and decided to enter a very dangerous world. I went back to my room and dug around for the first music I ever bought with my own money -- you know it "...Baby One More Time" on audio cassette. Yes, they still exist.
I remember this one time when I was at home alone after school or something and I cleared the furniture out of the living room so I could have ample room to "copy" the One More Time video. I didn't have the right skirt and I'm sure I looked like a complete dork with my shirt tied up like that, and goodness knows my dance moves were far from similiar too the choreography. I was 9 for goodness sake.
It's impossible not to chuckle thinking about it now, but I wanted to be her so bad. Secretly of course... there was NO way I, a self-respecting, intelligent redhead, would ever admit to idolizing a blonde, skimpy, airhead, popstar. I mean, just think about what that would do to my reputation. In fact, even now the Anne of Green Gables in me is rolling her eyes. **sigh** But I did. I wanted to be just like her. I wanted the fame, and the music video, and the tour bus, and the clothes, and the photo shoots, and the good looks... If I could have just had a taste of it, I'd be happy.
Looking at it now, I can see that none of that would have brought me satisfaction. I look at her life and it makes me hurt for her. She's been in the spotlight since she was what.. like 11? The kid went through everything in front of a camera for the whole world to see. Boyfriends, breakups, family drama, more boyfriends, huge mistakes, husbands, children, mental breakdowns and everything displayed right there in every living room in America(not to mention the internet and the rest of the world).I can't even imagine the kind of pressure and pain that must include.
It's no wonder she's been in the places she's been. No wonder she's got such a skewed view of what's right and wrong. The girl was on the cover of Rolling Stone in her underwear when she was 16! From the beginning the way that she was accepted and the way she made a living was by being objectified and selling every piece of herself to the highest bidder. She changed when they wanted her to change and did whatever it was that was required to remain relevant. When the good girl, basketball playing Baptist on MMC image was played out she turned so fast into the bad girl, sex-symbol, slave for you. It's sad...
I say I 'can't imagine' how she must have felt and I guess I can't really, but I can definitely identify. She's the poster child for people pleasing. That's so me. Sure, I go about it in a different way, but it's just a different brand (she's claimed Pepsi, I'll go with Coke). I'm constantly doing whatever I think it takes to make my friends stay my friends (though I'm sure you guys would love me no matter what, you're great). I'll change in a second to become more like the kind of girl a particular guy would be interested in. I won't even think about going outside without makeup on. Unless we're good friends I won't even have a real opinion about anything (music, movies, anything) for fear that it might not be the same as yours and I wouldn't wanna be different.
If I really think about it, I focus so much on the external.. it's a wonder that the internal ever makes it out. I'm better than I used to be... it was real bad in middle school and the first two years of highschool. Real bad. But that 9 year old with the big eyes dancing to bubblegum pop behind closed doors is still in there. Different dreams, different audience, same concept.
For the next week I'm going to put some serious effort into being more geniune. I'm gonna dwell particularly on this verse
1 Samuel 16:7
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart."
I really wasn't planning on this post having any actual depth...
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