The Complex Infrastructure Known As The Female Mind

My train of thought on the drive home...

"God, I'm gonna miss him. Am I seriously right back where I was before? I really, really do not want to go back through that whole process again. I was doing so much better and then all of the sudden he's back...

Who the hell asked you to come back anyway!? I could have done without this. I really could have just kept on going in my believing that you were gone and I just had to deal with not being able to get over this...

Oh, but it was so good to be with you again. I can't tell you how much I've wanted to see that look on your face. The whole thing feels like I dreamed it, it's too good. Oh, but there's no way I dreamed that. No way that wasn't you...

It felt like it used to. You're right -- that is the only time I really ever relax. It's cause it's the only time I can stop thinking about everything I want to say, everything I want you to know -- because I'm telling you, and you already know it all. You've gotta know...

I don't think you really believe me. One time, you said I was different and that you saw the look in my eyes and you could tell that I really meant it. I thought you may have had it for a moment there, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe you do know and you just don't think you're worth it. Which is ridiculous...

I keep trying to make a list or describe why it is that I love you, but I fail miserably. Sure, I could list stupid things like you're funny or you're attractive or you're talented. But that's not it. Those things, though true they most definitely are, just aren't what makes up the "why". I'll be the first to admit that I don't know that much about you right now. I used to know plenty, but you're constantly changing. What I do know is that I so desperately want to know everything that can possibly be known about you. I want to be with you every step of the way so I can see you changing. I want to see that fire in your eyes...

What am I doing? What are we doing? You're about to leave. We never even talked about it, we just.. sort of picked up. Part of me kept yelling at me to stop and talk about it, but the other part (the part that obviously won) was begging me just to hold on for dear life to every second I had with you. I don't even know for sure where you stand on any of this. I wanna know...

Text you when I get home. Ha, OK. But wait... why should I? What do you care? Just sit there and wonder. You sit there and worry about me for a change. Take a little taste of what my life has been like since September. You know I cried like a baby every single night for more than a month and then after that anytime you came up in conversation I had to leave the room or just bawl in front of everyone. You know up until about a month ago I still wore your clothes to sleep in and held onto that teddy bear for dear life. I stopped for a few weeks then you came back and I backslid a bit. I'm wearing them now, how pathetic is that...

But I did text you and I told you I love you, because I do. And I don't want you to worry, I don't want to hurt you no matter how much I've worried and hurt. I wonder if it tears at every one's hearts like this. I wonder if it breaks them in pieces and yet still sends them straight back for more...

I love you.
I won't stop when you leave.

You'd better believe I'm coming to visit you whether you like it or not... "

So now here I am a grand 2 hours before I have to get up and shower before work again. I have that stupid "Don't you forget about me" song that was playing in your car stuck in my head. I can't believe you turned around. I didn't want you to see me like that. I figured you'd just assume I would and let it be. Whatever, can't go back. No regrets right? That's what you said earlier.

I should sleep now. I won't, really, but I'll pretend I'm relaxing at least.