beneath the water
I know the weight of it
The way it holds me
when I am too tired to swim
The way it moves around me
without ever asking
where I am going
Sometimes I break the surface just to breathe
But lately I have been staying there long enough
to feel the wind before I fall back down
It moves across my back
like it knows me
And I wonder
what it would be like
to have wings
To let the wind decide
instead of the current
To rise
and not have to come back down
I watch the birds
drift in their synchronized shapes
Do they feel a current too
They don't seem to fight it
They just… are
And maybe that's what I want
not to be a bird
not really
but to know
what it feels like
to stop swimming
against something
and still be carried
There are places here
I know by heart
Deep places
Dark places
Places where the light
doesn't reach
but I know my way through
So why do I keep looking up
Why does the wind
feel like something
I have forgotten
when I have never had it
Maybe I only want to know
that I could make it in the sky
Maybe I have just tired of feeling like drowning is all around me
Would I develop a fear of falling
Maybe there is a difference
between changing your course
and wondering
what the other one feels like
I don't know
The tide is pulling
The wind is calling
And I am caught
somewhere between them
Trying to decide
if I am lost
or if I am exactly
where I meant to be
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