"Lose It All, Rolling The Dice of Her Life"

 I try not to think about this too much. It gets unbearably heavy when I do.

I am in your house, friend. I sit on the furniture you chose. I pull dishes out of the cabinets you cleaned. I carefully place your t-shirts (that your baby girl wears to bed) in a stack to be hung up with care in your closet. I tousle the hair of your little redhead when I give him his morning fruit snacks. I make brownies in the middle of the night for your oldest, I add the extra chocolate chips because he asks.

All morning I dreaded hearing your phone buzz from birthday wish after birthday wish. Texts you'll never open. Facebook notifications you'll never clear.

I was going to be there today when they laid part of you to rest. Near the bigness of the ocean, in the sunshine, your favorite place. It's probably best I couldn't be there after all. I'd have felt all my feelings and shoved them down until I burst. I'll join them tomorrow. I'll have my own moment with you at sunrise.

Sometimes I sleep in your bed. I wonder if that bothers you. I wonder if you would feel the same as those who've become cold and distant with me because of that thing. I wonder sometimes if you're waiting on some celestial bar stool talking shit about how when I get there how you're going to really let me have it.

Because friend... you should be here. It should be you in this bed, you snuggled up with your babies during movie night, you watching him teach them how to swing through the ball. It should be you loving this man and being loved so beautifully by him. 

But you aren't here like that anymore. You can't be held. You can't be kissed. You can't be followed around  or bothered or anything. You live in their freckle patterns, their smiles, their sassy comebacks. You visit in cardinals and rainbows and Bingo games.

I'm just so damn angry. I wanna yell at you. I want to hug you so tight neither of us can breathe. I wanna sit and watch stupid TikTok videos and roll our eyes at our boss. I want to cry and tell you how goddamn beautiful your view is. And then I wanna yell at you some more... 

Because you should fucking be here, and I shouldn't.