Friday, January 21


It's hard to tell people about you. There are so many variables. I wonder if they'll understand why I feel the things I feel. I wonder if they'll understand your importance, the reality of who you were, who you still are. I wonder if it will change the way they act around me or worse... that it won't.

I'm finding out more and more each day though that it is more difficult, more painful than I ever imagined, if I don't talk about you. Because no matter how short a time I was with you, you became a part of me in a way so much deeper than simply shared genes could have orchestrated.

I've been thinking alot about heaven since Sunday. Will we know each other up there? Will it even matter if we don't? It certainly feels like it will, but I say that in my human body, with a human heart that has human desires. I wonder if people I love that arrived as souls there before you are surrounding you and caring for you. I guess that's sort of silly... Who would need caring for in the presence of God? There is no danger for you in the light of His face, nothing to fear, no unmet needs.

Most of my wondering though revolves around the great desire to be with you. I want to know who you have become. I want to see your face, hold your hand, wrap my arms around you. But there are fears. Fears that when I'm there too there may be no memory of you. Fears that when we are face to face we won't even know it. Fears that my deep desire to be with you will not ever, in all eternity, be satisfied.

There are so many things I do not know. So many questions that can not be answered on this earth. But there are things I do know. Things like "God is good" and "God loves His children". Those are the things that are worth dwelling on. They carry with them no fears. So I'll stop trying to answer away my fears and trust in Him.

And I'm going to talk about you more. I'm not sure how or to who, maybe it'll be as simple as saying your name at first, but I'm going to try. You're too important not to exist.