Thursday, December 20

Divine Clarity, Chaos, Progress And...

Confession: Occasionally when I'm having a difficult time getting to sleep I come back to this blog and read all the stuff I used to write until I get really upset with myself for not writing anymore. Then I get "inspired" and I write a new blog post. A new blog post that is just awful. Wretched, horrid, awful. And then I delete it, go to bed, and try to pretend it never. even. happened.

Other than those middle of the night musings that read like text messages and Pinterest comments, I really haven't written much since either of my children were born. Well, I did write about that over here. But it's not the kind of writing I'm talking about. I'm not talking about the anecdotes, and the occasional contest entering, and the mama gooshing. All that has it's place, but this is not really that place. This is where I come to think through my fingers. This is my own little corner, complete with my own little chair couch.

I've missed this place. As I keep writing and reading I'm remembering what it used to be like to have clarity in a way I could express to another person. These days clarity has come in different forms. The smell of babies freshly bathed, the feel of pudgy cheeks against mine, the sound of rain and early morning goodbye kisses and promises to "Love on those babies" for him. Those moments aren't entirely explainable and are completely beyond my current writing capabilities. As I read the archives of my previous self, I realize that my mind was quicker then (or at least the connections between my mind and what comes out of my mouth). Sure I may have said things without much forethought occasionally, but for the most part I was just better at expressing what was going on beneath the surface.

I watched a movie recently that I thought was going to be really good. You know, the kind of movie that helps you think through things that you're feeling, but at a distance so that you don't have to encounter the thoughts too thoroughly. It ended terribly and got weird and graphic. My friend said it must have been a moment of divine clarity, but since it wasn't helpful we decided it was more like a moment of divine chaos. This basically sums up my life... a balance between Divine Clarity and Divine Chaos.

Since no one really reads this thing anymore (at least I hope not, it would be weird to have a stalker reading my old blog over and over again without me posting anything new) I guess I'll just use it to sharpen things up again. I suppose I could just write for myself and not put anything out there for awhile, but something about clicking the "Publish" button just feels like progress.

So here's to Divine Clarity, Divine Chaos, and Progress.

And also to caffeine, because without it, I'd never be functioning highly enough to enjoy any of the previously mentioned things.