Some of These Wounds Ain't Gonna Heal Themselves

Perhaps some of the blame falls on me
Because I kept silent

Not perhaps. Most definitely.
I should have sat in front of you and told you why. When I saw the walls closing in and the end nearing I should have used this voice, found the words and explained that I was going to have to walk away. I should have honored your friendship, your love, with the opportunity to listen, to ask your questions, to have me listen.

None of the reasons that I didn't are valid enough to excuse what happened. The fear, the uncertainty, the guilt, the frustration, the confusion or sadness... none of those should have kept me from giving you the dignity of a goodbye. For someone who says "I'm sorry" a thousand times a day, I did a shit job of it with you. 

And then the days stretched. It was a week, then two, then a month, then months since I had seen you, spoken to you. Every day new troubles rose and new questions surfaced and another time I would have tried to text you first passed and I knew that every single time it did I was farther from you and the sting would be worse when I finally spoke up.

I told myself it would be better if I waited till after the trip, if I waited till after your birthday, if I waited till after this or that was filed. Plans we had made passed by. Days we would have spent together. And every time I did what I do "best" and blamed myself and sat in silent judgement of myself believing you were better off without me, better off leaning on him and moving on than ever hearing from me again. 

I know I likely don't make much sense to you. I know you'll probably disagree with all my reasons why, probably have your own plan for what I should have done, for what I may have been able to do. I know you'd made all these plans for us and the future stretching out ahead of us. I didn't know how to tell you that my heart wasn't in it anymore. I didn't know how to tell you that I felt so divided between things I wanted and things that were actually possible. I didn't know how to tell you that other people had to be more important than you or me or all the plans. I didn't know how to explain how deeply and surely I had begun to see that I didn't fit into your life and you didn't fit into mine. I didn't know how to tell you how hurt I had become, how small I felt next to you, how increasingly misunderstood it seemed I was, how much it seemed that you wanted me but not the me that I was. I was afraid to say it out loud, because what if my feelings proved true...

I certainly didn't know how to explain that the fire that had blazed before had become ashes. How do you explain that you've fallen out of love and it doesn't feel like anyone's fault, it just... is? 

I always felt like you heard me best when I wrote a song. But no matter what I tried I couldn't get this one out. Maybe I'm more of a coward than I'd like to believe.

This is as close to saying it all as I can get right now.

Thank you for holding me. Thank you for pushing me. Thank you for wanting me. Thank you for not shying away every time there were hard things to say. Thank you for dancing with me, singing with me, laughing with me. Thank you for making space for me. Thank you for sharing all that you did with me. Thank you for reminding me what kind of things I was capable of, worthy of.

I'm sorry I'm not everything you thought I would be. I'm sorry my path is in a different direction than yours. I'm sorry I shrank away and closed myself off. I'm sorry I didn't see sooner that I was quieting myself in favor of peace when I should have been more authentic. 

I still don't know what exactly I believe, but I am beyond thankful for the gift of having known you.

You deserved more than I gave you.

And for that, I am so deeply sorry.