You and Me Both Phil, You and Me Both

I've tried to write this first sentence three times. The reason I keep having to start over was because a little dog named Digory keeps pushing his nose underneath my hand so that I'll pet him. It's kind of precious. Now he's curled up in a tight little ball under my elbow. He wedged himself in there...

I have a terrible cold and I've already applied everywhere I know to apply so I just stayed inside today. Historically bad things have happened to me on Groundhog Day, it just felt safer. I spent the day being a little bit of a creeper on Facebook and digging in my friend's profiles. It's ridiculous how much you can learn about a person without ever having to have any actual conversation with them. It's the farthest thing from "social" networking.

But Groundhog Day came and went without anything incredibly terrible happening to me or anyone I know. That is unless I wake up tomorrow to a message that someone was in a terrible accident on their way to come see me, but that's highly doubtful. No one comes to see me, lol.

Looking through all those old pictures on Facebook made me rather nostalgic. I found myself missing those days. You know the ones... when everything was simple
and pure. I can see it in the pictures when the naivety started falling away. There are less pictures of me smiling and playing, while the number of pictures where I'm staring off into the distance grows.

There's one that really just says it all. I took it two Novembers ago. Up at Covenant early one Sunday morning before driving back for Sunday School I stood on the overlook and watched the sunrise. One of the pictures is way over exposed because of the way the light of the sun hit the lens and you can just barely see my form in the light. That morning I remember thinking about everything that had happened in the last two years(the boy I'd fallen for and been heartbroken about, friendships changing and disappearing, how my body was just absolutely falling apart because of the Hashimoto Thyroiditis, all the decisions I was making) and comparing it to that picture. An absolute overload of "new" from all sides that I almost lost myself in.
That was the last sunrise I remember seeing before it all came crashing down. That year ended and with February so did a chapter of my life that I have for so long wished that I could get back. It's useless because I can't - but it never stopped me from wishing.

You never think that you'll change so much, and then one day you look back and realize you don't even remember what it was like to think that saying "crap" and "stupid" were just as bad as any other profanity. You think you'll stand strong then you turn and see that girl who felt guilty about just thinking about kissing a boy and wonder what on earth happened to her. I mean one second you're making a fool of your self lip syncing to Relient K and the next...

And you can never take any of it back. Not a word, breath or second glance.

But it's ok. We aren't stuck in that rut anymore. I'm not stuck in that rut anymore. It's been taken care of too. The prosecutor served my sentence and the judge adopted me, it's all done. So I won't be dwelling in the stench of it all.

It's just so strange and heart breaking to see it all.