Monday, December 3

Nothing In The Bubble Is The Way It's Supposed To Be

I wish I could look at the pictures of me when I was happy and somehow pull the strength I had then into my current self. Instead I see my younger self's carefree smile and it makes me want to vomit. I can't make myself smile when I get like this.

I want to curl up in a ball in the tree out front and hide from everything but the flutter of birds and the smell of sticky, maple sap. But I can't. The leaves got tired of holding on, the birds flew south with the sunshine, and it's hard to smell the sap when it's cold and slow.

I always thought I was one of those people who just made the most of every season. Spring was full of beginnings, Summer was warm and adventurous, Fall had colors and wind, and winter had crisp nights and cheerful little pink cold noses... Not this year though.
I hate winter. I hate that it's cold and that I have to wear scarves and gloves and coats. I hate that I'm layering clothing. I hate knee high socks. I hate that I'm always covering up with blankets and quilts. I hate that the sky is always that dull grey/blue color. I hate the color of bark. It's so empty.

I want greens and bright little flushes of red, orange, and pink. I want the sky to be bright blue with big fluffy white clouds. I want a warm breeze. I wanna walk out on my porch in something green and sleeveless... For once in my life I actually want to wear shorts and flip-flops. I wanna ride my bike to Old Town Helena and play in the creek.
But I'm always so cold... my hands and my feet. Nothing works because it's not cold from the outside.... it's cold inside. My body can't keep me warm. It's driving me mad. It's the stupidest thing to get upset about cuz there are such worse things that could be happening but I can't help it.

This whole thing is so frustrating. I wanna be warm. I wanna be hyper and go play outside. I wanna go take pictures with friends and actually mean the smiles. I wanna remember where I put things 5 minutes after I set them down. I wanna wake up and not be groggy. I wanna be able to carry my bike down from the porch without feeling like I just picked up my car. I want my hair to be soft again and my eyelashes to stop falling out. I want the medicine to work faster and things to be normal again.
I just want to feel the joy I felt in that picture...


Little Fish said...

you are the strongest redhead I know. And that's the strongest white woman there is. Only Mary J. Blige and Oprah are beating you now.

Take heart, little one. You amaze me all the time.