Heifer

I am thinking about her a lot these days. I wonder if she's still living with my sister or if either of them ever really grew up. I wonder if my dog is still alive and, if he's not, what happened. I wonder if she has someone sending her pictures of my kids, if she'd even recognize them in public. 

I wonder if she ever thinks about when I tried to tell her what I knew had happened, and if there is even a fragmented part of her who knows and is even a little bit upset that she didn't stop it way back when.

I wonder if, in all my wondering, I am hurting myself more, and I do wish that I could walk into an office somewhere and have them buzzed out of my brain.

Every time a new kid thing shows up I wonder how the hell she was so comfortable missing so much of my life. Yes, of course the now of it all -- but the then...

I wasn't a kid who looked in the crowd for her face at choir concerts and awards days. She's never been to a gig. She's never heard my original music. She never read my essays or my poetry.

It just hits like a brick wall everytime I remember all the little things. I keep expecting it to not be such a gut punch, but it always is.

It always is.

I'm better at certain times about pushing the thought out to pasture behind a gate, but it wandered in lately and that's one stubborn heifer.