Tired of This Box

I don’t think there is anything in this world that ticks me off more than that. No, right now I’m not real inclined to care about how you are. Right now I really don’t care how you feel or what you have to say.

You’re acting like a baby. It didn’t go your way. It didn’t go nearly the way you thought it might. Get over it.

I’m not interested. I was, but I’m really, really not anymore.

Just because I’m not interested in you doesn’t mean that I don’t still care about you. You were my friend first and I still want to be your friend. Ok so right now, I wouldn’t mind you disappearing for a little while. That’s because I’m not perfect, I’m not anywhere close.

You say I just want you around when I need you. You think I just want to use you and lose you when it gets hard. If that’s true, what’s so different about you? You liked having me around when I made you feel better about yourself or when you thought things were heading in the direction you hoped. You wanted me around when I would hold your hand and stay up late talking. You wanted me there when I was easier to like. But now that it’s not so easy-- what are you doing? Throwing me back. Running away.

See, that’s why it’s so hard to believe when someone says they love you and they don’t want something from you. You can talk and talk all day long about being selfless and being unconditional, but ‘til you back it up with your actions it’s all just blowing smoke. Regardless of the phrase there’s not always fire. Sometimes it’s just a smoldering pile of ashes. Until you follow through when it’s hard to do what you’ve said, you’re just talking.

You think you’ve got me all figured out, but you don’t. Sure I’m broken like everyone else. But just because I’m not following the same path you are to being fixed doesn’t mean that I am content to sit in shambles. You’re right, you can’t fix me. I’m glad somebody finally figured that out. You can’t, your friend can’t, my other friends can’t, a relationship can’t, a job can’t, music can’t, this world can’t and will not fix me. I know that. I know there’s only one who can and he’s doing just that.

Everyone is different and everyone is broken in different ways. You can’t use the same tools for every repair, and not every repair can be fixed in the same amount of time. So chill out and stop pushing your own users guide onto me. I’m a completely different model.

I'm not riding any waves. Yes, I'm hurting. I'm still living though. I'm just not living the way you think that I should. I won't change that either. I'll probably never live the way you think that I should. I'll probably never be your definition of free. You'll probably always think I'm living as a victim, but I'm not. If I lived as a victim I would have reached my threshold long ago. You know part of what's made me who I am, but you don't know the half of it. You don't even know a quarter. I'm weak, but the Lord has given me strength to do more than just let it happen, and when you say that that's all I do you have no clue the kind of hurt and anger that that wells up in me.

If I read that wrong, or if you changed your mind, do me a favor. Don’t come and tell me you’re not leaving. Just let me be for awhile. You don’t get to take the decision out of my hands. You can take certain options away for sure, but you don’t get to decide for me. Right now I’m deciding that this whole situation is out of control and I’m stepping out of it.