Moms and Gates

 I wrote a stupid song about borrowing a mom from the pictures off the wall at a bar

Maybe it’s not so stupid but it feels stupid. I wanted to call one of the walk moms and ask what the fuck I’m supposed to do about several hundred things. I miss that.

I don’t know how I miss a thing I never had. I don’t know what it feels like. Sometimes I wish I could crawl inside my daughter’s head and feel what it’s like.

I tried to let mine be a mom once. It blew up so catastrophically that I knew never to do that again. That’s not a woman who is going to give sage advice. She’s going to make it about her and tell you in some backhanded way that you deserve whatever pain you’re feeling. Comfort doesn’t live there. 

I got real used to bottling up everything. And then there would always be some guy friend who would pull something that was wrong out of me and the gates just opened.

And some of them helped. And some of them hurt. But at least it was out.  I lean into the ones that help and my gates stay open. I lean into the ones that hurt and my gates stay open.

Until they get slammed shut from the other side and I panic. 

I see that I do that.

I forget I am not the only one with gates until all I am thinking about is gates because they just keep swinging this way and that way. And then I don’t care about gates. Fuck the gates. Fuck fences. I hate em both. And I run around like a fool and find myself drunk in somebody else’s field.

And then I wake up the next day and feel like a fucking idiot because I was one. I’ll tip toe out of the field, manage a quiet apology and gently close their gate.

I am going to attempt to be a normal human being who knows about gates and fences and lawn care and is so very normal and not weird at all.

And if the gates open again, we can all be normal people talking about the grass and how green it all is. I’d they don’t… well

I hope flowers grow in mine again soon. I’m not actually that fond of the grass, but the little white and purple flowers are nice. The grass has to be pretty green for those to grow. Guess it’s time to care about watering it again.