Little Bit Of Backstory

I about flipped my lid yesterday afternoon when I overheard my choir girls discussing what they believed was the extent of my sex life. They didn't know I was there and I'm still not sure who it was in the robing room talking, but every little thing they said cut to the core. Mostly because one or two of the things they said were absolutely true, even though the majority of it was absolute horse manure.

This past year has been a rough one for me in that area. I've been really, really stupid and at times downright rebellious when it comes to guys and what I would or wouldn't do with them. I haven't been treating this body like it belongs to the Lord (or my heart for that matter). It's been mine and I've done with it what I or whoever held my heart at the time pleased. Some were more carefull with it than others, for sure.

But no, I was not invloved in any group sex in a public place. No, I did not get pregnant. No, I absolutely did not abort that child to cover my own reputation. No, I didn't contract an STD and no, I have not made it a practice of mine to publish any sexcapades on the internet in blog or video form.

It hurts me not because they're talking about it, and not because I've been found out (I have been planning to tell some of these girls my experiences in hopes that they will learn from some of my mistakes when the time is right.) It hurts me because they never came to me when they heard these things. Abortion? Do they really think I would take someone elses life in order to put out this pretty picture of myself out there? And if they do really believe that I have done this, why on earth would they not come to confront me about it.

These aren't just random faceless, nameless girls at Briarwood. These are my choir girls! These are girls that I have at times considered my closest, dearest friends. These are girls who have been in my Disciplship Groups and who have been in other small groups with me. One of these girls used to be my accountability partner. That one stings the most.

I'm so fed up with this world. I'm so tired of these cuts and bruises. I keep sewing them up and thinking I'm getting on the right track, but every word they say rips open another stitch and it feels like it was yesterday. I wish they would become scars already.

I'm praying that God will give me a strong and a gentle spirit when dealing with the responses from the note I posted on Facebook. It's been 6 hours and already there are hurtful, and maliciously worded messages of accusation in my inbox. Praise God for holding my tongue yesterday when they were all in there slinging mud at the mirrors. One word and I would have torn them all down. Please pray that I would keep my mouth shut when I need to and when I do speak that each word will be glorifying to God and fall on ears that will listen.