Wednesday, January 2

Far Too Many Question Marks for One Post

For as long as I can remember I've had a fear of being outdone. Granted "as long as I can remember" is a very vague term that varies from day to day. Sometimes it's 16. Sometimes it's 3. Sometimes it's last week. Today I think it's somewhere between 3 and 12.
I remember a sister coming behind me and drawing a picture I had just drawn myself and then showing it off and everyone though hers was so beautiful and droned on and on about how talented she was. When I showed mine I got pats on the head and they all thought it was cute how had copied her.

I remember when I was singing FINALLY and here comes this younger girl and it's her first day and she just blows them all away and bam.. like that I'm in the background again.

I remember dating this guy... and man was I up-the-creek-without-a-paddle in L-O-V-E with this boy. Then some really confusing stuff happened and we broke it off and I was heartbroken and then she calls me and tells me that they're together. And he talks about how she's really a better fit for him.
And then it happens again. And again. Same girl. Different guys.  I guess I don't really blame her now. I still sorta blame them. I have grown though... and I'm no longer invested in what they think.

But back then it made me wonder. It made me question things about myself in ways that I never ever wanted to question. Is she prettier than me? Is she smarter? More fun? More talented? More lovable? Less screwed up? Less intense? More passionate? More educated? Less jaded? More attractive? Just... more?

Or worse.. is it just that she's different? Do I get old that fast? Is my shelf life that short? Will I ever find someone that will stick it out with me through thick and thin, smooth and wrinkled, young and old, normal and a little crazy, calm and stressed?

And then he comes and he loves me. He loves me in all the gradients. He loves me before I know what's good for me. He loves me even after I've latched on and can't control it anymore. He loves me when he finds out who I was, who I am and who I wanna be. He loved me when I forget all those things and I started just surviving. Through all of it he loved me. And though sometimes I've forgotten it, for the most part I've just been ecstatic to have been proved wrong.

And yet still the questions come. Will there be a day that someone is prettier, smarter, more interesting, more adventerous, more passionate, more desirable? Will there come a time that there is something I can't do that some other "she" can? One day will I wake up and find that I'm not who he wants anymore? Some afternoon will I sit and wait for him to come home only to find out later that he was elsewhere having the time of his life with someone who isn't me?

It's not that I'm jealous. It's that I'm insecure. I'm worried that I'm not enough. That I won't always be enough. That I never even was. What if I've always just been the best that you could do for now? What if I'm just blinded by the fact that you are so much more than I ever dreamed of and that I've been silly enough to think that you felt the same way.

After all, wasn't it you that sent me that message that you'd marry me in a heartbeat and then not two years later you were trying to marry someone else? Wasn't it you that came running home after I found the e-mails and my heart was in shambles and you glued me (glued us) back together with your promises and your vulnerability? Hasn't it always been you that has the heart that yearns for more, always more... and here I am wondering how I ever got this much...

Am I too boring? Am I too scared?

What is it that I'm afraid of finding out?
That I was wrong and I'm not being outdone, just that you grew tired of what I'd been doing?

Or that I was right and that someday, she'll do this better than me too?